psychological abuse – FAMILY THERAPY INDIA

Unseen Depression in Couples Can Stall Counselling Progress

July 13, 2025July 13, 2025 Ramneek Kapoor

Note: The names in this article are fictional, but the cases are real‑life situations.

When Deepti contacted me recently, she was worried about her husband, Sameer. For quite some time she had noticed changes in his behaviour. He was often irritable and generally not the man she knew. She believed he was depressed, but Sameer avoided admitting it or seeking help. After much persuasion she finally brought him in for a counselling session, and I suggested she sit in as well. Couples counselling often reveals hidden dynamics.

After several sessions it became clear the issue was not only Sameer’s depression; Deepti was struggling too, although she hadn’t realised it. Both were in denial about their emotional health, each convinced the other was the one who needed help. I see this often: it’s easier to blame a partner than look in the mirror.

Denial and deflection in relationships

A common pattern is the “It’s not me, it’s you” mindset around emotions. People dislike admitting something is wrong—especially when the word depression appears. The stigma makes admitting depression feel like defeat, so partners shift all blame to each other.

Deepti’s words show this clearly:

“Sameer says our problems exist because of me, and he tells people if I weren’t depressed we’d be fine. But honestly, I think he’s the one who’s depressed. He’s always complaining, and whenever things don’t go his way, he lashes out at me.”

While Sameer focused on Deepti’s supposed depression, she was battling her own. Neither saw how their emotional states fed off each other. It’s common: partners fixate on the other’s behaviour and ignore their own mental health.

Emotional alienation and its cost

Marriage and argument go hand in hand. Differences of opinion are normal. Trouble starts when every disagreement turns into a full‑blown fight and no one can build a bridge. Depression magnifies conflicts, making everyday issues seem larger and more upsetting than they are. Minor clashes feel like assaults on someone already vulnerable, and couples retreat into isolation.

For Deepti and Sameer, depression ran deep. Sameer’s mood swings and blame‑shifting grew from his own struggles. Deepti felt constantly on the defensive and withdrew. Both wore emotional blinders; neither saw how their feelings fed the problem.

Depression and marital conflict

Depression in relationships doesn’t always appear as expected. One partner may feel the other is hostile when that isn’t true. A small irritation suddenly becomes a crisis. With depression involved, everything feels heavier.

What looked like a simple concern—Sameer’s mental‑health dilemma—revealed that both partners were depressed and that their relationship nurtured it. He became irritable and emotionally shut down, while Deepti felt frustrated and isolated—classic signs of emotional exhaustion.

Sameer believed everything would improve if Deepti weren’t depressed; Deepti believed the same about Sameer’s negativity. Neither realised their shared emotional state lay at the heart of the problem.

Many see depression as something that happens to “other people” or as a personal failure, so couples deny it and point to each other’s actions. Yet mental health in relationships is rarely individual; it’s rooted in how partners relate. If one struggles, the other feels the effects—even if they deny it.

Seema and Jatin: a layer of complexity

Every couple’s story is unique. Seema and Jatin (names changed) were young doctors starting their careers and life together.

One day Seema threatened suicide because Jatin chatted with female colleagues. It stunned him. He hadn’t thought of them romantically, and no amount of explanation eased Seema’s suspicions.

That single incident became a pattern. Seema’s insecurity and emotional instability drained Jatin. He pulled back from friends and family to avoid the drama at home. He told me:

“Seema has idealised suicide since college. We’ve been together seven years, and she throws tantrums only with me. She’ll break up over the smallest things, stay silent for days, then act normal. It’s exhausting, and I have no one to talk to—she seems fine around others.”

The emotional disconnect was huge. Jatin felt he was drowning; Seema didn’t know how to express her needs without terrifying him.

The effect of unmet emotional needs

Depression often grows from unmet emotional needs. Feeling unheard or unloved can spiral into inadequacy and depression. Seema needed Jatin’s attention so intensely that when she didn’t receive it as expected, her balance collapsed.

Jatin tried to hold everything together yet felt hostage to Seema’s demands. Their lack of emotional bonding fed both depressions, and neither saw a way out.

Breaking the cycle

How can couples like Deepti and Sameer or Seema and Jatin break free? They must acknowledge that depression isn’t just an individual illness; it’s shaped by the relationship dynamic. Each partner needs to see how the other’s emotional state affects their own.

