Can Your Marriage Partner Be Really Your Best Friend?

August 18, 2026 Ramneek Kapoor

Expecting a spouse to be both friend and lover is a relatively new concept. Some think it’s asking for too much while there are others who strongly believe their spouse can be the best friend.

Rajshree* (name changed) is always talking about her husband’s good qualities. He is working hard for the family. He has always been a man of words, has a strong character, loyalist and trustworthy. He always shows kindness and integrity. She added “He is a loving father, loves to spend time with kids and he gives me full respect”.

But is he her best friend?

“No!” said Damini*(name changed) who is a home maker and mother of a five years old .

“I don’t have intimate relationship with my friends,” she explained. “I don’t live with my friends. And if I did, it would not have changed into marital relationship, I believe friends would not make good marital partners”.

However, there are also many youngsters who have a different viewpoint .

Rhea and Pinky*(names changed) had been classmates from their kindergarten days and grown together as good friends for a decade sitting next to each other in their classroom in school every day, sharing tiffin and other goodies. They even laughed and cried together in all those years.

Pinky had joined defence forces while Rhea pursued her career in law. They decided to get married when time came to do so .

As per Rhea , “I couldn’t think of getting hitched to somebody else because Pinky had always been my best friend”. “And who else can understand you better than your childhood friend”, says Rhea while echoing the same thoughts.

The belief that your partner should be selected from friends’ zone and will make the best spouse is the latest thought prevailing amongst the youngsters and many of them do get married to their best friends Take the case of Darsh* (name changed) who got married to Samar *(name changed) her friend from high school onward.

When this family therapist met some of these couples during the course of a therapy individually or in group, they had voiced their thoughts.

“We definitely wanted somebody who valued and supported us as a friend and not any stranger who meets us over a cup of coffee for a couple of hours and expects us to say “yes”.

However those who opposed this thought line were of the view that “getting married to the guy who has been your friend for long years would mean shifting so many equations of life . Suddenly a kind of difference of status comes in and the society expects the girl to be more respectful and an obeying kind wife to the guy”, said Ragini*(name changed) who had been married to the guy from the college but who had not been her friend.

It’s quite apparent that there are things we want from our friendship and there are some others or additional needs and expectations that we look for in a marital relationship.

But is it unreasonable to expect your husband to be your best friend, or is it the highest form of marital bliss.

The Change of Roles from Friends to Marriage Partners

While staying friends is fine but converting this to marriage does not mean it will stay as it was prior to marriage. It is important that we understand the roles as a couple that we need to play as members of family that would call for a bigger level of responsibilities in addition to a greater level of empathy, understandings and patience towards other members of family.

The couple, who began knowing each other in kindergarten, have been leading their lives separately as they grew up but the time spent away from each other made them realise how much they had wanted to be with each other.

Historically, we have had all kinds of marriages, the arranged ones and the marriages of lovers and friends with the majority tilting towards arranged ones with strangers .

But a relatively new age coming together of boys and girls into their careers, professions and even online friendships have brought a new awakening to the romantic relationships.

The couples now definitely are more career oriented and want their spouses to be of the same mindset where they can support and stand by each other in the progression of life. Indeed, a novel thought.

The roles have been changing for over a decade and a half now where the provider who used to be man earlier can be either one of the partners or a sharing responsibility prevails , sharing of money ,sharing of responsibility , sharing of taking care of kids and sharing of taking care of parents on both sides .

Indeed a new dawn of romantic relationship for some ,while some couples prefer to go old ways yet there are some who still struggle to find fulfilment of their expectations from marriage.

Setting up of realistic expectations on either side can help such people whether marrying a friend or other person who can be made a spouse first and a friend later .We all want our marriage to work for both and make life smoother (or Anand Ashram ) as I often call it and tell the couples visiting us, “A marriage is a two way partnership where both partners contribute equally ,sometimes the balance can tilt either way but ultimately a good balance can be achieved by respect ,love, empathy ,understanding, sharing ,trusting and being compassionate towards self and towards your partner”. One must ensure that you don’t expect everything one sided , a two way communication and two way sharing is what makes a good relationship grow.

