relationship counsellor – FAMILY THERAPY INDIA

Can Your Marriage Partner Be Really Your Best Friend?

August 18, 2026 Ramneek Kapoor

Expecting a spouse to be both friend and lover is a relatively new concept. Some think it’s asking for too much while there are others who strongly believe their spouse can be the best friend.

Rajshree* (name changed) is always talking about her husband’s good qualities. He is working hard for the family. He has always been a man of words, has a strong character, loyalist and trustworthy. He always shows kindness and integrity. She added “He is a loving father, loves to spend time with kids and he gives me full respect”.

But is he her best friend?

“No!” said Damini*(name changed) who is a home maker and mother of a five years old .

“I don’t have intimate relationship with my friends,” she explained. “I don’t live with my friends. And if I did, it would not have changed into marital relationship, I believe friends would not make good marital partners”.

However, there are also many youngsters who have a different viewpoint .

Rhea and Pinky*(names changed) had been classmates from their kindergarten days and grown together as good friends for a decade sitting next to each other in their classroom in school every day, sharing tiffin and other goodies. They even laughed and cried together in all those years.

Pinky had joined defence forces while Rhea pursued her career in law. They decided to get married when time came to do so .

As per Rhea , “I couldn’t think of getting hitched to somebody else because Pinky had always been my best friend”. “And who else can understand you better than your childhood friend”, says Rhea while echoing the same thoughts.

The belief that your partner should be selected from friends’ zone and will make the best spouse is the latest thought prevailing amongst the youngsters and many of them do get married to their best friends Take the case of Darsh* (name changed) who got married to Samar *(name changed) her friend from high school onward.

When this family therapist met some of these couples during the course of a therapy individually or in group, they had voiced their thoughts.

“We definitely wanted somebody who valued and supported us as a friend and not any stranger who meets us over a cup of coffee for a couple of hours and expects us to say “yes”.

However those who opposed this thought line were of the view that “getting married to the guy who has been your friend for long years would mean shifting so many equations of life . Suddenly a kind of difference of status comes in and the society expects the girl to be more respectful and an obeying kind wife to the guy”, said Ragini*(name changed) who had been married to the guy from the college but who had not been her friend.

It’s quite apparent that there are things we want from our friendship and there are some others or additional needs and expectations that we look for in a marital relationship.

But is it unreasonable to expect your husband to be your best friend, or is it the highest form of marital bliss.

The Change of Roles from Friends to Marriage Partners

While staying friends is fine but converting this to marriage does not mean it will stay as it was prior to marriage. It is important that we understand the roles as a couple that we need to play as members of family that would call for a bigger level of responsibilities in addition to a greater level of empathy, understandings and patience towards other members of family.

The couple, who began knowing each other in kindergarten, have been leading their lives separately as they grew up but the time spent away from each other made them realise how much they had wanted to be with each other.

Historically, we have had all kinds of marriages, the arranged ones and the marriages of lovers and friends with the majority tilting towards arranged ones with strangers .

But a relatively new age coming together of boys and girls into their careers, professions and even online friendships have brought a new awakening to the romantic relationships.

The couples now definitely are more career oriented and want their spouses to be of the same mindset where they can support and stand by each other in the progression of life. Indeed, a novel thought.

The roles have been changing for over a decade and a half now where the provider who used to be man earlier can be either one of the partners or a sharing responsibility prevails , sharing of money ,sharing of responsibility , sharing of taking care of kids and sharing of taking care of parents on both sides .

Indeed a new dawn of romantic relationship for some ,while some couples prefer to go old ways yet there are some who still struggle to find fulfilment of their expectations from marriage.

Setting up of realistic expectations on either side can help such people whether marrying a friend or other person who can be made a spouse first and a friend later .We all want our marriage to work for both and make life smoother (or Anand Ashram ) as I often call it and tell the couples visiting us, “A marriage is a two way partnership where both partners contribute equally ,sometimes the balance can tilt either way but ultimately a good balance can be achieved by respect ,love, empathy ,understanding, sharing ,trusting and being compassionate towards self and towards your partner”. One must ensure that you don’t expect everything one sided , a two way communication and two way sharing is what makes a good relationship grow.

Every relationship comes with loads of expectations of the couple and others of their respective families. It is not possible to get every dream, every fantasy and everything you’d wanted out of this relationship.

