Expecting a spouse to be both friend and lover is a relatively new concept. Some think it’s asking for too much while there are others who strongly believe their spouse can be the best friend.
Rajshree* (name changed) is always talking about her husband’s good qualities. He is working hard for the family. He has always been a man of words, has a strong character, loyalist and trustworthy. He always shows kindness and integrity. She added “He is a loving father, loves to spend time with kids and he gives me full respect”.
But is he her best friend?
“No!” said Damini*(name changed) who is a home maker and mother of a five years old .
“I don’t have intimate relationship with my friends,” she explained. “I don’t live with my friends. And if I did, it would not have changed into marital relationship, I believe friends would not make good marital partners”.
However, there are also many youngsters who have a different viewpoint .
Rhea and Pinky*(names changed) had been classmates from their kindergarten days and grown together as good friends for a decade sitting next to each other in their classroom in school every day, sharing tiffin and other goodies. They even laughed and cried together in all those years.
Pinky had joined defence forces while Rhea pursued her career in law. They decided to get married when time came to do so .
As per Rhea , “I couldn’t think of getting hitched to somebody else because Pinky had always been my best friend”. “And who else can understand you better than your childhood friend”, says Rhea while echoing the same thoughts.
The belief that your partner should be selected from friends’ zone and will make the best spouse is the latest thought prevailing amongst the youngsters and many of them do get married to their best friends Take the case of Darsh* (name changed) who got married to Samar *(name changed) her friend from high school onward.
When this family therapist met some of these couples during the course of a therapy individually or in group, they had voiced their thoughts.
“We definitely wanted somebody who valued and supported us as a friend and not any stranger who meets us over a cup of coffee for a couple of hours and expects us to say “yes”.
However those who opposed this thought line were of the view that “getting married to the guy who has been your friend for long years would mean shifting so many equations of life . Suddenly a kind of difference of status comes in and the society expects the girl to be more respectful and an obeying kind wife to the guy”, said Ragini*(name changed) who had been married to the guy from the college but who had not been her friend.
It’s quite apparent that there are things we want from our friendship and there are some others or additional needs and expectations that we look for in a marital relationship.
But is it unreasonable to expect your husband to be your best friend, or is it the highest form of marital bliss.
The Change of Roles from Friends to Marriage Partners
While staying friends is fine but converting this to marriage does not mean it will stay as it was prior to marriage. It is important that we understand the roles as a couple that we need to play as members of family that would call for a bigger level of responsibilities in addition to a greater level of empathy, understandings and patience towards other members of family.
The couple, who began knowing each other in kindergarten, have been leading their lives separately as they grew up but the time spent away from each other made them realise how much they had wanted to be with each other.
Historically, we have had all kinds of marriages, the arranged ones and the marriages of lovers and friends with the majority tilting towards arranged ones with strangers .
But a relatively new age coming together of boys and girls into their careers, professions and even online friendships have brought a new awakening to the romantic relationships.
The couples now definitely are more career oriented and want their spouses to be of the same mindset where they can support and stand by each other in the progression of life. Indeed, a novel thought.
The roles have been changing for over a decade and a half now where the provider who used to be man earlier can be either one of the partners or a sharing responsibility prevails , sharing of money ,sharing of responsibility , sharing of taking care of kids and sharing of taking care of parents on both sides .
Indeed a new dawn of romantic relationship for some ,while some couples prefer to go old ways yet there are some who still struggle to find fulfilment of their expectations from marriage.
Setting up of realistic expectations on either side can help such people whether marrying a friend or other person who can be made a spouse first and a friend later .We all want our marriage to work for both and make life smoother (or Anand Ashram ) as I often call it and tell the couples visiting us, “A marriage is a two way partnership where both partners contribute equally ,sometimes the balance can tilt either way but ultimately a good balance can be achieved by respect ,love, empathy ,understanding, sharing ,trusting and being compassionate towards self and towards your partner”. One must ensure that you don’t expect everything one sided , a two way communication and two way sharing is what makes a good relationship grow.
Every relationship comes with loads of expectations of the couple and others of their respective families. It is not possible to get every dream, every fantasy and everything you’d wanted out of this relationship.
Not putting on the loads of expectations from either partner and sharing of responsibilities, being there for each other always and at all times may not be sometimes possible for a couple who’s into familial commitments too.
Adopting some, adapting a number of them and giving up a few of your preconceived ideas and looking at your partners, similar situation would always be helpful for the two of you to make it a smooth and enjoyable journey towards marital bliss. In a blissful marital relationship love may not always be visible. Likes and dislikes can change from time to time, demands can be made or met but what triumphs is your commitment and loyalty towards each other.
*All names have been changed and no real names have been used in order to maintain privacy of the people*
Somewhat similar story has been going on between Bhuvan and Anita .Their 16 years of marriage has come to a stand still with both virtually accusing each other of neglect and oppression .Anita blames Bhuvan of having neglected her for all their marriage period. She feels she could have done better if she had adopted a career so that she could get away from the demands of married life. Bhuvan on the other hand feels oppressed, saying, ” She has been a very demanding wife and does not allow me to breathe freely .I need space of my own now”. he continues, ” from the day we began dating each other she has been like this always”.
While dating prior to the commitment made to each other for a long term relationship, everything is seen by the lovers from behind the rosy shades of love and affection for each other. The emotions of possessiveness and yearning do not allow the lovers to think of and bring in the mundane communication of a daily grinds of life.
