Does Emotional Abuse Drive You Crazy?

emotionl abuse“I have not been able to find out till date, how he can twist me around his fingers like a puppet and how I give in so easily to all his demands .It is only much later I would realize that I have been made a succor. He played with my emotions”, said Tina. Emotional abuse even though is visible and disturbing yet the victim finds it difficult to ask the perpetrator to stop and leave the victim alone. We all know that the abuse is real and we are being abused but we find it extremely difficult to come out of it. Abusive relationship is in true sense a violence of the soul and mind. Unlike physical abuse it does not hurt on the physical body parts. It hurts in such a way that the bruises and the blood don’t come to the fore yet it shreds the mind, emotions and the self respects to many uncollectible bits, leaving the victim broken in body mind and soul . Its impact can be every time more killing than the actual bullet is fired by someone. The abusive behavior is often directed at a weaker personality irrespective of the status, gender or creed or relationship.

argu cplThe abusive behavior in marital relationship is often made a tool by either partner to control the other partner’s mind and soul. The advantages sought by the perpetrator could be to gain control over the victim for financial, emotional, psychological, social or simply sadistic pleasure. Emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence, and it can have devastating effects on the physical, emotional and mental health of the victim more so if the victim is a housewife, as she feels threatened of losing her matrimony.

The first thing you need to understand is that emotional abuse is not so easily recognized by others as the one who indulges into it is always fully well prepared to go on the offensive, should the victim seek any outside help or interference. The others would be made to believe that you are creating difficult situation by your emotional weak mind. They are made to understand that you could be unnecessarily reacting to the situations which you are finding difficult to handle. You could be rather called the one initiating it. The abuser poses to be the victim here. Then again no law of the land looks at emotional abuse as a crime. You do not have any valid proof against the abuser as it is always done in such a manner that none other can come to know of it except the victim. At the basic level all forms of emotional abuse is an act of coercion, intimidation and suppression.
emotional abuse 4The victim of emotional abuse is often tortured so much that he or she begins to blame self for provoking the perpetrator. The victims are made to believe that they deserve the treatment that is being met to them. In the victim’s perception the villain deserves sympathy. In this manner the abuser becomes the person being sympathized with piety and kind attitude.

Over a period the victim starts thinking: I am definitely sick of my mind and psyche to have caused distress to the one who sympathized with me so much. One could never be more incorrect than this misconception. Such misperception can make one think that one is definitely suffering from psychotic issues and the thought itself can give severe depression.
How can one know one is being subjected to emotional abuse?

emotional abuse 2It is not necessary that only intimate and romantic relationship can bring about emotional abuse. The emotional abuse can happen between the mother-son or daughter, parent and the child, or vice versa, between the co-workers, between the friends, amongst the official relations or even casual acquaintances. But often the position wielding stronger power would indulge into such an abuse making use of the power inherent in the opposition.

Gender does discriminate when it comes to emotional abuse. Women tend to be more vulnerable than men to emotional exploitation by their men folk.

The ways the perpetrators make use of Emotional Abuse.

There are several ways by which emotional abuse can take place in relationships. Actually abusers may adopt multiple tortuous tools against the weak victims, to control their minds.

Threats

cpl fgtThreatening to either break the relationship, of leaving the person alone or even threatening to harm physically the victim or self ,defaming or spoiling reputation amongst the friends and family, of taking the kids away are some of the ways . Entire plan of the villain is to play vicious and manipulative mind games to create mental fear, awe and terror and kill the independent thinking of the victim.

Regular Fault Finding and Negation of Contribution

crop-hand-pointing-at-upset-girl_23-2147798382Regular Fault finding, pointing out shortcomings and negation of the person’s any and every act would upset even the most brave and positive person. The constant denial of any appreciation and consideration is a terrible abuse causing low self esteem and feelings of failure in the mind of the victim. Critical words turn into put-downs, which are not productive, it’s abusive. When someone is constantly putting you down or questioning your decisions, there’s a malicious motive behind their behavior.