Every relationship comes with loads of expectations of the couple and others of their respective families. It is not possible to get every dream, every fantasy and everything you’d wanted out of this relationship.

Not putting on the loads of expectations from either partner and sharing of responsibilities, being there for each other always and at all times may not be sometimes possible for a couple who’s into familial commitments too.

Adopting some, adapting a number of them and giving up a few of your preconceived ideas and looking at your partners, similar situation would always be helpful for the two of you to make it a smooth and enjoyable journey towards marital bliss. In a blissful marital relationship love may not always be visible. Likes and dislikes can change from time to time, demands can be made or met but what triumphs is your commitment and loyalty towards each other.

*All names have been changed and no real names have been used in order to maintain privacy of the people*

Young Children do not listen to their parents- Understanding Oppositional Defiant Disorder

August 7, 2026August 7, 2026 Ramneek Kapoor

A young lad or lass in his or her teens need to be paying attention to the school curriculum and playing with the mates but instead if a child of this age become a problem for the family and the school , there is bound to be a cause and consternation amongst the family, teachers and the well wishers of the child and the family.

We have recently been getting some cases of young children behaving oddly in the families . The young ones defy their parents even for small errands . They insist on not going to schools . These children refuse to listen to their parents. Some of them go even to the extent of fighting back with their parents.

The parents have to understand that children usually are defiant .They like to oppose their parents for many reasons. Obedience may not always be expected too. We all will like to have independent thinking , self decision making children if the decisions made by them meet our expectations. During their normal growth and development , individualism of human nature does exert itself at times when oppositional behavior against the order and the expected gets expressed even by the young.

The young children want to grow up and their desire to gain freedom from control gets intense, around the ages of two and three, and again in early adolescent years .

For any parent however an uncooperative, disobedient and aggressively hostile behavior of their ward becomes a serious issue when it is frequently , fiercely and arrogantly expressed by the child.

Opposition of any kind by the child becomes glaringly visible when it is compared with other children’s visible obedient and docile behavior .

This kind of defiance and disobedience gets very strainful and stressful for the parents and other members of the family. It affects the academic life of the child in addition to being counted as an unsocial child within and outside the family circles .

Looking for the the signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder : It’s not easy for any parent to notice differentiation between normal defiance and the oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) from age related normal defiant behavior by their children . Symptoms of the disorder start appearing , in noticeable happenings on various occasions.

Child and parental conflict related problems are common in families.

Families have various levels of tolerance for the opposition by their children . In some, a disgruntlement to the rules produces major stress for the parents , while in more friendly , social and tolerant families , opposition by children and occurrences of bad behaviors by the kids are largely overlooked till such times as they cause relationship problems .

In children affected with ODD, a systematic pattern of , anger, aggression and the uncooperative, defiant, and aggressive behavior toward authority can be seen. Such opposition by the young ones regularly hampers the day to day functioning within the family . The children suffering get flayed tempers at times. These children become hot headed and short tempered.

They argue with adults. They take pleasure in fighting back against adult rules.They refuse even minor adult requests. They look for opportunities to deliberately annoy others.

The same defiance continues – at home, in school, in the neighborhood .

Such behavior is not necessarily the result of a conflict with a particular parent or teacher.

They begin with holding others responsible for their mistakes.They become grumbling kind and they often behave touchy, arrogant , resentful, spiteful and vindictive. Some children engage in mild physical aggression and fight back physically too . Their language becomes aggressive, abusive and obscene. A kind of power struggle within the family begins with these children.

Their struggle may be noticed in terms of food for choice, clothes to wear or simply in selecting a place to sit too. During infancy oppositional episodes must have occurred at the time of their feeding, eating, toilet training, and sleeping etc. , but went unnoticed because of motherly love and affection . Children with ODD regularly insist on postponing the work in home and at school and they find strange reasons to procrastinate.