Individual therapy helps one person’s conflicts, but couples therapy is vital because it shows how the relationship contributes to the problem. With shared effort, partners can address the emotional disconnect that fuels depression and change it constructively.

The power of mutual support

Marriage is a partnership. Each partner must care about the other’s emotional well‑being; no one can fix everything alone. Mutual support lifts depression and strengthens the bond. Deepti and Sameer improved only when they both accepted their depression and searched for ways to heal together.

Seeking help together

If you or your spouse is depressed, both of you need treatment. Depression is treatable, but it requires effort from each partner. Couples therapy can help you overcome emotional hurdles and rebuild your relationship.

Two are stronger than one. United, couples can find their way back. This isn’t about blame; it’s about knowing you’re in it together. Marriage is a journey, and depression can strain even strong relationships, but it doesn’t have to define them. Acknowledge its role, seek help, and face the road ahead as a team.

We offer family, relationship, and marriage counselling for families, men, women, and couples—whether you have children, are newly married, are considering separation, are divorcing, or are facing any relationship difficulty. We help partners understand each other’s mental and emotional states, improve communication, and overcome obstacles blocking their happiness.

Get in touch with us today or write to us at mansikpramarsh@gmail.com.

Coping with Betrayal: A Family’s Journey Through Post-Infidelity Trauma

June 6, 2024 Ramneek Kapoor

Discovering that her husband had been engaged in an extramarital affair for the past three years with a colleague was a traumatic shock for Shilpa (name changed) and her two children. The revelation devastated her, leaving her stressed and deeply depressed. It felt as though a heavy stone had struck her head. She felt dizzy, foreseeing a challenging time ahead for her and her children. Her heart sank as she saw her twenty-year marriage crumble in an instant.

Shilpa and Arun (name changed) had been married for two decades. They have an 11-year-old son and a daughter who had just turned 18 the previous week. Until this revelation, their family life had been typical of a middle-class, educated household. They experienced occasional arguments and some disputes between husband and wife or mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. However, no one could have anticipated that infidelity would threaten their relationship at a stage when it was believed that their marriage had weathered all storms and smooth sailing was ahead.

The traumatic stress that enveloped the entire family after the revelation of Arun’s affair must be understood in a broader context. It’s a common misconception that such a situation affects only the couple and has minimal impact on other family members. This is far from the truth; the emotional scars run deep for all family members.

The traumatic shock of discovering infidelity brings about intense stress for the entire family. The impact of such a revelation can be as devastating as a natural disaster, mentally, socially, emotionally, and financially uprooting the family. Post-Infidelity Traumatic Stress Disorder (PITSD) needs to be assessed not only on the family as a unit but also on each individual member.

In Shilpa’s case, the effects of PITSD were profound and pervasive.

The Wife’s Struggle with Self-Esteem and Trust

Shilpa lost all confidence in herself and suffered from low self-esteem. She couldn’t comprehend her husband’s infidelity, which shattered the world she had built around him over twenty years. She frequently experienced somatic pains and sleeplessness. At times, her memory was affected, and she would forget minor details about herself. Although frequent visits to her psychiatrist and psychologist provided some relief, the persistent pain and the haunting question of “why” kept resurfacing. Recovery from PITSD seemed like a distant goal for her.

The Children’s Silent Suffering

The children also suffered from PITSD. The looming breakup of their parents’ marriage cast a shadow over their lives. Their son, unable to side with either parent, retreated into silence. He spoke in low tones and used very few words to express his needs. This resulted in neglect of his studies and self-care. However, the situation brought the siblings closer together, offering each other the comfort and support their parents could no longer provide.

The Daughter’s Emotional Turmoil

The daughter struggled to cope with the situation. She believed that if she had paid more attention to the family dynamics over the years, the affair could have been avoided. She was engulfed in self-remorse. Any discussion about the affair triggered severe depression, and she would start crying uncontrollably. Her father, whom she had seen as an infallible hero, had let her down profoundly. She ended up fighting with both her parents multiple times a day, refusing to listen to any explanations from her father. She developed an eating disorder, and her physician diagnosed her with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS). PITSD doesn’t affect just one individual; it disrupts the entire family system. As family therapists, it’s crucial to focus on the couple as a single unit, but in such cases, it’s evident that the sub-systems within the family also need as much attention and intervention as the main couple.