This chronic shaming wears down the victim’s respectability ,self confidence, decision making ability,  conative skills , reducing him or her to a mere moot spectator to the life and happenings around them. Criticism is often in the garb of taunts, challenges and ridicules to ensure the victim does not react and further gets drowned into the abyss of self insult and pity. For example a person may not be referred to as self respecting person but one who expects others to bow before him or her just because he /she thinks very highly of herself/himself.

Not respecting and responding to opinions and suggestions.

emotional abuse 3The abuser will have scant regards for victim’s any and every thought, suggestions opinions and would always use statements like,” you don’t know anything and hence don’t talk. A regular flow of fault finding, opposing and blocking, continues. The result of repeatedly having your opinions shot down or being told to shut up or that your thoughts don’t matter is that you stop standing up for yourself. You stop vocalizing your opinions. Ultimately no interaction can exist without open communication and the relationship breaks down.

Such an aggressive abuse can be quite negative. It can be as cruel as the abuser telling you that you are useless, time and again thus killing your sense of self worth completely.

Making one feel unwanted

A relationship evolves and flourishes when one person makes the other feel wanted and reciprocity is maintained. This is golden rule to sustain all successful relationships, be it parent-child relationships, lover- beloved relationships and or husband -wife relationships, and even siblings. When the child is accused, abused punished for no fault of the child, the entire sense of self esteem in the child’s mind suffers. The child feels insulted, demeaned, and feels threatened of being abandoned. Such a behavior by the parent, guardian causes emotional, psychological and mental damage to the child, cause extreme mental harm. This also occurs in intimate relationships in which the abuser continues to stay but repeatedly calls the victim names and makes character assassination or other such social personal insults to show that they have no respect for them. In any such relationship, the result is that the victim feels like no one else would want them either and that they are themselves responsible for such a grim situation.

Isolating the victim

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The abuser makes sure that the victim is kept apart from friends or other family members .This is another form of emotional abuse. A child or partner may not be allowed to interact with friends. An elderly parent may be denied visits to and from family and friends. Without other healthy relationships, the victim becomes more and more dependent upon the abuser to fulfill his or her needs.This is unhealthy and destructive to their lives.

Partners or parents may keep the victim from getting a job, meaning they don’t form relationships with peers and they have no financial independence. Ultimately, losing the abuser would mean losing everything, even if the victim sees that the relationship is not.

Shifting the blame:

main-qimg-fb5d01aa8cb68a295113832883654288Passing the onus of doing everything and anything wrong on to the victim is one more of emotional abuse. Emotional blaming is a severe form of mental torture that results into emotional abuse. making the victim feel responsible for the acts , behavior not committed by him or her in another form of abuse, whether physical, sexual, or emotional. The perpetrator will make the victim assume or aver specifically that things that happened are his or her doing. Such acts behavior often takes place in privacy and hence none is in a position otherwise to refute the claim made.

How do I stop it?

The only way to stop such emotional abuse is to raise your voice against the abuse even when the others initially may not understand why you have complaints against such a nice person (remember the perpetrator will be always on the right side with others that matter) in the relationship.

Seeking a Family therapist

couple therapyReaching out and seeking a professional advice is away helpful. It is not necessary that your partner will agree but mere discussion with a professional family Therapy counselor will be empowering to identify your issues. Such professional counseling reaching out for help can show you a way ahead to deal with the emotional abuse.

Refusing to bow down to the tricks of the abuser and putting your foot down for such emotional abuse with firmness and finality will help. If it doesn’t, at least it will make the abuser clear that the games played by her or him have been seen through and exposed.

If you have such  an abusive situation You should come to us at Family Therapy India and we will help you resolve all issues of your marriage in more amicable manner .Find us @ http://www.familytherapyindia.com.

