In a country where approaching a psychiatrist/psychologist brings with it all kinds of taboos, fears and the unknown stigmas, reaching out to a family therapist by a couple simply can be a big uphill task. Most often the couple would prefer suffering in silence in their day to day disagreement and dispute rather than approach a professional family therapist. Approaching a therapist is often looked at as a step to lodging complaint against the partner. Couples shy off from reaching for the professional help because they do not want to disclose the problems they are having in their marriage to the family for one simple reason,”What would the people say “.
Let’s understand when do you need to approach a therapist and what process would couple therapy involve.
When you feel your communication with the spouse ends up into irritation and leads to the stomping of feet and rushing out of even a normal discussion quite regularly, the time to reflect is now.
When you feel your love has vanished and your acceptance of each other has been going down day by day, you need to be in touch with a family counselor.
When you carry strong resentment towards your partner on any account ,you should know,it is time to explore a session with a good family therapist.
When you feel you or your spouse has been losing interest in all kinds of spousal activities ,it is time to get a professional help to explore, understand, reflect and reconcile the challenges to your marriage .
Professional help can be available from an approved professionally qualified family therapist and not the usual agony aunts writing columns or providing readymade prescription to all problems.A good qualified professional family therapist necessarily should hold recognised postgraduate qualifications in family therapy in addition to a post graduate degree in psychology. The therapist should have a good standing in dealing with family therapy and counseling.
When you decide to eventually consult such a therapist you can be assured of total privacy and confidentiality of any discussion with the therapist.The professional code of privacy and confidentiality is absolutely sacrosanct for every therapist ,belying the fears “,What will people say”.
Let us now understand ,what would the therapy involve.
Usually the first session begins with the introductory process wherein the therapist is keen to understand as to what kind of issues,problems and disputes have been occurring in your family life and /or marriage.
The session involves knowing about your family history, the systems and the units of inner family circles within the family ,the communication system in your family and the power systems of the family.
The therapist is keen to understand the reasons for your contacting him/her i.e. the problems you are facing as a couple.How long has the problem been occurring and whether you have been consulting any other counselor earlier,if so what has been the impact of such counseling.
The therapist in this session evaluates the relationship the couple shares only on peripheral level as the depth of understanding and the misunderstanding would be assessed only in subsequent sessions and that too with a complete unbiased mind .It is not the task of the therapist to judge you,nor does the therapist acts as a complaint centre. The major task of the therapist is to understand the underlying emotional upheaval prevailing within the relationship of couple ,or amongst all other members of the family .
Though the families of the spouses or / and the spouses obviously look towards the family therapist as the complaint lodging centre ,but that definitely is an absolute misunderstanding of the process of family counseling .The therapist lends an unbiased ear and attention to every dispute,difference of opinion and misplaced emotions. The therapist is not a judge but a facilitator for bringing about better understanding of the misplaced emotions and feelings amongst the family members . It generally happens that the therapist is looked at as the mediator of the disputes by the family members,but mediation definitely has never been the scope of any family or couple counseling.
The therapist would also try to learn from you ,your career graph if working or in own business,the money position,the spending habits,financial interests if any and of course about the extended family members’ financial interests if any in connection with your finances.
Then again sometimes either of the spouses who has contacted the therapist,expects by default that the therapist would align with her or him ,but a true professional therapist approaches the counseling without any kind of preset mindset.The main task of the family therapist is to understand the tensions ,stresses and hindrances prevailing within the marital /family relationships and evolve better perception of the problems prevailing between the marital partners and other family members.
The couple issues could relate to any of the following:
Relationship of either spouse with in laws and other family members.
Household responsibility and commitments of members in honouring their responsibility.
Daily chores and spousal attitude towards sharing the chores.
Relationship of the spouses within and outside marital boundaries .
Marital compatibility of thoughts and emotions.
Sexual adjustments and acceptance.
Sexual orientation and attitudes towards partners.
Parenting plans ,children and parenting issues.
Communication pattern between the couple and the problems being faced in the communication.
Setting up priorities for the marriage and providing needed priority,time and space to each other in the marriage.
Modern couples also look for personal space in marriage as otherwise the relationship often gets suffocated with too much closeness .
Having understood all that has been delineated above, the therapist has to understand personalities of both the spouses ,the acceptance level or non acceptance levels of each others habits ,attitudes,opinions and daily functioning.
In fact a good therapist will help the couple evolve a new outlook and perception of their respective relationship provided ,the partners have the patience to continue with the sessions conducted over a long period of time varying from three to six months .the session may be conducted once or twice a week depending on the convenience and availability of both the spouses.