Not putting on the loads of expectations from either partner and sharing of responsibilities, being there for each other always and at all times may not be sometimes possible for a couple who’s into familial commitments too.

Adopting some, adapting a number of them and giving up a few of your preconceived ideas and looking at your partners, similar situation would always be helpful for the two of you to make it a smooth and enjoyable journey towards marital bliss. In a blissful marital relationship love may not always be visible. Likes and dislikes can change from time to time, demands can be made or met but what triumphs is your commitment and loyalty towards each other.

*All names have been changed and no real names have been used in order to maintain privacy of the people*

How does work affect your marital health?

August 5, 2026August 5, 2026 Ramneek Kapoor

Yes it could be shocking to learn that the avocation we all take to make money and keep the life going , sometimes can be detrimental to a good marital relationship creating an unfathomable distance amongst the partners to the marriage vows .

Working that helps make money is essentially a prime requirement to a marriage preposition in modern times where both partners want to and must have their financial freedom ,realise their own dreams and wishes ,in addition to other social factors .

It is generally seen that and rightfully too ,post marriage each partner values his or her own professional identify which must have been achieved after much hard work and scholarship .

Nowadays personal careers and the progression therein are becoming important for both the individuals and none would like to give it up and compromise the professional growth .

Take the case of this couple who had been in a very passionate relationship for number of years before getting married. They have been together in school and university and had carved out a career in the same field as well .

After a few years of their marriage the wife got the opportunity of going to US on an international assignment .However husband’s family and her spouse never wanted her to go alone abroad .

They wanted her to pass on the opportunity until her husband could find such an option for himself too .

Their disagreement resulted into a marital discord . They almost had decided to part ways till they approached this family therapist . The families eventually agreed that husband and wife can visit each other on and off during her assignment abroad .

But it may not be true for everyone .Working is generally good for mental and emotional well-being. It provides a sense of purpose, money , identity and a disciplined life style. But depending on where you work, what you do, and what resources and support systems you have, work can also undermine your mental ,emotional and physical health thus compromising the marital relationship.

Work factors that may compromise your marital health can be :

Stress :A real killer of mood and emotions ,can interrupt relationships and undermine self belief.
Many of serious chronic health issues e.g. insomnia , high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, and a number of other health issues are tied to .stress . A constant high-stress at the work place environment can still leave its mark on your state of mind and effect companionship.
Burnout : Burnout happens to a be silent creeper kind , is realised only when the body and the mind completely give up .Burnout many a times misdiagnosed as depression can be a real detrimental to a good relationship.
Status comparisons between the partners on account of positions ,sense of competitions if they happen to be in the same field ,recognition etc have been seen as cause of jealousy amongst partners .A doctor couple even after a long marriage ,(where both partners were eye specialists) had a very rough time till this family therapist made them realise their professional rivalry, being the cause of their regular marital discord .
Work environment insecurity: Although the work places nowadays have both men and women working there and a sense of bon homie prevails yet an insecure partner can feel threatened when not finding similar professional environment at his or her work place .An engineer working in a government organisation developed such an insecurity about his marital relationship because of his wife working amongst other male colleagues .

Working in different cities and a long distance marital relationship is also often threatened by fidelity insecurity . It is not necessary that infidelity takes place when living far away from a marriage house ; distressing doubts ,delusions or thoughts have often been seen amongst partners working together in the same city too .However partners do find a distance relationship offering greater difficulties .

What to do if your work is harming your marital Relationship?

Prioritise Self -care : Self-care is very important for our physical, mental, and emotional health. If both the partners aren’t taking care of yourself in simple ways, like getting enough sleep, eating healthfully, and exercising regularly, your work and the work at home may become more stressful. Learn how to practice self-care both at home and at work, such as eating the right kind of food containing adequate calories and proteins ,not skipping meals and medicine in addition to drinking enough water through the day.
Practice mind calming and stress management : By learning and practicing mind calming breathing and relaxing exercises you can manage your stress well .
Identify and set up boundaries : setting up boundaries at work both in terms of relationship ,personal life and time schedule can be little difficult but it will make your life much easier to live .This is necessary to set up boundaries of time schedule ,answering calls or attending to emails for those who work from home to ensure much needed time for personal life with family.
Establish two way communication street at home : it’s important to establish two ways communication both at work and home but more so at home with the family .Selective mutism and not talking gives an impression that you aren’t paying attention to what the partner ,the kids or the other members of family At the same time not allowing others to speak too can cause resentment.Hence establish emotional connects at home .
Seek professional help when needed : it always helps to talk with a professional family therapist ,to understand the issues involved,the conflicts causing situations both at home and work and seek good solutions .You can speak to us at http://www.familytherapyindia.com
Or http://www.mansikpramarsh.co
Of course we are always there to help .