Email us @mansikpramarsh@gmail.com

Call: 09179383554,917324263087

Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

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Have you stayed far too long into the Abusive Relationship.

Portrait of stressed Caucasian womanTanisha (name changed) has been married for seven years into her second marriage. Her earlier marriage  had  not last long enough and before she could realize that she has been married, she was out of the wedlock.Her husband of her   first marriage , could not take to her low mood and low self esteem.He called it quits in one years time. She had met Sunit (name changed ) through the family social circle. Sunit an employed engineer , despite his having divorced her wife from his first marriage had  appealed to the family so much that without any kind of  verification etc., Tanisha had been married off to him . It was all rosy picture for the first few months of her new marital life . She had moved with him to another city where he was  posted on his job. Soon she had been  blessed with a baby. Things started to go wrong the moment she had announced her   being pregnant to her husband. Sunit found it difficult to continue in the job he was holding. He quit the job .They moved back to his parents home.They have both become dependent on his parents meager income of rentals and pension. Tanisha later learnt that Sunit’s   earlier divorce had happened on account of his inability to continue into any job for longer period.

Sunit has since been out of job for seven years. Each day begins with a fight for the financial needs which have been by now mounting to unmanageable levels. Their daughter  is six years old. Her school expenses too have been  rising up every year and will go up further ( her current school expense is being managed by Tanisha’s  parents from their pension funds) .

Businesswoman stressed and tiredIt is obvious Tanisha has to bear the brunt of her husband being unemployed . She is mistreated by her mother in law too. Tanisha  has been moving forth between her parents house and her in laws like a bouncing ball very frequently. The last time she had been away for over six months ( this being longest period of her leaving her husband ). Yet she comes back every time .Every month it happens either she is told to leave her in laws’ place by her mother in law or her husband or she would leave in a huff after the fight vowing never to come back . Her  life goes on in spite of the  mental, physical , emotional , economic and   social abuse.Neither her parents want her to leave her husband nor is she confident enough to lead her life independently.

kisspng-child-sexual-abuse-child-abuse-domestic-violence-5af892ad114415.2740292215262399170707The relationship that Tanisha has been undergoing is a regular feature in her life, as she has been treated very badly in childhood  by   some of the family members, and again by  some of the boy friends in her teens when she was into college.

Relationship abuse is the most common form of psychological, abuse people indulge into to hold a sway over others or allow others to hold a sway over them. It is a kind of psychological exploitation by the perpetrator . At the same time it is also an unnecessary comfort area the victim gets into refusing to come out of it.

swIt has been observed that Women ( irrespective of the fact that they are married or not ) stay in abusive relationships due to a combination of low self-esteem,  still low self confidence ,lack of family support ,poor other  alternatives . This is also compounded by the time and efforts they have invested to rectify the current  relationship, find the research  recently conducted . The results indicate  that 88% of women continue their relationships with their   abusive partner over  longer periods. The women just do not have the courage to move out of the relationships and leave their partners. even after having been abused over longer relationships , many women  ( many men too ) with lack of self esteem and  lack of  self confidence  find it hard to leave their partner. They just prefer enduring the abusive relationship having lost all their trust in their own capabilities.

The study points out that only  a small percentage of  12% of the women in this study who were abused — psychologically or physically — left their partner . This happens when such  women feel they are  not worthy of bringing about any change in their  status .

pexels-photo-568027The low self-esteem in women can be  the result of having undergone  childhood abuse — which can instill fear of the unknown change .Doubts of self empowerment can  raise their tolerance for abuse, and neglect .  Such women  have  reported at least one incident of abuse in their early life , whether physical or psychological.Psychological abuse included things like, “touching inappropriately by a friend or a relative”, “ being  bullied in their childhood”, ” being called  fat or ugly”, ” having been ignored by parents, guardians, or“ being hurled insults by teachers , tutors, classmates or companions “.Most of the abuse  the study   indicates are  psychological.

