Note: The names in this article are fictional, but the cases are real‑life situations.
When Deepti contacted me recently, she was worried about her husband, Sameer. For quite some time she had noticed changes in his behaviour. He was often irritable and generally not the man she knew. She believed he was depressed, but Sameer avoided admitting it or seeking help. After much persuasion she finally brought him in for a counselling session, and I suggested she sit in as well. Couples counselling often reveals hidden dynamics.
After several sessions it became clear the issue was not only Sameer’s depression; Deepti was struggling too, although she hadn’t realised it. Both were in denial about their emotional health, each convinced the other was the one who needed help. I see this often: it’s easier to blame a partner than look in the mirror.
Denial and deflection in relationships
A common pattern is the “It’s not me, it’s you” mindset around emotions. People dislike admitting something is wrong—especially when the word depression appears. The stigma makes admitting depression feel like defeat, so partners shift all blame to each other.
Deepti’s words show this clearly:
“Sameer says our problems exist because of me, and he tells people if I weren’t depressed we’d be fine. But honestly, I think he’s the one who’s depressed. He’s always complaining, and whenever things don’t go his way, he lashes out at me.”
While Sameer focused on Deepti’s supposed depression, she was battling her own. Neither saw how their emotional states fed off each other. It’s common: partners fixate on the other’s behaviour and ignore their own mental health.
Emotional alienation and its cost
Marriage and argument go hand in hand. Differences of opinion are normal. Trouble starts when every disagreement turns into a full‑blown fight and no one can build a bridge. Depression magnifies conflicts, making everyday issues seem larger and more upsetting than they are. Minor clashes feel like assaults on someone already vulnerable, and couples retreat into isolation.
For Deepti and Sameer, depression ran deep. Sameer’s mood swings and blame‑shifting grew from his own struggles. Deepti felt constantly on the defensive and withdrew. Both wore emotional blinders; neither saw how their feelings fed the problem.
Depression and marital conflict
Depression in relationships doesn’t always appear as expected. One partner may feel the other is hostile when that isn’t true. A small irritation suddenly becomes a crisis. With depression involved, everything feels heavier.
What looked like a simple concern—Sameer’s mental‑health dilemma—revealed that both partners were depressed and that their relationship nurtured it. He became irritable and emotionally shut down, while Deepti felt frustrated and isolated—classic signs of emotional exhaustion.
Sameer believed everything would improve if Deepti weren’t depressed; Deepti believed the same about Sameer’s negativity. Neither realised their shared emotional state lay at the heart of the problem.
Many see depression as something that happens to “other people” or as a personal failure, so couples deny it and point to each other’s actions. Yet mental health in relationships is rarely individual; it’s rooted in how partners relate. If one struggles, the other feels the effects—even if they deny it.
Seema and Jatin: a layer of complexity
Every couple’s story is unique. Seema and Jatin (names changed) were young doctors starting their careers and life together.
One day Seema threatened suicide because Jatin chatted with female colleagues. It stunned him. He hadn’t thought of them romantically, and no amount of explanation eased Seema’s suspicions.
That single incident became a pattern. Seema’s insecurity and emotional instability drained Jatin. He pulled back from friends and family to avoid the drama at home. He told me:
“Seema has idealised suicide since college. We’ve been together seven years, and she throws tantrums only with me. She’ll break up over the smallest things, stay silent for days, then act normal. It’s exhausting, and I have no one to talk to—she seems fine around others.”
The emotional disconnect was huge. Jatin felt he was drowning; Seema didn’t know how to express her needs without terrifying him.
The effect of unmet emotional needs
Depression often grows from unmet emotional needs. Feeling unheard or unloved can spiral into inadequacy and depression. Seema needed Jatin’s attention so intensely that when she didn’t receive it as expected, her balance collapsed.
Jatin tried to hold everything together yet felt hostage to Seema’s demands. Their lack of emotional bonding fed both depressions, and neither saw a way out.
Breaking the cycle
How can couples like Deepti and Sameer or Seema and Jatin break free? They must acknowledge that depression isn’t just an individual illness; it’s shaped by the relationship dynamic. Each partner needs to see how the other’s emotional state affects their own.
Individual therapy helps one person’s conflicts, but couples therapy is vital because it shows how the relationship contributes to the problem. With shared effort, partners can address the emotional disconnect that fuels depression and change it constructively.
The power of mutual support
Marriage is a partnership. Each partner must care about the other’s emotional well‑being; no one can fix everything alone. Mutual support lifts depression and strengthens the bond. Deepti and Sameer improved only when they both accepted their depression and searched for ways to heal together.
Seeking help together
If you or your spouse is depressed, both of you need treatment. Depression is treatable, but it requires effort from each partner. Couples therapy can help you overcome emotional hurdles and rebuild your relationship.
Two are stronger than one. United, couples can find their way back. This isn’t about blame; it’s about knowing you’re in it together. Marriage is a journey, and depression can strain even strong relationships, but it doesn’t have to define them. Acknowledge its role, seek help, and face the road ahead as a team.
We offer family, relationship, and marriage counselling for families, men, women, and couples—whether you have children, are newly married, are considering separation, are divorcing, or are facing any relationship difficulty. We help partners understand each other’s mental and emotional states, improve communication, and overcome obstacles blocking their happiness.
Get in touch with us today or write to us at mansikpramarsh@gmail.com.
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