The Strain on the Unfaithful Spouse

The revelation of infidelity is traumatic for the unfaithful spouse too. Arun felt miserable, knowing his children were aware of his actions. He faced constant guilt and the wrath of his partner. A defiant attitude had been manageable while dealing with his spouse alone, but the reaction from his adult daughter and adolescent son was too intense to ignore. Consequently, his business suffered, he experienced nightmares, and visits to the family therapist became frequent.

Addressing Post-Infidelity Traumatic Stress Disorder (PITSD)

PITSD is a condition that needs to be taken seriously. The profound impact on all family members requires a comprehensive approach to healing. Here are some essential steps for addressing PITSD within a family:

Acknowledgment and Acceptance: The first step is to acknowledge the pain and accept that healing will take time. Both the unfaithful spouse and the betrayed partner need to recognize the trauma caused by the infidelity.
Therapy for All Members: Individual therapy for each family member and family therapy sessions can help address the emotional wounds. A professional therapist can guide the family through the healing process, providing tools to cope with the trauma.
Open Communication: Encouraging open communication within the family is crucial. Each member should feel safe to express their feelings and thoughts without fear of judgment. This can help in rebuilding trust and understanding.
Support Networks: Leaning on support networks, such as friends, extended family, or support groups for those affected by infidelity, can provide additional emotional support and practical advice.
Self-Care and Coping Mechanisms: Each family member should be encouraged to engage in self-care practices and develop healthy coping mechanisms. This can include physical activities, hobbies, or mindfulness exercises that promote emotional well-being.
Setting Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries can help in managing interactions and reducing conflicts. It’s important for each family member to understand and respect these boundaries to create a safe environment for healing.
Rebuilding Trust: Rebuilding trust is a slow process that requires consistent effort. The unfaithful spouse must demonstrate genuine remorse and commitment to change, while the betrayed partner needs time and space to heal and eventually rebuild trust.
Focus on the Children: Special attention should be given to the children’s emotional needs. They may require additional support from school counselors or child psychologists to help them process their feelings and cope with the changes in their family dynamics.

Infidelity is a painful and challenging experience, but with the right support and strategies, families can navigate through the trauma and emerge stronger. Understanding the profound impact of Post-Infidelity Traumatic Stress Disorder and addressing it with empathy and care is essential for the healing process. Each member of the family deserves attention and support to rebuild their lives and move forward.

How Do We Manage Anxiety in Children.

October 3, 2021October 3, 2021 Ramneek Kapoor

We often think that our children have better resilience to their anxiety and they become normal once we have either given them positive strokes,bought them a chocolate,a gift or diverted their attention by permitting them to play video games . But it needs to be understood that anxiety doesn’t happen to the kids like the way we experience it happening to us adults. Anxiety in children can trigger, in panic attacks,in their tantrums ,in their sudden rush of energy or it may occur in the untimely defiant behaviour.We as parents just push it aside by ascribing it to their misbehaving or being in the company of wrong friends .However children may react differently depending on the immediate situation ,past incidents or future anticipations.

As psychologists counselors and family therapists we have to deal with couples , parents and other family members of our clients who always appear to be suffering from anxiety, In most such cases their children too suffer from similar anxiety or otherwise children from families where there is a good coordination amongst parents struggle with anxiety too .

Some parents would pretend and hide their issues of anxiety and other concerns from their children . Even when kids are understanding the parents would try to act as if everything was fine .These parents would do everything they deem fit or within their reach to calm their wards and reset their nervous system through various practices of calming . Children can pick up anxiety from their parents through the verbal communication, through the body language of their parents,through their mood disorders or the kids themselves can react to any genreal event in the family and develop a full or partial panic attack.

We have seen many a parents fighting and undermining each other when they come to us. They fail to realise that when they behave so their children too suffer mental agony and a fear of being abandoned by either or both of their parents. Children feel abused when their parents fight .They feel cheated by their parents.Children want to live in a typical family life environment irrespective of the riches or poverty.Any thought of living without a parent causes them much mental pain and that triggers anxiety.To them, their family is their safety nest. Their family enables them to play, to study, to make friends .It helps them grow. It is the reason of their being here in the world. To them family is the only reality ,rest all is just make believe.Any iota of doubt on family’s continuity causes deep anxiety.