The research points out that : “…women experiencing high levels of psychological distress may not feel efficacious in their ability .The results showed that 88% of women were still with an abusive partner over longer periods  unwilling to  leave their partners.”Childhood abuse has been  an important contributory factor,“…women who were abused in childhood are  more satisfied with their current relationships(even though it is abusive.) than women who are  not abused in childhood.

“It is possible that women with childhood abuse histories are more relatable in  their relationships than women without childhood abuse histories because they have more tolerance for mistreatment based on early life experiences and resulting interpersonal experiences ”, the researcher points out ,“…the more psychological abuse women are exposed to, the more energy and effort they put forth to resolve the conflict, thus leading to increases in perceived investment.”

“The more  time , effort, emotions and experiences  women invest in their relationship, the more likely they are  to stay in such abusive relationships” , and hence their could be many Tanisha’s enduring abusive relationships.

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist , Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert  .

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Premarital counseling – What should the couple ask a psychologist counselor?

35127-dating-couple-1200When Pooja  and Prakash  had been advised by their friends  to consult a family therapist , they had virtually not known , “what questions they should go and ask the counsellor”.Pooja and Prakash both have had a very private life . To them it was a very big task to go and meet a stranger and discuss  about their love and the  daily issues that had been causing the lovers’ tiff amongst newly engaged couple .Theirs had been an arranged affair. Pooja’s brother  and Prakash’s father worked in the same office . The meeting was arranged by the family after they learnt from Prakash’s father that they had been looking for a match for their son. Things materialised too fast and before   she could realise what had happened , they had been committed to each other. Pooja at times felt , she could have taken some more time to decide, and so did Prakash. They wanted that  they should know each other better before they plunge into the final nod of ,matrimony.

  1. What should they ask the counselor separately as individuals and  as  a couple together once  have decided to tie the nuptials?
  2. Does every couple need such counseling?or is it only their unique situation ?
  3. But we have known each other for so long as lovers / friend’s ,why do we need ,counseling now?
  4. Will the counseling be done in privacy or  will there be more couples will be involved in the process?
  5. Will the counseling involve my /ours parents too?
  6. How will the counseling help me/ us have a smooth/ rocking marital relationships?
  7. How many sessions will be necessary?
  8. What if counselling proves contradictory to the expectations?
  9. Will we still love each after the counselling ?
  10. Will the counselling bring it closer still?

  We look at some of the  answers in the lines below :

What is the right time for a Couple to Seek Premarital Counseling  and what the questions could relate to ?

  • When both the partners are very young and have never been married. ( of course both have   to take decision to get  married only at the legal marriage age allowed by the law of the land )
  • When the commitment for marriage cannot be taken with an open mind and the decision leads to fears and phobia in the individual’s mind.The counsellor could be able to remove the fears and phobia related to marriage decision.
  •  When the decision involves many issues related to   religion, culture, family ,  economic, social background, income,, parenting, household responsibility, work, job, career ambitions,  physical intimacy, sex, companionship, privacy, loss of independence etc. Take your questions to the counsellor and addressed them together .
  • When any of the near relatives, parents, siblings, have been through a bad marriage in the family. The counsellor should be able to clear your doubts and fears.
  • When either or both partners have had a failed marriage before and have been through a trauma of legal divorce.It is very important here to seek counselling before you commit yourself to the new relationship.
  • When the family pressures conflict with personal reasons and attitude.The counsellor will help you reconcile and look at the things differently.
  •   When the individual have been a victim of childhood abuse or domestic violence.The professional counselling is needed to come out of the previous trauma so that you are able to lead a peaceful and much happier  life now after the wedding .
  • When individual has other reasons that could create conflicting situations with either of the spouse or other near and dear ones.Take it up with the counsellor and resolve all issues.