Though initially every session appears to be an exercise in raising grievances by the couple against each the other . The therapist’s intervention helps the partners read positive and negative cues of each others emotions in the right perspective and the couple soon moves from the warring zone to the negotiation levels. The negotiation is often done by the aggrieved partner to secure future as assurances and promises .The understanding levels though still remain far fetched and many more sessions will be needed to gradually establish a trusting common bond ,wherein an acceptance of each other is re-established amongst the family.
Latest report from my city reads,”cases of domestic violence on the rise, 30 cases reported in last two weeks of corona lockdown”. My city may not be the only one to report that. Family and couples disputes, domestic squabbles and arguments have definitely been on the rise and there have been regular incidents of physical violence taking place among some of the couple’s.
We need to explore within ourselves. We have always been complaining of not giving enough time to our families, spouse, and children and have wished we could find time for them. Now that we have so much time, why is the connectivity missing. Was it on account of the fact that you both have been leading a life different from each other even though married and couldn’t develop much connection? The average time a couple spends with each other on normal times have been no more than 4 to five hours in a day’s time. When you take away the time contribution to other daily routines of life e g. dropping kids at school, going for kitchen shopping, working in the office and the commute time deducted from the awake time of 16 to eighteen hours after six hours of sleep time. Many of us have been putting off a family holiday on account of kids’ education, lack of finances, the difficult boss or just being too committed to responsibility at work place. The much needed connection between us could never be established in all these years hence now it appears too late to do that. But trust it, now is the only time to find that connectivity,
We all form perception based on our cognitive assessment of the person’s’ behavior and our relationship experience with the person. Such a perception bias is a little difficult to go away .It becomes the unbreakable thread of our future dealing with the people. Such perceptive bias can be either be positive or it can be negative too. Your spouse’s behavior in normal times could have helped you form such a cognitive bias towards him or her .for example one cognitive bias could be, “my husband doesn’t contribute anything towards household work”. This becomes a pattern of thought during normal times and even when he does try to extend some help in this area you would have told him,” it’s not your job. Let me handle it you go and watch T.V.”.It could have been okay during normal time to do so but now when the household help is away, the same cognitive bias has become a source of irritation for you, when you notice him enjoying in bedroom and you slog in the kitchen.
There can be many such perception biases between the spouses, amongst other family members on account of earlier events and we find it difficult to overcome such perception biases.
Often it happens that we tend to follow the confirmed pattern of life. A life that has been lived by our parents becomes one such confirmation bias. If we witnessed our father being rude to our mother or we saw the fights in the family while growing up, it becomes a pattern of life for us when we grow up. Unknowingly we end up indulging in to a similar kind of behavior with our kids and spouse whenever there happens to be a little stress in the family. You can fathom the intensity of the yearning for violence in the corona distress. We end up fighting each other rather than being with each other in these difficult times.
Similarly, it kind of becomes a pattern confirmation for the housewife too who after every banter from the husband would say,” He is like that only. Nothing can be done about him”.
It has generally been a belief over the ages that the male member of the family holds complete authority over all decisions concerning the children and wife because man was considered the bread earner. But do you as modern housewife would still subscribe to that theory. The illusion of authority needs to be broken with the realism of truth. Modern woman is no less placed in education, position and authority .You will help yourself and him by coming out of this illusion of authority.
Remember that we neither have to perpetrate violence nor do we have to take it. Take the first step to stop it. Tell the partner,”no more of this .If you do. I will report. Raise your voice firmly without tears.
Find total connectivity by involving children .In case of couple without kids find out what connects .It could be food, television, friends or plain small talk. Drop your biases and resentment. Drop remorse, instead bring about approach. Begin small, begin positive .Things will change.
Express expected behavior from all by being specific during corona lockdown. Don’t just become a victim by owning up the entire household chorus. Call out for help from him and the children. Make them part of every work .Active mind and body will keep everyone away from resentments .Make a community at home helping each other .It can be a good beginning even in tough times.
Keep trying. Tomorrow will definitely be better than today but we all have to work for it. Make everyone do that by love affection and by being firm.Avoid emotional outbursts, rather take charge. Tame that beast now. You know you can do it .Kudos to you.
“I have not been able to find out till date, how he can twist me around his fingers like a puppet and how I give in so easily to all his demands .It is only much later I would realize that I have been made a succor. He played with my emotions”, said Tina. Emotional abuse even though is visible and disturbing yet the victim finds it difficult to ask the perpetrator to stop and leave the victim alone. We all know that the abuse is real and we are being abused but we find it extremely difficult to come out of it. Abusive relationship is in true sense a violence of the soul and mind. Unlike physical abuse it does not hurt on the physical body parts. It hurts in such a way that the bruises and the blood don’t come to the fore yet it shreds the mind, emotions and the self respects to many uncollectible bits, leaving the victim broken in body mind and soul . Its impact can be every time more killing than the actual bullet is fired by someone. The abusive behavior is often directed at a weaker personality irrespective of the status, gender or creed or relationship.