They ignore parental directions and their teachers orders. They would often pretend to forget or fail to hear . They are often referred to for memory exercises but we have to understand that it is not the memory or hearing problem but the problem relates to obeying what was expected of them.

As the child grows up the issues such as keeping the room neat, taking baths, doing home work on time , not watching television for longer times, not interrupting while elders are talking or talking back, crop up.

In all such small small quarrels and fights , winning becomes the most important aspect of their struggle. At times a child with ODD will deliberately forego and rather lose cherished privileges, in order to prove a point and win the argument. The child will exhibit .continuous opposition within the home environment. He or she will act completely resistant and uncooperative in the class room . On a serious side the child continues with his or her defiance towards the established authority . The child may not be in a position to understand the difficulties or even get an inkling of his or her being in the wrong.

Such children as said earlier look for the reasons of their troubles in others behavior and in the other circumstances. external circumstances. There is always an inherent scant respect for the the rules and discipline. The child enjoys challenging anyone who exhibits some kind of authority.

How can we help you: At Family Therapy India ,our special program for managing Oppositional Defiance Disorder is supported to help children and adults to overcome the symptoms associated with ODD by our regular daily counseling sessions/mental exercises/ preksha meditation and Kayotsarg. Hundreds have benefited, it is your /your child’s turn now.  Call 09179383554 or email: mansikpramarsh@gmail.com.

How does work affect your marital health?

August 5, 2026August 5, 2026 Ramneek Kapoor

Yes it could be shocking to learn that the avocation we all take to make money and keep the life going , sometimes can be detrimental to a good marital relationship creating an unfathomable distance amongst the partners to the marriage vows .

Working that helps make money is essentially a prime requirement to a marriage preposition in modern times where both partners want to and must have their financial freedom ,realise their own dreams and wishes ,in addition to other social factors .

It is generally seen that and rightfully too ,post marriage each partner values his or her own professional identify which must have been achieved after much hard work and scholarship .

Nowadays personal careers and the progression therein are becoming important for both the individuals and none would like to give it up and compromise the professional growth .

Take the case of this couple who had been in a very passionate relationship for number of years before getting married. They have been together in school and university and had carved out a career in the same field as well .

After a few years of their marriage the wife got the opportunity of going to US on an international assignment .However husband’s family and her spouse never wanted her to go alone abroad .

They wanted her to pass on the opportunity until her husband could find such an option for himself too .

Their disagreement resulted into a marital discord . They almost had decided to part ways till they approached this family therapist . The families eventually agreed that husband and wife can visit each other on and off during her assignment abroad .

But it may not be true for everyone .Working is generally good for mental and emotional well-being. It provides a sense of purpose, money , identity and a disciplined life style. But depending on where you work, what you do, and what resources and support systems you have, work can also undermine your mental ,emotional and physical health thus compromising the marital relationship.

Work factors that may compromise your marital health can be :

Stress :A real killer of mood and emotions ,can interrupt relationships and undermine self belief.
Many of serious chronic health issues e.g. insomnia , high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, and a number of other health issues are tied to .stress . A constant high-stress at the work place environment can still leave its mark on your state of mind and effect companionship.
Burnout : Burnout happens to a be silent creeper kind , is realised only when the body and the mind completely give up .Burnout many a times misdiagnosed as depression can be a real detrimental to a good relationship.
Status comparisons between the partners on account of positions ,sense of competitions if they happen to be in the same field ,recognition etc have been seen as cause of jealousy amongst partners .A doctor couple even after a long marriage ,(where both partners were eye specialists) had a very rough time till this family therapist made them realise their professional rivalry, being the cause of their regular marital discord .
Work environment insecurity: Although the work places nowadays have both men and women working there and a sense of bon homie prevails yet an insecure partner can feel threatened when not finding similar professional environment at his or her work place .An engineer working in a government organisation developed such an insecurity about his marital relationship because of his wife working amongst other male colleagues .

