Discovering that her husband had been engaged in an extramarital affair for the past three years with a colleague was a traumatic shock for Shilpa (name changed) and her two children. The revelation devastated her, leaving her stressed and deeply depressed. It felt as though a heavy stone had struck her head. She felt dizzy, foreseeing a challenging time ahead for her and her children. Her heart sank as she saw her twenty-year marriage crumble in an instant.
Shilpa and Arun (name changed) had been married for two decades. They have an 11-year-old son and a daughter who had just turned 18 the previous week. Until this revelation, their family life had been typical of a middle-class, educated household. They experienced occasional arguments and some disputes between husband and wife or mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. However, no one could have anticipated that infidelity would threaten their relationship at a stage when it was believed that their marriage had weathered all storms and smooth sailing was ahead.
The traumatic stress that enveloped the entire family after the revelation of Arun’s affair must be understood in a broader context. It’s a common misconception that such a situation affects only the couple and has minimal impact on other family members. This is far from the truth; the emotional scars run deep for all family members.
The traumatic shock of discovering infidelity brings about intense stress for the entire family. The impact of such a revelation can be as devastating as a natural disaster, mentally, socially, emotionally, and financially uprooting the family. Post-Infidelity Traumatic Stress Disorder (PITSD) needs to be assessed not only on the family as a unit but also on each individual member.
In Shilpa’s case, the effects of PITSD were profound and pervasive.
The Wife’s Struggle with Self-Esteem and Trust
Shilpa lost all confidence in herself and suffered from low self-esteem. She couldn’t comprehend her husband’s infidelity, which shattered the world she had built around him over twenty years. She frequently experienced somatic pains and sleeplessness. At times, her memory was affected, and she would forget minor details about herself. Although frequent visits to her psychiatrist and psychologist provided some relief, the persistent pain and the haunting question of “why” kept resurfacing. Recovery from PITSD seemed like a distant goal for her.
The Children’s Silent Suffering
The children also suffered from PITSD. The looming breakup of their parents’ marriage cast a shadow over their lives. Their son, unable to side with either parent, retreated into silence. He spoke in low tones and used very few words to express his needs. This resulted in neglect of his studies and self-care. However, the situation brought the siblings closer together, offering each other the comfort and support their parents could no longer provide.
The Daughter’s Emotional Turmoil
The daughter struggled to cope with the situation. She believed that if she had paid more attention to the family dynamics over the years, the affair could have been avoided. She was engulfed in self-remorse. Any discussion about the affair triggered severe depression, and she would start crying uncontrollably. Her father, whom she had seen as an infallible hero, had let her down profoundly. She ended up fighting with both her parents multiple times a day, refusing to listen to any explanations from her father. She developed an eating disorder, and her physician diagnosed her with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). PITSD doesn’t affect just one individual; it disrupts the entire family system. As family therapists, it’s crucial to focus on the couple as a single unit, but in such cases, it’s evident that the sub-systems within the family also need as much attention and intervention as the main couple.
The Strain on the Unfaithful Spouse
The revelation of infidelity is traumatic for the unfaithful spouse too. Arun felt miserable, knowing his children were aware of his actions. He faced constant guilt and the wrath of his partner. A defiant attitude had been manageable while dealing with his spouse alone, but the reaction from his adult daughter and adolescent son was too intense to ignore. Consequently, his business suffered, he experienced nightmares, and visits to the family therapist became frequent.
Addressing Post-Infidelity Traumatic Stress Disorder (PITSD)
PITSD is a condition that needs to be taken seriously. The profound impact on all family members requires a comprehensive approach to healing. Here are some essential steps for addressing PITSD within a family:
- Acknowledgment and Acceptance: The first step is to acknowledge the pain and accept that healing will take time. Both the unfaithful spouse and the betrayed partner need to recognize the trauma caused by the infidelity.
- Therapy for All Members: Individual therapy for each family member and family therapy sessions can help address the emotional wounds. A professional therapist can guide the family through the healing process, providing tools to cope with the trauma.
- Open Communication: Encouraging open communication within the family is crucial. Each member should feel safe to express their feelings and thoughts without fear of judgment. This can help in rebuilding trust and understanding.
- Support Networks: Leaning on support networks, such as friends, extended family, or support groups for those affected by infidelity, can provide additional emotional support and practical advice.
- Self-Care and Coping Mechanisms: Each family member should be encouraged to engage in self-care practices and develop healthy coping mechanisms. This can include physical activities, hobbies, or mindfulness exercises that promote emotional well-being.