Are you a happy couple or an unhappy one but you are in love.Pick up some Tips for Building a life lasting Relationship

March 14, 2026March 14, 2026 Ramneek Kapoor

Ankur and Meeta have been married for a number of years now . They seem to have been having serious thoughts on their relationship already. The couple have been staying with and without each other quite frequently in all these four years . One small tiff and the bags get packed . Meeta gets back to her mother’s house, or if she does not go out then it’s Ankur who would shift to the separate bedroom at the first floor of the house. The accusations and blames keep them apart for a few months, till one of them apologizes.They come together and the honeymoon begins again . Ankur’s mother has by now adjusted to their frequent bouts, as it has become a routine affair. Meeta wants Ankur should be dynamic in today’s competitive world and drop his laid back attitude .She would like him to move fast in his career ,and match the dynamism,she feels she is equipped with.For Ankur,the priorities are his family,his ailing mother who needs him and hence he feels satisfied with his progress.

Somewhat similar story has been going on between Bhuvan and Anita .Their 16 years of marriage has come to a stand still with both virtually accusing each other of neglect and oppression .Anita blames Bhuvan of having neglected her for all their marriage period. She feels she could have done better if she had adopted a career so that she could get away from the demands of married life. Bhuvan on the other hand feels oppressed, saying, ” She has been a very demanding wife and does not allow me to breathe freely .I need space of my own now”. he continues, ” from the day we began dating each other she has been like this always”.

But does it happen only after marriage. Not necessarily . Ashy and Neelu end up quarreling on every date even though they would be making up soon. The new issue would come at the next date . For them ,it is wonderful feeling to be in love and date each other. The couple meets for awhile and then pine for each other till they meet at the next date.

While dating prior to the commitment made to each other for a long term relationship, everything is seen by the lovers from behind the rosy shades of love and affection for each other. The emotions of possessiveness and yearning do not allow the lovers to think of and bring in the mundane communication of a daily grinds of life.

It is definitely fine for short term love / date experiments .But being in a long-term relationship isn’t merely pining for the lover’s physical proximity and intimacy alone. Being in long term relationships will involve managing and taking care of many other lives in addition to the lives of the lovers. And it is not an easy task. Both people need to accommodate themselves to new family atmosphere and new relationships in their lives ( which come into their lives as an inheritance of marrying each other) . May be a few years later they will have to raise their own children to make their family a complete unit.

The lovers need to then communicate over many other issues in addition to the romance and love in marriage. The issues that gain priority over love may pertain to jobs and careers, money and household expense, household work and taking care of the babies, social, cultural and religious affairs, parenting and in many cases taking care of the aged and old in the families.

As a couple begins their journey into the long-term relationship of wedded bliss, their love for each other many a times may take a back seat and the love gets reduced to a few stolen kisses and quickies here and there. The couple forgets about nurturing and keeping the flame of love and desire for each other alive. Soon the infatuation of physical hunger wears off and then the focus shifts from the affection to the problems.

The stark realities of need for more money, career priorities and of culture, of religion, and of family may cause concerns and small squabbles. Before these squabbles get blown into major issues and a beautiful relationship begins to disintegrate. The couple needs to understand that every relationship is important in life and more so with the one with whom you have to spend your life time.

Needless to say, that every difference and misunderstanding should be treated as worth working for and saving, once the infatuation begins to fade.

Communication in person and not on the social media , is the only tool and doorway to establish a better understanding. The couple, need to take up all those problems that are causing strangled relationship .It is always good to keep the bedroom stories confined to four walls of the personal bedrooms .But should the couple feel they are not able to communicate with each other without raising voices and angers , they should get the professional advise of the family therapist and relationship counselor. The airing of grievances in the family sitting room can aggravate the problems and cut down the love quotient. Isn’t it a fact that the love still exists, we just have to bring it to the fore again.