maxresdefault (1)  Let’s Understand a few facts: We as individual live in a predetermined, self imposed ,self selected privacy as we go about our daily living in families and in various roles of society. Yet within this privacy we do have the necessary social interaction and relationships.   Marital counseling can help the couple develop a relationship that has the inbuilt system of allowing space to both the spouses and yet bring about the required intimacy for enjoying the new relationship.  The couple should evolve like two full grown flowers that spread a common fragrance of love and affection and yet appear beautiful in their own individual identity.    Every couple knows that their Dedication to Marriage will build stronger relationships.  Their dedication towards each other will bring about a strong love for each other, a sense of humor, willingness to grow up together, necessary strength for working towards a common cause, shared and tolerance for each other’s religious and cultural beliefs, and commonality of life’s goals.  This dedication will be built upon love, affection, empathy, allowance, understanding, commitment, communication, friendship and of course yearning for companionship.  All these adjectives together make a beautiful garden known as the marriage. One such missing petal can cause the whole flowers fall apart hence the mental strength gained through premarital counseling will provide the necessary feed, , sunlight   and the nurturing to the romancing couple and of course the bring down the ever rising divorce rate the world over.

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Premarital Counseling

images (3) Suzy  and Amit have been going steady for quite sometime now.Their families were happy that  both of them had eventually decided to get married. Suzy was happy too as she celebrated the announcement of her engagement to Amit   to all her friends by throwing a grand party. Amit too had attended the it but he did not seem to very happy with the decision. He wanted some more time to decide but had to say yes on account of family insistence.Suzy was quite taken aback by his reluctance.Suzy’s mother suggested they should consult a family  therapist.

Nalini  had finally found the love of her life when Abhishek had proposed to her . She was however zittery of sharing her life with someone for all times to come .She wanted that both she and her fiance Abhishek should consult a marriage counsellor to understand what lay in their life after wedding.

The decision to get married is a very happy moment but at the same time individuals (irrespective of the fact whether they are male or female) get very apprehensive of sharing their freedom, space, individuality and even responsibility of handing over the managing of their lives to someone else.  Falling in love and getting engaged to someone you have fancied as life partner is very fascinating.  The post engagement is a thrilling and a very delightful time. It is a time when dating, dreaming and fanciful planning takes place between the couples. Most of the couples come close and become emotionally fond of   each other. The physicality of intimacy, close proximity and the idea of having fallen in love are very intoxicating.  This period is the time to know each other and thereby cementing ties for a happy life long relationship. The couples in addition to falling in love should preferably take out some time together to get a positive premarital counseling.  Such a premarital counseling will help the couples uncover and resolve many issues that could become too late after having been married.

Let us see what the premarital counseling means to newly engaged couple:

graphic_couplePremarital Counseling –  a future Relationship Therapy: As blissful couples go through their engagement, looking at their    own ring and adoring the engagement. They get busy preparing their wedding trousseau   , finalizing   wedding plans.  There are enough people to take care of the details of the accessories.  The couple should take out some time for the most important thing of all – their relationship at present and their relationship that is being built up through the sacred marriage.  In earlier times of joint family systems, an older sister, sister in law, other seniors in the family like a grandmother, or an older aunt, some close family friend took over the counseling of the bride to be or the groom to be.  But the independent single family system has deprived such a privilege to modern couples.     Social thinkers and family psychologists recommend that each couple who has opted to get married and tie the knot should go through at least one session of premarital counseling. Couples may have specific needs in premarital counseling and therapy, such as following particular religious faith and culture, maintaining traditions of their family issues and the questions of sharing their personal world, privacy or possessions with another person and likewise, so  there could be many questions lurking about the future life.

