Yes it could be shocking to learn that the avocation we all take to make money and keep the life going , sometimes can be detrimental to a good marital relationship creating an unfathomable distance amongst the partners to the marriage vows .
Working that helps make money is essentially a prime requirement to a marriage preposition in modern times where both partners want to and must have their financial freedom ,realise their own dreams and wishes ,in addition to other social factors .
It is generally seen that and rightfully too ,post marriage each partner values his or her own professional identify which must have been achieved after much hard work and scholarship .
Nowadays personal careers and the progression therein are becoming important for both the individuals and none would like to give it up and compromise the professional growth .
Take the case of this couple who had been in a very passionate relationship for number of years before getting married. They have been together in school and university and had carved out a career in the same field as well .
After a few years of their marriage the wife got the opportunity of going to US on an international assignment .However husband’s family and her spouse never wanted her to go alone abroad .
They wanted her to pass on the opportunity until her husband could find such an option for himself too .
Their disagreement resulted into a marital discord . They almost had decided to part ways till they approached this family therapist . The families eventually agreed that husband and wife can visit each other on and off during her assignment abroad .
But it may not be true for everyone .Working is generally good for mental and emotional well-being. It provides a sense of purpose, money , identity and a disciplined life style. But depending on where you work, what you do, and what resources and support systems you have, work can also undermine your mental ,emotional and physical health thus compromising the marital relationship.
Work factors that may compromise your marital health can be :
- Stress :A real killer of mood and emotions ,can interrupt relationships and undermine self belief.
- Many of serious chronic health issues e.g. insomnia , high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, and a number of other health issues are tied to .stress . A constant high-stress at the work place environment can still leave its mark on your state of mind and effect companionship.
- Burnout : Burnout happens to a be silent creeper kind , is realised only when the body and the mind completely give up .Burnout many a times misdiagnosed as depression can be a real detrimental to a good relationship.
- Status comparisons between the partners on account of positions ,sense of competitions if they happen to be in the same field ,recognition etc have been seen as cause of jealousy amongst partners .A doctor couple even after a long marriage ,(where both partners were eye specialists) had a very rough time till this family therapist made them realise their professional rivalry, being the cause of their regular marital discord .
- Work environment insecurity: Although the work places nowadays have both men and women working there and a sense of bon homie prevails yet an insecure partner can feel threatened when not finding similar professional environment at his or her work place .An engineer working in a government organisation developed such an insecurity about his marital relationship because of his wife working amongst other male colleagues .
Working in different cities and a long distance marital relationship is also often threatened by fidelity insecurity . It is not necessary that infidelity takes place when living far away from a marriage house ; distressing doubts ,delusions or thoughts have often been seen amongst partners working together in the same city too .However partners do find a distance relationship offering greater difficulties .
What to do if your work is harming your marital Relationship?
- Prioritise Self -care : Self-care is very important for our physical, mental, and emotional health. If both the partners aren’t taking care of yourself in simple ways, like getting enough sleep, eating healthfully, and exercising regularly, your work and the work at home may become more stressful. Learn how to practice self-care both at home and at work, such as eating the right kind of food containing adequate calories and proteins ,not skipping meals and medicine in addition to drinking enough water through the day.
- Practice mind calming and stress management : By learning and practicing mind calming breathing and relaxing exercises you can manage your stress well .
- Identify and set up boundaries : setting up boundaries at work both in terms of relationship ,personal life and time schedule can be little difficult but it will make your life much easier to live .This is necessary to set up boundaries of time schedule ,answering calls or attending to emails for those who work from home to ensure much needed time for personal life with family.
- Establish two way communication street at home : it’s important to establish two ways communication both at work and home but more so at home with the family .Selective mutism and not talking gives an impression that you aren’t paying attention to what the partner ,the kids or the other members of family At the same time not allowing others to speak too can cause resentment.Hence establish emotional connects at home .
- Seek professional help when needed : it always helps to talk with a professional family therapist ,to understand the issues involved,the conflicts causing situations both at home and work and seek good solutions .You can speak to us at http://www.familytherapyindia.com
- Or http://www.mansikpramarsh.co
- Of course we are always there to help .
Latest report from my city reads,”cases of domestic violence on the rise, 30 cases reported in last two weeks of corona lockdown”. My city may not be the only one to report that. Family and couples disputes, domestic squabbles and arguments have definitely been on the rise and there have been regular incidents of physical violence taking place among some of the couple’s.
We need to explore within ourselves. We have always been complaining of not giving enough time to our families, spouse, and children and have wished we could find time for them. Now that we have so much time, why is the connectivity missing. Was it on account of the fact that you both have been leading a life different from each other even though married and couldn’t develop much connection? The average time a couple spends with each other on normal times have been no more than 4 to five hours in a day’s time. When you take away the time contribution to other daily routines of life e g. dropping kids at school, going for kitchen shopping, working in the office and the commute time deducted from the awake time of 16 to eighteen hours after six hours of sleep time. Many of us have been putting off a family holiday on account of kids’ education, lack of finances, the difficult boss or just being too committed to responsibility at work place. The much needed connection between us could never be established in all these years hence now it appears too late to do that. But trust it, now is the only time to find that connectivity,
We all form perception based on our cognitive assessment of the person’s’ behavior and our relationship experience with the person. Such a perception bias is a little difficult to go away .It becomes the unbreakable thread of our future dealing with the people. Such perceptive bias can be either be positive or it can be negative too. Your spouse’s behavior in normal times could have helped you form such a cognitive bias towards him or her .for example one cognitive bias could be, “my husband doesn’t contribute anything towards household work”. This becomes a pattern of thought during normal times and even when he does try to extend some help in this area you would have told him,” it’s not your job. Let me handle it you go and watch T.V.”.It could have been okay during normal time to do so but now when the household help is away, the same cognitive bias has become a source of irritation for you, when you notice him enjoying in bedroom and you slog in the kitchen.