Does Emotional Abuse Drive You Crazy?

September 4, 2019April 18, 2026 Ramneek Kapoor

“I have not been able to find out till date, how he can twist me around his fingers like a puppet and how I give in so easily to all his demands .It is only much later I would realize that I have been made a succor. He played with my emotions”, said Tina. Emotional abuse even though is visible and disturbing yet the victim finds it difficult to ask the perpetrator to stop and leave the victim alone. We all know that the abuse is real and we are being abused but we find it extremely difficult to come out of it. Abusive relationship is in true sense a violence of the soul and mind. Unlike physical abuse it does not hurt on the physical body parts. It hurts in such a way that the bruises and the blood don’t come to the fore yet it shreds the mind, emotions and the self respects to many uncollectible bits, leaving the victim broken in body mind and soul . Its impact can be every time more killing than the actual bullet is fired by someone. The abusive behavior is often directed at a weaker personality irrespective of the status, gender or creed or relationship.

argu cpl The abusive behavior in marital relationship is often made a tool by either partner to control the other partner’s mind and soul. The advantages sought by the perpetrator could be to gain control over the victim for financial, emotional, psychological, social or simply sadistic pleasure. Emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence, and it can have devastating effects on the physical, emotional and mental health of the victim more so if the victim is a housewife, as she feels threatened of losing her matrimony.

The first thing you need to understand is that emotional abuse is not so easily recognized by others as the one who indulges into it is always fully well prepared to go on the offensive, should the victim seek any outside help or interference. The others would be made to believe that you are creating difficult situation by your emotional weak mind. They are made to understand that you could be unnecessarily reacting to the situations which you are finding difficult to handle. You could be rather called the one initiating it. The abuser poses to be the victim here. Then again no law of the land looks at emotional abuse as a crime. You do not have any valid proof against the abuser as it is always done in such a manner that none other can come to know of it except the victim. At the basic level all forms of emotional abuse is an act of coercion, intimidation and suppression.
emotional abuse 4 The victim of emotional abuse is often tortured so much that he or she begins to blame self for provoking the perpetrator. The victims are made to believe that they deserve the treatment that is being met to them. In the victim’s perception the villain deserves sympathy. In this manner the abuser becomes the person being sympathized with piety and kind attitude.

Over a period the victim starts thinking: I am definitely sick of my mind and psyche to have caused distress to the one who sympathized with me so much. One could never be more incorrect than this misconception. Such misperception can make one think that one is definitely suffering from psychotic issues and the thought itself can give severe depression.
How can one know one is being subjected to emotional abuse?

emotional abuse 2 It is not necessary that only intimate and romantic relationship can bring about emotional abuse. The emotional abuse can happen between the mother-son or daughter, parent and the child, or vice versa, between the co-workers, between the friends, amongst the official relations or even casual acquaintances. But often the position wielding stronger power would indulge into such an abuse making use of the power inherent in the opposition.

Gender does discriminate when it comes to emotional abuse. Women tend to be more vulnerable than men to emotional exploitation by their men folk.

The ways the perpetrators make use of Emotional Abuse.

There are several ways by which emotional abuse can take place in relationships. Actually abusers may adopt multiple tortuous tools against the weak victims, to control their minds.

Threats

cpl fgt Threatening to either break the relationship, of leaving the person alone or even threatening to harm physically the victim or self ,defaming or spoiling reputation amongst the friends and family, of taking the kids away are some of the ways . Entire plan of the villain is to play vicious and manipulative mind games to create mental fear, awe and terror and kill the independent thinking of the victim.

Regular Fault Finding and Negation of Contribution

crop-hand-pointing-at-upset-girl_23-2147798382 Regular Fault finding, pointing out shortcomings and negation of the person’s any and every act would upset even the most brave and positive person. The constant denial of any appreciation and consideration is a terrible abuse causing low self esteem and feelings of failure in the mind of the victim. Critical words turn into put-downs, which are not productive, it’s abusive. When someone is constantly putting you down or questioning your decisions, there’s a malicious motive behind their behavior.

