Note: The names in this article are fictional but the cases are real life situations .
When Deepti contacted me recently, she was naturally concerned about her husband, Sameer. She says for quite a period of time, she noticed a change in him, behaviourally. He frequently went off; easily got irritated and generally wasn’t the man she knew. She was convinced that he was suffering from depression but Sameer had unwillingly shied away from saying so, or seeking any form of help. After much persuasion, she finally brought him in for that counseling session. I also suggested that she accompany him to the counseling session. Couples counseling tends to reveal hidden dynamics.
After several sessions it became apparent that it wasn’t about Sameer’s depression but rather Deepti was struggling with it as well, though she hadn’t seemed to understand it at first. Both were denial-bound to their emotional health; each wrongly convinced that the other was the one needing help. That is what I have seen repeatedly in couples: it’s a lot easier to blame the partner than to see oneself in the mirror.
Denial and Deflection in Relationships
I think one of the most common dynamics I see with couples is this “It’s not me, it’s you” mindset in terms of problems around emotions. People just don’t like to admit that something is wrong with them—especially when the word depression comes into play. There is just such a stigma around mental health that admitting you might be depressed is close to admitting defeat, or weakness. So instead, couples tend to attribute all the issues to their partner.
Deepti’s case is quite apt in this context. “Sameer always says that the problems in our marriage occur because of me, and he goes out and tells people that if I am not depressed, then these problems will not exist. But honestly, I think it’s him who is depressed. He’s always the one complaining and on any occasion that does not go his way, I am the one he’s been lashing out at.”.
This is a really tough situation because while Sameer was so busy pointing out how she is supposedly depressed, Deepti was dealing with hers. Nobody could see how their emotional states were feeding off each other and becoming this cycle that affected them both. It’s pretty common, really – partners are so concentrated on the other person’s behavior that they overlook their own mental health.
Emotional Alienation and Its Cost
Let’s be honest: marriage and argument go hand in hand. It’s just normal for you and your mate to have differing opinions and even get into a squabble every now and then. The problem begins, though, if every disagreement escalates into a full-blown confrontation and neither partner seems to find a way over or around the other. More often than not, depression simply maximizes such situations-making some everyday issues appear more important and more infuriating than they really are.
It makes even a very minor conflict assault on the emotionally vulnerable individual. What may be minor clashes can emerge as major points of friction. Instead of directly confronting such issues, couples are prone to a cycle of internalization: they feel they do not understand each other and are left feeling isolated.
Here, the depression in Deepti and Sameer was deep running. It was not merely an individual problem but also very strongly associated with their relationship dynamics. Their blames, odd moods of Sameer, and his tendency to shift all the blame on his wife were also due to his problems. Deepti felt she was always on the defensive side; hence, she got further distanced. Kind of both of them wearing emotional blinders and couldn’t see into the problem that how your feelings were feeding into the problem.
Depression and Marital Conflict
Here’s the thing about depression in relationships: it doesn’t always surface the way we think it might. One person starts to feel their partner is being hostile or antagonistic, even when that’s not true. What was once a minor irritation suddenly becomes a big deal. When depression is part of the equation, everything feels heavier.
For Deepti and Sameer, what seemed like the most straightforward concern—sameer’s mental health dilemma in fact opened up a revelation that both were dealing with depression and how their relationship has become a breeding ground for it. I became irritable and appeared to shut down emotionally; this was the sign of a man who had given up, while Deepti began to get frustrated and feel isolated, adding to her list of signs which are pretty much those of emotional exhaustion.
But like most couples, they could not look beyond the surface. Sameer thought that everything would have been okay if Deepti hadn’t been so depressed. Deepti thought that everything would have been okay if Sameer hadn’t been so negative all the time. Neither realized that their mutual emotional state was what formed the crux of the problem.
The greatest stigma associated with the subject of depression in a marriage is that people often view it as happening to “other people” or something one has failed at. This is one reason couples are very quick to deny that it’s happening to them. Instead, they tend to point to the actions of their partner, hoping that if the other person changes, everything will get back to normal.
But that’s not exactly how it works. Mental health, especially in relationships, rarely is an individual issue. It goes down to how we relate with each other at its core. Usually, when one partner of the couple has the problem, the other will feel the after-effects as well, though they refuse to acknowledge them.
Seema and Jatin: A Layer of Complexity
I have worked with thousands of couples where depression is involved in their relations and each one is unique. For instance, I can take Seema and Jatin as an example whose names have been changed. Seema and Jatin were a young couple of doctors. They had just started to work and settle in their lives both at work and at home.
One day Seema threatened to commit suicide over something Jatin considered trivial-his giving attention to female colleagues. It came completely out nowhere for him. He hadn’t even considered his coworkers in that way and, no matter how much he tried to explain, Seema couldn’t shake her suspicions.