The abusive behavior in marital relationship is often made a tool by either partner to control the other partner’s mind and soul. The advantages sought by the perpetrator could be to gain control over the victim for financial, emotional, psychological, social or simply sadistic pleasure. Emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence, and it can have devastating effects on the physical, emotional and mental health of the victim more so if the victim is a housewife, as she feels threatened of losing her matrimony.
It is not necessary that only intimate and romantic relationship can bring about emotional abuse. The emotional abuse can happen between the mother-son or daughter, parent and the child, or vice versa, between the co-workers, between the friends, amongst the official relations or even casual acquaintances. But often the position wielding stronger power would indulge into such an abuse making use of the power inherent in the opposition.
Threatening to either break the relationship, of leaving the person alone or even threatening to harm physically the victim or self ,defaming or spoiling reputation amongst the friends and family, of taking the kids away are some of the ways . Entire plan of the villain is to play vicious and manipulative mind games to create mental fear, awe and terror and kill the independent thinking of the victim.
Regular Fault finding, pointing out shortcomings and negation of the person’s any and every act would upset even the most brave and positive person. The constant denial of any appreciation and consideration is a terrible abuse causing low self esteem and feelings of failure in the mind of the victim. Critical words turn into put-downs, which are not productive, it’s abusive. When someone is constantly putting you down or questioning your decisions, there’s a malicious motive behind their behavior.
The abuser will have scant regards for victim’s any and every thought, suggestions opinions and would always use statements like,” you don’t know anything and hence don’t talk. A regular flow of fault finding, opposing and blocking, continues. The result of repeatedly having your opinions shot down or being told to shut up or that your thoughts don’t matter is that you stop standing up for yourself. You stop vocalizing your opinions. Ultimately no interaction can exist without open communication and the relationship breaks down.
“I have always had a very problematic marriage and all efforts to make things right have been of no use. I have been advised by my friends to seriously think of consulting a marriage and family therapist .But every time I think of reaching out to one, “the only thought that comes to my mind is, “What if this too does not help. Let, me ask you a simple question, “does marriage counseling really work?’.
Your life can be difficult and beautiful both at the same time. The life of the newly married couples is like a baby conceived in the womb of a mother, giving tough time to the mother all through nine months of its growth from the embryo to delivery but once the baby is born life becomes joyfully beautiful, yet bringing with it challenges everyday of raising a child. The joy of watching your baby grow always is greater than the challenges that come in the process of being a mother.
Marriage offers similar such journey of smooth ride and rough road of mutual problems .The partners to a marriage love each other and at times hate each other but they continue with the journey of matrimonial bliss. Sushant and Daisy (names changed) are in one such relationship. They have had fights; yet they have been living into their marriage despite all odds for ten years. “It had never occurred to me even once that I should walk out of this marriage. I am from a conservative Christian family and Sushant belongs to a kind of liberated Hindu family. Our marriage had not been accepted by our respective families for almost five years. There were issues of social norms, of cultural differences, of devotions and faith. My mother has been a devout Christian and it was difficult for her to conceive that her daughter will not follow a religion of the family”. “Both I and Sushant had made a pact that we would always refer our matters to a third unbiased arbitrator in case of any of the differences that might crop up into our marriage. We found one such unbiased opinion and advice in Family Therapist and Marriage counselor Dr Ramneek Kapoor and all our differences get resolved to our mutual interest”.
“Much of the ideas people get about their marriage counseling at times can be wrong. It is not necessarily the bed room story that is talked about in the counseling. A marital life holds many other points of discord and differences of opinions. There can be personality issues, adjusting with other members of the extended family, household issues, individual career matters, spouse behavior concerns, children growth subjects, older parental care concerns and of course faith and trust fears . Only a third party intervention may not solve these issues but a detailed worked out therapeutic strategy and planning with the help of a qualified professional Family Therapist and Marriage Counselor can definitely go a long way in resolving all such matters.
You really have to be careful when dealing with a delicate matter of marital compatibility and communication breakdown. It cannot be resolved merely by advice of do’s and don’ts. All matters need to be handled in a manner that the counseling given has to achieve the outcome, the couple and the family looks forward to. An untrained and non professional marriage counselor has no idea what he or she is faced with and how this needs to be analyzed and resolved.
“I decided to call our marriage off because I felt like I have been living with a rival roommate not a husband, after we got married his attitude and tone changed towards me. His true nature comes to the fore as he sheds the facade of pretended love.”
FAMILY THERAPY INDIA 