This chronic shaming wears down the victim’s respectability ,self confidence, decision making ability, conative skills , reducing him or her to a mere moot spectator to the life and happenings around them. Criticism is often in the garb of taunts, challenges and ridicules to ensure the victim does not react and further gets drowned into the abyss of self insult and pity. For example a person may not be referred to as self respecting person but one who expects others to bow before him or her just because he /she thinks very highly of herself/himself.

Not respecting and responding to opinions and suggestions.

emotional abuse 3 The abuser will have scant regards for victim’s any and every thought, suggestions opinions and would always use statements like,” you don’t know anything and hence don’t talk. A regular flow of fault finding, opposing and blocking, continues. The result of repeatedly having your opinions shot down or being told to shut up or that your thoughts don’t matter is that you stop standing up for yourself. You stop vocalizing your opinions. Ultimately no interaction can exist without open communication and the relationship breaks down.

Such an aggressive abuse can be quite negative. It can be as cruel as the abuser telling you that you are useless, time and again thus killing your sense of self worth completely.

Making one feel unwanted

A relationship evolves and flourishes when one person makes the other feel wanted and reciprocity is maintained. This is golden rule to sustain all successful relationships, be it parent-child relationships, lover- beloved relationships and or husband -wife relationships, and even siblings. When the child is accused, abused punished for no fault of the child, the entire sense of self esteem in the child’s mind suffers. The child feels insulted, demeaned, and feels threatened of being abandoned. Such a behavior by the parent, guardian causes emotional, psychological and mental damage to the child, cause extreme mental harm. This also occurs in intimate relationships in which the abuser continues to stay but repeatedly calls the victim names and makes character assassination or other such social personal insults to show that they have no respect for them. In any such relationship, the result is that the victim feels like no one else would want them either and that they are themselves responsible for such a grim situation.

Isolating the victim

The abuser makes sure that the victim is kept apart from friends or other family members .This is another form of emotional abuse. A child or partner may not be allowed to interact with friends. An elderly parent may be denied visits to and from family and friends. Without other healthy relationships, the victim becomes more and more dependent upon the abuser to fulfill his or her needs.This is unhealthy and destructive to their lives.

Partners or parents may keep the victim from getting a job, meaning they don’t form relationships with peers and they have no financial independence. Ultimately, losing the abuser would mean losing everything, even if the victim sees that the relationship is not.

Shifting the blame:

main-qimg-fb5d01aa8cb68a295113832883654288 Passing the onus of doing everything and anything wrong on to the victim is one more of emotional abuse. Emotional blaming is a severe form of mental torture that results into emotional abuse. making the victim feel responsible for the acts , behavior not committed by him or her in another form of abuse, whether physical, sexual, or emotional. The perpetrator will make the victim assume or aver specifically that things that happened are his or her doing. Such acts behavior often takes place in privacy and hence none is in a position otherwise to refute the claim made.

How do I stop it?

The only way to stop such emotional abuse is to raise your voice against the abuse even when the others initially may not understand why you have complaints against such a nice person (remember the perpetrator will be always on the right side with others that matter) in the relationship.

Seeking a Family therapist

couple therapy Reaching out and seeking a professional advice is away helpful. It is not necessary that your partner will agree but mere discussion with a professional family Therapy counselor will be empowering to identify your issues. Such professional counseling reaching out for help can show you a way ahead to deal with the emotional abuse.

Refusing to bow down to the tricks of the abuser and putting your foot down for such emotional abuse with firmness and finality will help. If it doesn’t, at least it will make the abuser clear that the games played by her or him have been seen through and exposed.

If you have such an abusive situation You should come to us at Family Therapy India and we will help you resolve all issues of your marriage in more amicable manner .Find us @ http://www.familytherapyindia.com.

Email us @mansikpramarsh@gmail.com

Call: 09179383554,917324263087

–Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

Do you think your spouse is depressed and want to know how to help

December 11, 2018June 11, 2026 Ramneek Kapoor

When Deepti (name changed) had called on us the other day , she had wanted an appointment for her husband , who she thought had been suffering from depression for quite long time . I had advised her that she should accompany her husband to the counseling session. After a few sessions with both of them together and separately with each partner ,it emerged that both of them suffered from depression.Yet they have been in a denial mode.I have seen in many cases that partners refuse to believe that what they are suspecting others suffer from could also be happening to them .They would always believe that just because the other person is complaining he or she could be depressed.Deepti had faced similar situation when she had come to me.Explained Deepti,”my husband Sameer {name changed}blames me for the problems in our marriage.He says that we have all the problems in our relationship because I am depressed.He tells everyone in my family and his family that if my wife was not undergoing depression,there would not be any issues in our marriage.But on the contrary I believe it’s always my husband who suffers from depression.He always complains about everything and blames me unnecessarily when things do not workout as per his plans”.