What started off as a one-time incident turned into a trend. Seema’s insecurities and emotional instability were beginning to give Jatin a lot of headache, where he started distancing himself from friends and family, not wanting to be bothered with the drama at home. What hit me more, though, is how Jatin described it all.
“Seema has been idealizing suicide since college. We have been with each other for seven years now, and she does throw tantrums, only with me. She’d break up with me for the smallest things, not even talk to me for days, and then everything would be back to normal. It is emotionally draining, but I never had anyone to talk to because she seems totally fine around other people.”
It was a tremendous emotional disconnect. Jatin felt drowning in the relationship and was paralyzed by Seema’s emotional outburst. He did not know how he could possibly help her, and neither did she know how to express her needs without scaring him away.
The Effect of Unmet Emotional Needs
In many relations, depression has arisen due to neglected emotional needs. When the unheard or under-loved one fears and gets negated, it sometimes spirals into feelings of inadequacy thus bolstering depression. Seema’s case is one such classic example. Her desire to be liked by Jatin was such that if she didn’t get it the way she had expected, her emotional system would take a toss.
Another side of the picture was that Jatin was trying to hold everything together but often felt held hostage by Seema’s demands and needs. The lack of emotional bonding fed both depressions, and neither could see an end in sight.
Depression in Relationships:
So, how do couples like Deepti and Sameer or Seema and Jatin break out of this cycle? It begins with an acknowledgment that depression is not an individual disease but is highly influenced by the dynamic of the relationship. Both must take a step back to see how the other’s emotional state is influencing theirs.
In most cases, individual therapy can address emotional conflict experienced by one person, but couples therapy is most important because it makes it easier for both of them to see how their relationship has contributed to the problem. Through common effort and understanding, couples can start to understand why they are emotionally disconnected which feeds depression and change that constructively in a better way.
Working with another person- The Power of Mutual Support
At the end, marriage is a partnership. Both should be concerned with each other’s emotional well-being. One cannot point fingers or expect to fix everything on his or her own. Mutual support works in lifting depression and strengthening the relationship.
It was only when Deepti and Sameer both understood that they were suffering from depression that they became constructive towards each other’s relationship by not blaming each other but finding ways to heal each other.
Together Seeking Help
If you or your spouse suffer from depression, treatment for both is in order. Depression is treatable, but it requires work from each partner. Couples therapy could be very helpful in helping each other get over their emotional letdown as a couple and lay new concrete foundations in the relationship.
Depression could be what no one expected to be possible, but two is stronger than one, and with their combined strength, couples will easily find their way back to each other. This is not about a question of the assignment of blame; it is a question of knowing one is in this together.
Marriage is a journey and, just like any other journey has its share of problems. Depression can strain even the best relationships, but it doesn’t have to define them. Acknowledge the role it plays in your dynamic and seek help. Together with your partner, navigate the emotional hurdles ahead of you. Remember-you’re a team, and together you can conquer anything.
Somewhat similar story has been going on between Bhuvan and Anita .Their 16 years of marriage has come to a stand still with both virtually accusing each other of neglect and oppression .Anita blames Bhuvan of having neglected her for all their marriage period. She feels she could have done better if she had adopted a career so that she could get away from the demands of married life. Bhuvan on the other hand feels oppressed, saying, ” She has been a very demanding wife and does not allow me to breathe freely .I need space of my own now”. he continues, ” from the day we began dating each other she has been like this always”.
While dating prior to the commitment made to each other for a long term relationship, everything is seen by the lovers from behind the rosy shades of love and affection for each other. The emotions of possessiveness and yearning do not allow the lovers to think of and bring in the mundane communication of a daily grinds of life.
As a couple begins their journey into the long-term relationship of wedded bliss, their love for each other many a times may take a back seat and the love gets reduced to a few stolen kisses and quickies here and there. The couple forgets about nurturing and keeping the flame of love and desire for each other alive. Soon the infatuation of physical hunger wears off and then the focus shifts from the affection to the problems.
The stark realities of need for more money, career priorities and of culture, of religion, and of family may cause concerns and small squabbles. Before these squabbles get blown into major issues and a beautiful relationship begins to disintegrate. The couple needs to understand that every relationship is important in life and more so with the one with whom you have to spend your life time.
Communication in person and not on the social media , is the only tool and doorway to establish a better understanding. The couple, need to take up all those problems that are causing strangled relationship .It is always good to keep the bedroom stories confined to four walls of the personal bedrooms .But should the couple feel they are not able to communicate with each other without raising voices and angers , they should get the professional advise of the family therapist and relationship counselor. The airing of grievances in the family sitting room can aggravate the problems and cut down the love quotient. Isn’t it a fact that the love still exists, we just have to bring it to the fore again.
FAMILY THERAPY INDIA 