Working in different cities and a long distance marital relationship is also often threatened by fidelity insecurity . It is not necessary that infidelity takes place when living far away from a marriage house ; distressing doubts ,delusions or thoughts have often been seen amongst partners working together in the same city too .However partners do find a distance relationship offering greater difficulties .

What to do if your work is harming your marital Relationship?

Prioritise Self -care : Self-care is very important for our physical, mental, and emotional health. If both the partners aren’t taking care of yourself in simple ways, like getting enough sleep, eating healthfully, and exercising regularly, your work and the work at home may become more stressful. Learn how to practice self-care both at home and at work, such as eating the right kind of food containing adequate calories and proteins ,not skipping meals and medicine in addition to drinking enough water through the day.
Practice mind calming and stress management : By learning and practicing mind calming breathing and relaxing exercises you can manage your stress well .
Identify and set up boundaries : setting up boundaries at work both in terms of relationship ,personal life and time schedule can be little difficult but it will make your life much easier to live .This is necessary to set up boundaries of time schedule ,answering calls or attending to emails for those who work from home to ensure much needed time for personal life with family.
Establish two way communication street at home : it’s important to establish two ways communication both at work and home but more so at home with the family .Selective mutism and not talking gives an impression that you aren’t paying attention to what the partner ,the kids or the other members of family At the same time not allowing others to speak too can cause resentment.Hence establish emotional connects at home .
Seek professional help when needed : it always helps to talk with a professional family therapist ,to understand the issues involved,the conflicts causing situations both at home and work and seek good solutions .You can speak to us at http://www.familytherapyindia.com
Or http://www.mansikpramarsh.co
Of course we are always there to help .

Helping your little champ build it up

July 18, 2026July 18, 2026 Ramneek Kapoor

Setting your kid up for success

In a race for tiny tots a mother is encouraging her child to run and finish almost half a mile track .The pride on her face and her child lights up flashing smiles all around establishing a bond of trust and confidence in both of them.

A mother running along her child in a race.

Similarly another mother beams with pride when her daughter walks upto the stage to receive a certificate of excellence in her school declamation contest .

Such a bond between the parent and the child makes life easier for the child . A mother is always there when a child is stuck up and doesn’t know “How to handle the situation”.

A mother gets stressed and suffers equally when she finds her child struggling .She can feel the pangs as she looks at her child suffering. A mother can sense her borns anxiety due to natural bonding and empathy .

She wishes she could help her child when her born is struggling, She feels for her child and takes the task over from child . Most of the mothers do it .

However it can also mean curbing a child’s sense of freedom if a mother takes on everything in her hand .It is not necessary for a mother to make her child dependent on her for everything.

A mother’s support ,training and encouragement is an absolute necessity to help her children learn the first basics of human communication and interaction . There are small, steady ways to support them without feeling like a mother has to fix everything.

5 common worries when your child learns and thinks differently — Building towers for her little champ.

A mother lives through the urge to protect her little one when she watches her child learning the small steps — and her heart runs faster while reaching out to protect and help the little one .
But as the little one starts growing to exert and express a new sense of autonomy and identity ,it’s the time when the problem begins .

The mother realises her ward is growing when he or she adamantly declares “I’m not going to school today”, at the last minute when mother is anxious to drop him or her at the Montessori /school or at the bus stop when she wants the child to hurry up .So that she can herself get ready to leave for her work.

Mother and child doing homework together.

Or when the child doesn’t want to sit for doing the homework with mother but insists on doing different things .The mother’s anxiety reaches its peak when she notices her child avoiding the task on account of various issues .
At this stage every mother faces two basic emotions , “is my child doing fine? can I help the child more ?or Am I doing enough for his or her growth ?”.
If any of this feels familiar, you are not the only mother and certainly not alone. It is something that every mother faces every day and struggles .