Parents should remember that their children would always pick up the stress and trauma that their parents experience and exhibit. The parents may think that their children are safe and that children have not been exposed to any kind of stress , physical,sexual, or emotional or personality abuse . They may believe that they are offering their children a great childhood compared to parents’ own childhood or other experiences that parents had to suffer. But actual truth is far from this .Children can become anxious for many reasons triggered by the parents obvious circumstances or not so obvious happenings within the family .Some of these reasons could be the actual and some could be as perceived by the children. To us adults many of those reasons might not be major , but to a child they become quite significant in triggering insecurities and anxiety thereof. Should the parents happen to be separated or divorced the self blaming mind of the children would always be devastated by the memories of the times when the family was together. They would not understand the sudden blow of isolation and the non availability of the parental umbrella .They struggle to be emotionally available to the single parent they now live with and at the same time add on a make believe relationship with the parent they have been separated from which they continue to believe was on their account.A two edged anxiety of this kind breaks them . It shreds the very fiber of their mental balance.

Children are often left heart broken if there happens to be a fight in their family.They tend to believe that all tension is on account of their being a cause of distress to their parents. Often they are left with a broken trust .They feel guilty with their self confidence devastated by the memories of parents shouting at each other.They are afraid of the sudden isolation caused by such disputes amongst their parents.

We always assume that our children are understanding. They adjust to the life as they grow . That they have stronger plasticity. This could be applicable in some way but it is not the complete truth .They are not as strongly fortified against anxiety as we tend to believe. Children do build up their defence mechanisms but these defence mechanisms may prove more damaging to their growing personality during adolescence and later on in their grown up relationships. We often come across young persons and old people alike who suffer from the traumas of their growing up years in anxiety .

We give hereunder some of the symptoms that we have witnessed in children while counseling the families .

1) Dissociation: Children have exhibited dissociation by completely cutting themselves off mentally from what is happening in their families.They form their own make believe world to hide the pain .Though parents may believe that the child is being creative ,when the child speaks to and play with imaginary characters .Riya 6 years is one such case .Her parents donot see each other eye to eye .Their constant bickering causes much anxiety to the child. The child is seen talking to her doll most of the times and refuses to part with the doll when she goes to school or goes to bed. Her parents eventually brought her to the counselor when her teacher noticed the child talking to the doll she had brought into her school bag to the classroom.

Monty’s (9 years) parents had been advised by the psychologist that their child suffers from ADHD because that’s the only way he can get their attention and evoke sympathy from them.His parents both working, hardly find time to spend with their child .Their occasional outbursts cause him such a deep distress . He exhibits his anxiety by getting irritated, by indulging into hyperactivity , impulsiveness and inattentive behavior.

Depression was diagnosed in Deepa ( 10 years ) as a mood disorder because the chronic emotional outbursts indulged in by her grandmother and mother in their interactions caused much disturbance to the child.

2)Gastrointestinal : Meenu’s (5 years ) anxiety has been cropping up in her difficult behavior to ease up herself. She holds up her anxiety in her abdominal area.Inspite of her feeling pressure on the stomach she would refuse to sit on the pot to clear her stomach. She suffers from constipation.Her bowel training has been conducted a few times .But whenever she needs to clean her bowels , she holds on to her stool and often soils her clothes.A better approach would be to ensure the child is offered a better protective environment at home free from tension and stress. We noticed she catches on to her parents’ anxiety and expresses her own in the manner described.

3) Obsessive seeking of Validation : Divya (11 years ) exhibits lack of self confidence.She most of the times struggles to express herself confidently. She would often speak in almost inaudible tone She needs to be reassured that others are paying attention to her and she must speak louder with confidence. She always needs validation from her mother.

Children themselves may not be aware of their anxiety but parents and the teachers need to read the symptoms and signs that speak of anxiety in the children.

If you can be aware that a life experience has created anxiety in their lives, you can bring attention to it and help them cope with that anxiety. You must take your child to a psychologist for evaluation and necessary counseling wherever needed .The psychologist may have to counsel the parents too.