51372915-happy-couple-in-love-datingWhat is premarital counselling? premarital counseling is advice and counseling imparted to a young couple (man and woman) who are about to get married   shortly. The counseling usually is imparted to the   couple together. But many a times individual counseling is also undertaken to  assist the individuals in removing many of  the myths, fears, misconceptions which could lead to conflicts in marriage later, if not handled at the individual level.  The premarital counseling   is facilitated by a qualified psychologist who has had the experience of dealing with marital and family problems for a long time.   The premarital counseling renders

  1. Help to the couples to identify those areas of conflict that could become problematic later on in their lives.
  1. Assist couples in developing understanding for the changed roles in their lives and the expected mutual adjustments expected from now on in their lives.
  2. Equip them with the skills to enjoy and pilot their way through a meaningful marriage successfully.
  3. To develop as responsible fun loving companions for each other and to the other family members.
  • A professional counselor   addressing the pre-marital counseling to the couple will make use of many kinds of assessment criterion to help the couple understand the rosy as well as bleak areas which could either make the marriage enjoyable journey or fill it up with   potential complications.  The psychologist will address some of the common areas given below at the time of premarital counseling:
  •  Male –female Sexuality and its implications /expectations in a married life.
  • Interests and Activities of a married couple and as individual entities
  • Role Expectations for both the partners
  • Personal Adjustment /accommodation for a successful marriage.
  • Interpersonal Communication and interfamily adjustments
  •  Culture,  Morality, Ethics,  Religion And Philosophy
  • Marriage Expectations and the changed life thereafter
  • Family Issues and mutual responsibility
  •  Finances- income- individual-shared
  • Personal growth, family growth, Children ,and Parenting

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Let’s begin knowing each other

IMG_20151108_125327 (2)Mr. Ramneek Kapoor Postgraduate Dip.in Counselling and Family Therapy,M.A.Clinical Psychology, ,M.A.Science of Living Preksha Meditation &Yoga,M.A.Eng,M.B.A,P.G.D.M.S.M.
  • A well known   family therapist, relationship counselor, clinical psychologist  and counseling psychologist.Dr. Kapoor is an expert in clinical analysis of the marital emotional issues,Family therapy, Relationship therapy, Marital therapy ,relationship  counseling ,  psychotherapies , Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Solution Focused based short term therapy, Group therapy, , counseling for Suicidal Patients,  depression, anxiety, stress and anger Management techniques and Relaxation techniques to mention a few.He has been actively involved in helping  families, elderly couples, married couples, dating couples   with their  mental health and well being . He has been  acknowledged as the best mentor family therapist of young  children , school kids, adolescents  and young college going youth, married couples ,elderly people suffering from mental, psychological and emotional issues in their lives. He is presently working as “Family Therapist, Relationship Counselor ,Clinical and Counseling Psychologist” in Alka Mansik Pramarsh Foundation, Indore (M.P.) dealing in  family therapy ,  relationship psychology, clinical psychology , child psychology, Neuro-psychology.
img-20121005-00058-e1415269392398Ms Alka Kapoor M.A.Clinical Psychology Psychologist and Family Therapist hold an experience of 4 decades in the areas of family therapy and Relationship Counseling.Hundreds have been benefited by her gentle counseling.
  • Mrs. Alka kapoor   a rank holder in M.A.Clinical Psychology from Punjab University Chandigarh   is  Director, Family Therapist Mentor Psychologist  of Alka Mansik Pramarsh  Foundation,   Indore. She is expert   family therapist, relationship counselor,clinical psychologist with professional Excellence in Guidance & Counseling field.  Her counseling is   based on the principle of Guidance & Counseling with a gentle touch. She is an expert  dietitian and a  trainer in Yogic Science. She has more than 25 years experience in counseling and guiding people. Thousands of counselees have been benefited by her advise and counseling.
  • She is registered as a professional psychologist from RCI. She  is  a trained expert  in the field of   marriage therapy  psychology, counselling, assessment, psychological therapeutics, organizational behavior and skills development.
Family therapy and Relationship Counseling is an exploratory journey  into the possibilities of bringing back the  pleasures of the love,companionship and heavenly bliss.

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Though initially it may begin with personal pains but the best things occur once we undertake it.Do get in touch today.

email:mansikpramarsh@gmail.com ,Phone:9189383554, 7224896739,07314263087