A mother can help her child develop better confidence by not taking over every activity of the child but by being available on hand and encouraging the child to try all new activities and difficult things independently but being close around him just in case the child needs help.

Remember: You can make him learn things only if you keep check on your emotions while allowing him to practice everything in your presence .Stay close to the child without taking over the activity from the child .
Allow the child learn and think differently, and you will see everyday challenges building up skill and confidence in your child .

These little steps can help every mother and her child

1. Break the harder learning into smaller easier learnable steps.

2. Extend your support and Help without taking over.Let the child know you are there .

3. Praise the effort and assure the child he can do it .

4. Keep your calm when the child feels stressed and wait for him to restart it again .

5. Don’t push to bring him out of the feelings.

6. Do not unnecessary try to divert allow time to think for himself.

6. Let the child ask for help and not shy away . Intervention at the right time keeps the pressure away .

Remember that the growth happens over time and step by step .Both mother and child learn things together to make them happen .

Have you been very angry lately and find it difficult to control?

June 16, 2026June 17, 2026 Ramneek Kapoor

Veena a company general manager swerved her car swiftly from hitting the road divider on the highway on way back home from the office, as the driver of another car overtook without any warning or flashing the indicator. In a reflex action Veena lowered side window glass and threw expletives on the driver of the other car. She could see a lady driver in the other car too appearing to be in a hurry to reach home after the office . “It could have been the end of my life today”, thought Veena,who was in a hurry to reach home much before her husband would make it .

“Possibly the lady driving other car too has an enraged husband waiting at home . That’s why the lady appeared to be in a hurry or it is likely that she has a sick child waiting at home”, justified Veena to herself . She found the other car drivers behind her honking , who had been equally disturbed by her abrupt change of direction to the right of the road . She breathed a few more swearing as she eased her car on the road again. Such a scene has become quite common in almost all towns where people appear to be in a mad rush with the surge of anger seething under their breaths. Veena could cool anger by feeling empathy for lady driver of the other car. But how many of us can actually feel such an empathy for the one who has been the cause of our anger .

We seldom develop charitable opinion towards any one whom we feel has tried to hurt us or has been the cause of physical,emotional or mental harm to us.We would often first flare up and may be much later try to justify our anger towards the person. Veena could come out of angry stance much faster without causing any kind of damage to physical or emotional self as she had immediately associated the other person’s doing with more charitable view point. But for a minute let’s just think that Veena had responded instead with a rage and seething anger to the situation .In such an event she could have felt hypertension, anger, emotional hurt and a sense of insecurity of the road rage in her mind already occupied with many other issues of otherwise busy life at home and in her office. Veena’s open mindedness and her attitude of reflecting and then reacting actually saved her from many could have been negatives .

We have been talking of , “How to understand and handle depression” and also, “How to manage our emotions” .In order to do that we have to first learn that the word depression is not a situation of single event, it is in truth accumulation of many other events taking place in our psyche and physical self . The depression when analysed from such point of view reveals that, restlessness, irritation, anger, negative thinking, negative emotions, worry, melancholy ,feeling of isolation , lack of passion, absence of self worth and even absence of sympathy/empathy all put together become the manifestation of depression. Should we not then really focus on taking care of each of these components and rectify/control/ /or cure them individually /cumulatively to get rid of depression from our mind.

While talking of anger we realize that this particular mood is the most difficult one for all of us to manage and control.Even in anger the rage is the most damaging kind of reaction where the mind loses its power of reason and logic on account of its intransigence nature. The rage makes us most vulnerable to not only damage the perpetrator but also ourselves. Some of us might feel that if the perpetrator has damaged us then we must take it out on him and then we feel relieved . Well to each his own viewpoint but the fact remains that ,”anger is never without a reason but seldom a good one”.