Just being aware that your child can suffer from your chronic circumstances and catch on to anxiety should be taken as an initial step to prevention.Take them to a psychologist whenever or if they exhibit symptoms of anxiety. Whenever possible speak to them about their fears ,concerns and phobias whether implied or implicit .Children should be trained and encouraged by both parents to discuss ,open up and ask questions from parents should there be any stressful occassion in the family. This will help them to understand that there can be differences of opinions,arguments and even conflicts within the family but that you will always protect them and be with them to take care of them.

Family is Everything even for your children .Make them feel safe and protected.

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How effective is the marriage counseling in saving my marriage?

May 16, 2019May 16, 2019 Ramneek Kapoor

2017_1image_11_54_079681812newly-married-couple.jp-ll “I have always had a very problematic marriage and all efforts to make things right have been of no use. I have been advised by my friends to seriously think of consulting a marriage and family therapist .But every time I think of reaching out to one, “the only thought that comes to my mind is, “What if this too does not help. Let, me ask you a simple question, “does marriage counseling really work?’.

Priti (name changed) had expressed apprehensions about the process of marriage counseling when she had, asked me this question.

Experts differ on the effectiveness of marital issues in marriage and family therapy. Some of them will simply say no to any external intervention in a marriage. They are of the opinion that “marriage is sacrosanct and privacy of the bed room should stay within your bedroom. Most of them however will speak in favor of getting a professionally trained family therapist’s help. Marriage is often an adjustment of two different personalities who come together to raise a new family in their wedlock. In this journey some distance can be smooth, some part of journey could be rough too, where an external help can smoothen the edges and provide the necessary cushioning.

advice-newlywed650x325 Your life can be difficult and beautiful both at the same time. The life of the newly married couples is like a baby conceived in the womb of a mother, giving tough time to the mother all through nine months of its growth from the embryo to delivery but once the baby is born life becomes joyfully beautiful, yet bringing with it challenges everyday of raising a child. The joy of watching your baby grow always is greater than the challenges that come in the process of being a mother.

photo-1523975989600-f61068b1a4b3 Marriage offers similar such journey of smooth ride and rough road of mutual problems .The partners to a marriage love each other and at times hate each other but they continue with the journey of matrimonial bliss. Sushant and Daisy (names changed) are in one such relationship. They have had fights; yet they have been living into their marriage despite all odds for ten years. “It had never occurred to me even once that I should walk out of this marriage. I am from a conservative Christian family and Sushant belongs to a kind of liberated Hindu family. Our marriage had not been accepted by our respective families for almost five years. There were issues of social norms, of cultural differences, of devotions and faith. My mother has been a devout Christian and it was difficult for her to conceive that her daughter will not follow a religion of the family”. “Both I and Sushant had made a pact that we would always refer our matters to a third unbiased arbitrator in case of any of the differences that might crop up into our marriage. We found one such unbiased opinion and advice in Family Therapist and Marriage counselor Dr Ramneek Kapoor and all our differences get resolved to our mutual interest”.

couple therapy “I have had many cases of family differences, husband wife disputes, cohabitation problems and other adjustment issues and working through their disputes and differences can really be worth it. Most such married couples come to us when they face communication issues, marital discords and even the personal ego matters, at the breaking point of their marriages, but they are benefitted by consulting a professional family therapist and marriage counselor who help them in dealing with those difficulties, look at their disputes from a much wider point of view and different perspective. The couples are encouraged to sort out the difference, take them on to find satisfactory resolution instead of being judgmental and giving up on the relationship. They are made to work hard to eventually come to an understanding of the beneficial fruits of making their marriage a success.

download “Much of the ideas people get about their marriage counseling at times can be wrong. It is not necessarily the bed room story that is talked about in the counseling. A marital life holds many other points of discord and differences of opinions. There can be personality issues, adjusting with other members of the extended family, household issues, individual career matters, spouse behavior concerns, children growth subjects, older parental care concerns and of course faith and trust fears . Only a third party intervention may not solve these issues but a detailed worked out therapeutic strategy and planning with the help of a qualified professional Family Therapist and Marriage Counselor can definitely go a long way in resolving all such matters.