As a couple begins their journey into the long-term relationship of wedded bliss, their love for each other many a times may take a back seat and the love gets reduced to a few stolen kisses and quickies here and there. The couple forgets about nurturing and keeping the flame of love and desire for each other alive. Soon the infatuation of physical hunger wears off and then the focus shifts from the affection to the problems.
The stark realities of need for more money, career priorities and of culture, of religion, and of family may cause concerns and small squabbles. Before these squabbles get blown into major issues and a beautiful relationship begins to disintegrate. The couple needs to understand that every relationship is important in life and more so with the one with whom you have to spend your life time.
Communication in person and not on the social media , is the only tool and doorway to establish a better understanding. The couple, need to take up all those problems that are causing strangled relationship .It is always good to keep the bedroom stories confined to four walls of the personal bedrooms .But should the couple feel they are not able to communicate with each other without raising voices and angers , they should get the professional advise of the family therapist and relationship counselor. The airing of grievances in the family sitting room can aggravate the problems and cut down the love quotient. Isn’t it a fact that the love still exists, we just have to bring it to the fore again.
“I have always had a very problematic marriage and all efforts to make things right have been of no use. I have been advised by my friends to seriously think of consulting a marriage and family therapist .But every time I think of reaching out to one, “the only thought that comes to my mind is, “What if this too does not help. Let, me ask you a simple question, “does marriage counseling really work?’.
Your life can be difficult and beautiful both at the same time. The life of the newly married couples is like a baby conceived in the womb of a mother, giving tough time to the mother all through nine months of its growth from the embryo to delivery but once the baby is born life becomes joyfully beautiful, yet bringing with it challenges everyday of raising a child. The joy of watching your baby grow always is greater than the challenges that come in the process of being a mother.
Marriage offers similar such journey of smooth ride and rough road of mutual problems .The partners to a marriage love each other and at times hate each other but they continue with the journey of matrimonial bliss. Sushant and Daisy (names changed) are in one such relationship. They have had fights; yet they have been living into their marriage despite all odds for ten years. “It had never occurred to me even once that I should walk out of this marriage. I am from a conservative Christian family and Sushant belongs to a kind of liberated Hindu family. Our marriage had not been accepted by our respective families for almost five years. There were issues of social norms, of cultural differences, of devotions and faith. My mother has been a devout Christian and it was difficult for her to conceive that her daughter will not follow a religion of the family”. “Both I and Sushant had made a pact that we would always refer our matters to a third unbiased arbitrator in case of any of the differences that might crop up into our marriage. We found one such unbiased opinion and advice in Family Therapist and Marriage counselor Dr Ramneek Kapoor and all our differences get resolved to our mutual interest”.
“I have had many cases of family differences, husband wife disputes, cohabitation problems and other adjustment issues and working through their disputes and differences can really be worth it. Most such married couples come to us when they face communication issues, marital discords and even the personal ego matters, at the breaking point of their marriages, but they are benefitted by consulting a professional family therapist and marriage counselor who help them in dealing with those difficulties, look at their disputes from a much wider point of view and different perspective. The couples are encouraged to sort out the difference, take them on to find satisfactory resolution instead of being judgmental and giving up on the relationship. They are made to work hard to eventually come to an understanding of the beneficial fruits of making their marriage a success.
“Much of the ideas people get about their marriage counseling at times can be wrong. It is not necessarily the bed room story that is talked about in the counseling. A marital life holds many other points of discord and differences of opinions. There can be personality issues, adjusting with other members of the extended family, household issues, individual career matters, spouse behavior concerns, children growth subjects, older parental care concerns and of course faith and trust fears . Only a third party intervention may not solve these issues but a detailed worked out therapeutic strategy and planning with the help of a qualified professional Family Therapist and Marriage Counselor can definitely go a long way in resolving all such matters.
You really have to be careful when dealing with a delicate matter of marital compatibility and communication breakdown. It cannot be resolved merely by advice of do’s and don’ts. All matters need to be handled in a manner that the counseling given has to achieve the outcome, the couple and the family looks forward to. An untrained and non professional marriage counselor has no idea what he or she is faced with and how this needs to be analyzed and resolved.
“I decided to call our marriage off because I felt like I have been living with a rival roommate not a husband, after we got married his attitude and tone changed towards me. His true nature comes to the fore as he sheds the facade of pretended love.”
I love to go to a garden nearby to look at the plants growing and to savor their fragrant breeze full of oxygen and greens. And let me tell you I do love to speak to the plants in the morning as they open up their lovely flowers to the rising Sun and rebuild their energy which they gather from the sunlight .At home we do not have a lawn where we could grow these plants (we live in an apartment) . But on the top of the building where we have managed to rent a terrace we do have a few pots with plants. These plants have very tenderly been reared by my daughter with great care and love. I have seen the fresh flowers of white, red and yellow colors bloom to the plants virtually growing from little buds to the full blown beautiful flowers. Whenever I go the terrace I water them, talk to them and make sure they feel loved and taken care of by me and feel happy about this. I feel my conversing with my plants exactly is the reason these plants have grown from tiny saplings to the full grown plants adorning their smile into these flowers.
Family will survive all storms with a little patience and perseverance
FAMILY THERAPY INDIA 