But going back to Veena’s state of mind, her anger definitely arose from the sense of danger to her physical self and to that of her property(her car). But if she had not controlled herself , there would have been a chain reactions of her rage . Her foul mood would have persisted even after she had reached home would have found its victim in her children and her husband. Her emotional turmoil however soon died down as soon as she developed a more charitable and logical attitude towards the driver of other car.

The lesson learnt, “As far as possible whenever a situation for rage builds up pause for a second and logically analyse the situation. This itself will bring down the intensity of the anger and subsequent rising of the tempers”.

Let us analyse one more situation. Maharishi family has come out for a dinner with another family friend of theirs to a high class restaurant known for its elegant ambiance. As soon as the waiter had placed soup dishes on the table , Mrs Maharishi’s younger child insisted on serving the soup into her dish herself. The young baby could hardly handle the hot dish and she found herself spilling the soup all over on the table.

Mrs Maharishi burst out in anger and hit the baby hard on her back . The loud yelling of the baby startled a passing by waiter. The tray he was carrying had slipped out of his hands pouring the dish down on the customers sitting on the nearby table. Loud arguments followed in the restaurant . Eventually embarrassed Maharishi family walked out of the restaurant in a huff with their guest walking out without eating .

Many a times it would so happen that the anger comes to us in a sequence of various events and by the time we realize what has happened we end up losing control of the situation completely .This anger as we saw in the restaurant begins with one small event later on building up on the subsequent emotional reactions of angry outbursts.We just saw that anger had been building up on the earlier anger and the entire atmosphere had been converted into the inflamed oven of angry moods in the restaurant. The anger that had been just started with a small event got so intense after it found its subsequent hijacking devoid of any reason or logic .When we are engrossed into the angry atmosphere we just lose our sense of being and get carried away. This kind of anger had been built up not by the threat to the physical self but to the perceptive respectability, and disciplined family image of the Maharishi family . Mrs Maharishi felt insulted by the behavior of her child in the presence of her guests .She had hit the child rather than at that time she should have been taking control of the situation and calmed down the child.

Lesson learnt :Do Not immediately flare up and react instantly, more so when you have others around you.Take cognisance of the situation, Breathe awhile and let the anger subside within you, . You can always reflect later .Otherwise always remember that anger builds up on anger and sends an uncontrolled rush of emotional upheaval throughout the body damaging all reason and cognitive guidance of the mental faculty .

Let’s reflect on how to calm down in such situations .One way to handle anger is to allow a deviation of the mind like in Veena’s case where she had thought of empathy for the person causing the anger. Such deviation allows the mind cool down and develop a power of understanding within itself . Such power is very helpful in calming the mind always.

But in the other situation like that of Maharishi family the right way would have been to divert the attention of everyone from the scene but the intensity of the anger had been very high and hence the cognitive capabilities had been hijacked for everyone. Should we really allow that. Think how a little scolding can work better as compared to the only way of losing control of the situation and the mind completely.

Manoj and his wife had been having argument for over a week now over some trivial matter. His wife noticed that every time the argument had begun Manoj would simply slip out of the house and return much later after her temper had died down. She followed him in their next bout of angry expletives .Manoj had gone to the temple nearby and he sat amongst the bed of flowers in the green lawns of the temple. She sat next to him as he moved aside to offer her more space. All that was causing trouble in them had been forgotten .They both decided to come to the same place next time an argument would start among them.Manoj told her that he would always allow himself a cooling down period every time he lost his temper , by coming to the calm and serene garden. Such distraction really works wonders on the mind and makes it one with the atmosphere .

Lesson learnt : Move out to the place of your liking when you get angry. The place can be the garden nearby, a place of worship, a coffee shop, a favourite restaurant, a small drive around the corner .There you can reflect calmly on the atmosphere around rather than pursuing the train of anger from which you have just execused yourself .

Such actions appear very ridiculous in nature but they work very powerfully on our mind and bring down the rising temperatures in no time.

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist , Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert .

Family Always Comes First