“It sounds good. It makes sense to me” said Dinesh(name changed) when he had walked into our clinic for consulting us on his broken marriage of fifteen years. “The problem is my wife feels it usually doesn’t work. We had gone to a traditional matchmaker to help us reconcile a broken marriage. Their process is not very professional”.

counseling-clipart-marriage-family-therapist-16 You really have to be careful when dealing with a delicate matter of marital compatibility and communication breakdown. It cannot be resolved merely by advice of do’s and don’ts. All matters need to be handled in a manner that the counseling given has to achieve the outcome, the couple and the family looks forward to. An untrained and non professional marriage counselor has no idea what he or she is faced with and how this needs to be analyzed and resolved.

In a complex family therapy situation counseling an estranged couple may be the hardest thing to do .It takes longer to resolve their differences and the couples are advised to be patient and cooperate with the therapist ,whose basic aim is to help the client come to agreement and understanding within them.

Surveys indicate that many of the match makers, social activists and soothe Sayers undertake family therapy and couples therapy. They do not possess the professional qualification and they never got their training into marital counseling and family therapy.

We need to understand that couples coming for family therapy and marriage counseling are mixed agenda couples. Often one or the other party will have thought of either divorce or separation. Traditional matchmakers or even normal psychologists will not prove effective in dealing such marriage counseling as they do not know the professional way to deal with those problems.

Much of the advice couples get from family advisors or traditional matchmakers sounds good to the ears but it doesn’t work in real life. When it comes to marriage counseling, one solution cannot be applied to all situations. Each marital discord will have its own unique dynamics and a professional Family Therapist and Marriage Counselor takes into account the uniqueness of each dynamic while dealing with a husband and wife disconnect.

Couples can at times become disconnected emotionally for various reasons. Their passion and excitement can wear out faster than expected out of their marriage if their fights and day to day quarrels continue. Their novelty can finish sooner as monotony creeps in into their partnership. It happened to Nidhi (name changed) who admitted in a session

images (12) “I decided to call our marriage off because I felt like I have been living with a rival roommate not a husband, after we got married his attitude and tone changed towards me. His true nature comes to the fore as he sheds the facade of pretended love.”

What can married couples do if they’re having some difficulties?

I would advice, “one person in the marriage doesn’t have to wait for the other to start working on the reconciliation .Either of the spouse could begin with positive changes in the marriage. Don’t wait for your partner to agree, you can initiate the process of contacting a trained professional Family Therapist and Marriage Counselor.Do Not say to yourself that things will improve with passage of time. That’s the wrong ideation. The key to succeeding in your marriage is to sort out the differences at your earliest. What better time to begin doing this than now. Now is the time to find the right therapist; who will help you to connect with the person you married .You do not have to wait to be lucky in love .You make it your choice to be happy in your marriage, the love will flow thereafter. Get in touch with us today, and take control of your marital bliss. Let’s make it happen.

One last advice though, as far as possible stop discussing with your friends about your marital problems. You must not break the unwritten code of privacy of your marriage. Many a times it’s fatal to talk about your marriage or your spouse to family or friends. It’s a mockery marriage’s privacy and it’s not the done thing.

You should come to us at Family Therapy India and we will help you resolve all issues of your marriage in more amicable manner .Find us @ http://www.familytherapyindia.com.

Email us @mansikpramarsh@gmail.com

Call: 09179383554,917324263087

–Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

Roles Reversed – Taking Care of Parents

April 21, 2019April 21, 2019 Ramneek Kapoor

elderly care

As I was growing up, I had always missed one major factor of any child’s growth. That was the presence of grandparents into my life. I would often hear my parents talk about my grandparents in a very fond manner reminiscing about their life with them. I am currently in my mid sixties and I have experienced many different roles so far that being of a son, a brother, a husband, a father in law. I have been a mentor, an academician, a psychologist and a family therapist. During all these roles, l have noticed that the roles of elderly in the family have always been that of providing love affection and a sense of stability to the family. Yet of these roles I have had positive experiences and some negatives, and I have been grateful of the experiences that life had taught me in all these years. But again in the major years of my growth I could simply reminisce about my parents to my children as my parents had long been dead before my wife and my kids came into my world.

But the story I am discussing here is a little disturbing for many of us, though to some it may seem absolutely justified way of dealing with ageing elders of the family.