There can be many such perception biases between the spouses, amongst other family members on account of earlier events and we find it difficult to overcome such perception biases.
Often it happens that we tend to follow the confirmed pattern of life. A life that has been lived by our parents becomes one such confirmation bias. If we witnessed our father being rude to our mother or we saw the fights in the family while growing up, it becomes a pattern of life for us when we grow up. Unknowingly we end up indulging in to a similar kind of behavior with our kids and spouse whenever there happens to be a little stress in the family. You can fathom the intensity of the yearning for violence in the corona distress. We end up fighting each other rather than being with each other in these difficult times.
Similarly, it kind of becomes a pattern confirmation for the housewife too who after every banter from the husband would say,” He is like that only. Nothing can be done about him”.
It has generally been a belief over the ages that the male member of the family holds complete authority over all decisions concerning the children and wife because man was considered the bread earner. But do you as modern housewife would still subscribe to that theory. The illusion of authority needs to be broken with the realism of truth. Modern woman is no less placed in education, position and authority .You will help yourself and him by coming out of this illusion of authority.
Remember that we neither have to perpetrate violence nor do we have to take it. Take the first step to stop it. Tell the partner,”no more of this .If you do. I will report. Raise your voice firmly without tears.
Find total connectivity by involving children .In case of couple without kids find out what connects .It could be food, television, friends or plain small talk. Drop your biases and resentment. Drop remorse, instead bring about approach. Begin small, begin positive .Things will change.
Express expected behavior from all by being specific during corona lockdown. Don’t just become a victim by owning up the entire household chorus. Call out for help from him and the children. Make them part of every work .Active mind and body will keep everyone away from resentments .Make a community at home helping each other .It can be a good beginning even in tough times.
Keep trying. Tomorrow will definitely be better than today but we all have to work for it. Make everyone do that by love affection and by being firm.Avoid emotional outbursts, rather take charge. Tame that beast now. You know you can do it .Kudos to you.
The abusive behavior in marital relationship is often made a tool by either partner to control the other partner’s mind and soul. The advantages sought by the perpetrator could be to gain control over the victim for financial, emotional, psychological, social or simply sadistic pleasure. Emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence, and it can have devastating effects on the physical, emotional and mental health of the victim more so if the victim is a housewife, as she feels threatened of losing her matrimony.
It is not necessary that only intimate and romantic relationship can bring about emotional abuse. The emotional abuse can happen between the mother-son or daughter, parent and the child, or vice versa, between the co-workers, between the friends, amongst the official relations or even casual acquaintances. But often the position wielding stronger power would indulge into such an abuse making use of the power inherent in the opposition.
Threatening to either break the relationship, of leaving the person alone or even threatening to harm physically the victim or self ,defaming or spoiling reputation amongst the friends and family, of taking the kids away are some of the ways . Entire plan of the villain is to play vicious and manipulative mind games to create mental fear, awe and terror and kill the independent thinking of the victim.
Regular Fault finding, pointing out shortcomings and negation of the person’s any and every act would upset even the most brave and positive person. The constant denial of any appreciation and consideration is a terrible abuse causing low self esteem and feelings of failure in the mind of the victim. Critical words turn into put-downs, which are not productive, it’s abusive. When someone is constantly putting you down or questioning your decisions, there’s a malicious motive behind their behavior.
The abuser will have scant regards for victim’s any and every thought, suggestions opinions and would always use statements like,” you don’t know anything and hence don’t talk. A regular flow of fault finding, opposing and blocking, continues. The result of repeatedly having your opinions shot down or being told to shut up or that your thoughts don’t matter is that you stop standing up for yourself. You stop vocalizing your opinions. Ultimately no interaction can exist without open communication and the relationship breaks down.
Reaching out and seeking a professional advice is away helpful. It is not necessary that your partner will agree but mere discussion with a professional family Therapy counselor will be empowering to identify your issues. Such professional counseling reaching out for help can show you a way ahead to deal with the emotional abuse.
I love to go to a garden nearby to look at the plants growing and to savor their fragrant breeze full of oxygen and greens. And let me tell you I do love to speak to the plants in the morning as they open up their lovely flowers to the rising Sun and rebuild their energy which they gather from the sunlight .At home we do not have a lawn where we could grow these plants (we live in an apartment) . But on the top of the building where we have managed to rent a terrace we do have a few pots with plants. These plants have very tenderly been reared by my daughter with great care and love. I have seen the fresh flowers of white, red and yellow colors bloom to the plants virtually growing from little buds to the full blown beautiful flowers. Whenever I go the terrace I water them, talk to them and make sure they feel loved and taken care of by me and feel happy about this. I feel my conversing with my plants exactly is the reason these plants have grown from tiny saplings to the full grown plants adorning their smile into these flowers.
Family will survive all storms with a little patience and perseverance
FAMILY THERAPY INDIA 