- Setting Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries can help in managing interactions and reducing conflicts. It’s important for each family member to understand and respect these boundaries to create a safe environment for healing.
- Rebuilding Trust: Rebuilding trust is a slow process that requires consistent effort. The unfaithful spouse must demonstrate genuine remorse and commitment to change, while the betrayed partner needs time and space to heal and eventually rebuild trust.
- Focus on the Children: Special attention should be given to the children’s emotional needs. They may require additional support from school counselors or child psychologists to help them process their feelings and cope with the changes in their family dynamics.
Infidelity is a painful and challenging experience, but with the right support and strategies, families can navigate through the trauma and emerge stronger. Understanding the profound impact of Post-Infidelity Traumatic Stress Disorder and addressing it with empathy and care is essential for the healing process. Each member of the family deserves attention and support to rebuild their lives and move forward.
Latest report from my city reads,”cases of domestic violence on the rise, 30 cases reported in last two weeks of corona lockdown”. My city may not be the only one to report that. Family and couples disputes, domestic squabbles and arguments have definitely been on the rise and there have been regular incidents of physical violence taking place among some of the couple’s.
We need to explore within ourselves. We have always been complaining of not giving enough time to our families, spouse, and children and have wished we could find time for them. Now that we have so much time, why is the connectivity missing. Was it on account of the fact that you both have been leading a life different from each other even though married and couldn’t develop much connection? The average time a couple spends with each other on normal times have been no more than 4 to five hours in a day’s time. When you take away the time contribution to other daily routines of life e g. dropping kids at school, going for kitchen shopping, working in the office and the commute time deducted from the awake time of 16 to eighteen hours after six hours of sleep time. Many of us have been putting off a family holiday on account of kids’ education, lack of finances, the difficult boss or just being too committed to responsibility at work place. The much needed connection between us could never be established in all these years hence now it appears too late to do that. But trust it, now is the only time to find that connectivity,
We all form perception based on our cognitive assessment of the person’s’ behavior and our relationship experience with the person. Such a perception bias is a little difficult to go away .It becomes the unbreakable thread of our future dealing with the people. Such perceptive bias can be either be positive or it can be negative too. Your spouse’s behavior in normal times could have helped you form such a cognitive bias towards him or her .for example one cognitive bias could be, “my husband doesn’t contribute anything towards household work”. This becomes a pattern of thought during normal times and even when he does try to extend some help in this area you would have told him,” it’s not your job. Let me handle it you go and watch T.V.”.It could have been okay during normal time to do so but now when the household help is away, the same cognitive bias has become a source of irritation for you, when you notice him enjoying in bedroom and you slog in the kitchen.
There can be many such perception biases between the spouses, amongst other family members on account of earlier events and we find it difficult to overcome such perception biases.
Often it happens that we tend to follow the confirmed pattern of life. A life that has been lived by our parents becomes one such confirmation bias. If we witnessed our father being rude to our mother or we saw the fights in the family while growing up, it becomes a pattern of life for us when we grow up. Unknowingly we end up indulging in to a similar kind of behavior with our kids and spouse whenever there happens to be a little stress in the family. You can fathom the intensity of the yearning for violence in the corona distress. We end up fighting each other rather than being with each other in these difficult times.
Similarly, it kind of becomes a pattern confirmation for the housewife too who after every banter from the husband would say,” He is like that only. Nothing can be done about him”.
It has generally been a belief over the ages that the male member of the family holds complete authority over all decisions concerning the children and wife because man was considered the bread earner. But do you as modern housewife would still subscribe to that theory. The illusion of authority needs to be broken with the realism of truth. Modern woman is no less placed in education, position and authority .You will help yourself and him by coming out of this illusion of authority.
Remember that we neither have to perpetrate violence nor do we have to take it. Take the first step to stop it. Tell the partner,”no more of this .If you do. I will report. Raise your voice firmly without tears.
Find total connectivity by involving children .In case of couple without kids find out what connects .It could be food, television, friends or plain small talk. Drop your biases and resentment. Drop remorse, instead bring about approach. Begin small, begin positive .Things will change.
Express expected behavior from all by being specific during corona lockdown. Don’t just become a victim by owning up the entire household chorus. Call out for help from him and the children. Make them part of every work .Active mind and body will keep everyone away from resentments .Make a community at home helping each other .It can be a good beginning even in tough times.
Keep trying. Tomorrow will definitely be better than today but we all have to work for it. Make everyone do that by love affection and by being firm.Avoid emotional outbursts, rather take charge. Tame that beast now. You know you can do it .Kudos to you.
FAMILY THERAPY INDIA 