Santosh (name changed) contacted us for family counseling sessions after she had been physically beaten by her son after an argument and heated discussion on some family matters. As an old lady and mother of 30 years old married son (whom she has supported in all his endeavors of life) Santosh could hardly believe it that her son, her only dear son had beaten her so mercilessly. Her only fault being that she loved her son Shubham (name changed).She had simply advised him to not to create embarrassing moments for the family by doing things not expected of a person of his maturity.

Happy_older_couple_Phase4Photography_Fotolia

Similar is the story of Rajpal (name changed), who has been married to Binita (name changed).To his parents distress (who have so far been living with their son in their own house), Rajpal’s wife Binita does not want the ageing parents to live with them. She finds it very disturbing and difficult to establish a communication with her in laws she has been the lonely bird during all her pre marriage years. She had told, Rajpal that she would get married to him only on the condition that she would not be sharing her husband and their marital space with any one, be it his family or her family. She wants the parents-in- laws to be moved out of the house to someplace else .Rajpal should find another place for setting up their household as she needs complete privacy.

The youngsters in any society are today finding it difficult to play the role of a caregiver. They find it very stressful to take care of their elder members of their family. The stress of caring for parents and grandparents ultimately falls on the society and other welfare organizations. But not many such organizations exist in our country.

The country though is claiming to be the source of largest young population but the population of the elders and soon to be an elder too is proportionately very large.

In many cases it is seen the youngsters are willing to take up the responsibility of looking after their parents and other elders in the family, but their own commitment to their careers and jobs definitely make it difficult to do so. The youngsters in modern times want to be mobile not only within the country but they want to be globally competitive and hence the youngsters move away from home to charter new career paths for themselves.

old woman

The elders would never like to leave the places they have spent their lifetime in, at their old age .They feel comfortable living in their own cities and the homes in whichever they have spent the good part of their lives. With the children moving away, the empty nest syndrome hits every parent at this age coupled with the prospects of loss of occupations for the seniors. I can feel the same stress in many of my elderly clients as they talk about how they are dealing with their lives in their empty nests. I know how they find it difficult to cope up with their daily activities and failing health on account of age catching up with them.

old man

Mr. Shukla 70 years (name changed) had shifted to his son’s home, after Mrs. Shukla had passed away a year ago. Though he had a huge comfortable house with all facilities available, the family still preferred that Mr. Shukla moved to his son’s home in the nearby town. Mr. Shukla has ever since been suffering from anxiety and depression. He feels completely lost and rootless, in spite of being with his son and two grandkids.” I had a routine when she was there living with me .I would still have managed being alone in my own home where I have a kitchen garden my wife had so lovingly developed. I have a good collection of plants and trees in my backyard .But I find that loneliness creeps on me even after having done all that. I just do not have anyone to talk to now either in my home or in my son’s home. My son and his wife do take care of my needs but they have to lead their own lives and take care of their infant daughter. Most of my friends have gone to God’s home. Some of them have just shifted to their ward’s place. If only we could have a system that would take care of our short term and long term care needs, things would have been much brighter”.

old couple

The seniors would require someone to take care of their full time needs that can last for years. Such needs as cannot just be fulfilled by part time caretakers or by technology alone.

Not many commercial , government or non governmental agencies exist for providing such caregivers .There are some old age homes and few geriatric care commercial companies operating but these too do not serve the actual care giving purpose .Such agencies operate more on profit making terms for themselves and are very rarely subjected to any government audit for their services standards. We need to have more trained psychologists and family therapists well familiar with the geriatric care needs and the mindset to reach out to the needy.

We need to educate people on better self care in their old age and at the same time we need to have more social and community based institutional support for our growing population of old people.

old couples

The youngsters need to be trained as better caregivers for their elders and other senior members of their society. On the social front these young men and women should understand that the act of caregiving can be very rewarding. It enables them to build up their relationships to the generation that has just gone by and understand the nuances and cultural norms of the society and community. The love and affection that these seniors have always showered on their wards need to be returned by the family youngsters by taking care of the elders just when they need them in the far end of their lives.

We at Family Therapy India do hereby commit ourselves to take care of their needs with an empathetic human approach .Please reach us at http://www.familytherapyindia.com if you have any such caregiving needs for your elders in your family.