It is normal to have little bit difference of opinion in marital life but should each time difference arisen become the cause of a major fight then the husband wife team need to look at their status of their perceptual faculty. It is common to become little dejected after marital argument but to think of the other person being depressed definitely should be a cause of concern for the partners.It is very likely that both partners are perceiving some issues,concerns and a few problems in marriage negatively that has been giving depression to each other.Depression is made out to be a neurotic disorder hence people are always afraid of agreeing that they are undergoing such state of emotional upheaval.The usual response to such situation being.”I am o.k. it is the other person who seems to be suffering from depression”.

Somewhat similar is the story of Seema and Jatin (names changed) both budding doctors still in their process of setting up their household. The problem arose when a fine day Seema threatened to commit suicide on a very small whimsical issue. She had convinced herself that her husband does not pay her as much attention as he is giving to his other female colleagues in the hospital where he works . This came as a very major shock to Jatin. Jatin had nowhere ever thought about his coworkers in this manner. No amount of explanation could convince his wife and she continued to fight with him from time to time on the same subject forcing her husband to lead a solitary life away from the friends and acquaintances.What began as a depression with one of the spouses had pulled the other partner too into the same state of mind ,giving him depression. Jatin explains his situation in the following words,” My wife Seema has been idealising suicide from her college days. Our relationship dates back to seven years now. We had begun dating in the first year of our college. In the college too she was always throwing tantrums on me.It is quite surprising that she acts in this manner only when I am around and with me only.She would often break up with me on small pretexts and remain incommunicado for days together. She will come out of her shell on her own. She would then hardly remember that she has not been in touch with me for so many days. Everything becomes very normal for her soon , but it leaves me completely drained out emotionally.I can never discuss about such a behaviour of my wife to any one in the family or friends as she behaves normal in front of others.I do understand that she does it to gain my attention . For me she is my wife .I do give her the required love and affection. My whole life revolves around her . But I fail to understand why would she want me to be exclusively with her only all the times. This kind of obsessive behaviour from my wife has started telling on my professional responsibility. I can not be a doctor in such a big hospital where I am working by living in isolation and yet I do not know how to solve the problem.You being a psychologist could possibly understand the situation better and help us”.

A few sessions with the couple revealed that they both in spite of their long dating history had failed to emotionally connect with each other so far. Seema had wanted to make the emotional connection but had not understood how to proceed with it. She had always wanted to make Jatin part of her inner life. Each time she tried she sounded more pathetic and distressed and felt completely remorseful when she did not get the desired attention and response from Jatin.

Jatin understood her well but he too could not connect with Seema.He did not know how to make her feel loved and understood.She just wanted him to love her and care about her. But her such behaviour had put off Jatin, leaving him cold and at times uninterested in her .Both the partners had been frustrated and didn’t know how to handle such a situation.

It has been observed by us that one partner in a marriage is depressed , the cause would always be a marital situation between the two spouses. The solution to such a situation has to be found within the marriage situation only.There can be no solution by putting the onus to only one of the members to the marriage, as the reason is not individual but a common factor is responsible for whatever is happening to the spouses.

In the event of either of you suffering from depression , both of you should help each other explore how your relationship dynamic could be causing such a depression. Though you may want the other person to get individual treatment to his or her complaints by way of the intervention of a psychologist, it is in truth be your total marital situation that needs to be looked in a different perspective as different from your own point of view. In such a situation you would do well to get your self assessed by our professional family therapist and counselor. We will together then work out a plan that works to revive your marital relationship .Always remember that you both are equal partners to the happiness and bliss of your marriage and hence let us find the way to the resolution of the differences in marriage too together with each partner respecting and trusting the other equally.

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

Family will survive all storms with a little patience and perseverance