pre-divorce counseling – Page 2 – FAMILY THERAPY INDIA

mother-and-baby Poonam and her husband Sangit had a wonderful marriage going for the first year of their marriage.Everything seemed to have been set specially to bring the joy and comfortable living for them in their life, but things took an adverse turn when Poonam had conceived her first baby. Her pregnancy ( an unplanned one ) had happened and Sangit didn’t know how to handle this. Poonam’s early morning sickness was too much for him to take .He felt that he had been dealt a wrong hand in the marriage.The same wife who used to be at his side all the times had almost forgotten about his being there in her life .Poonam noticed he had begun avoiding spending time with her.The gap had further widened in them after the delivery .Sangit felt that Poonam had been spending her time with the child and she did not have any space left for him in her life. The daily spat of words and tiffs took the ugliest toll on their relationships when Poonam had attempted to hurt herself in a fit of rage . That is when they decided to call on the family therapist for an intervention.

arguing couple Dolly had echoed similar words of dissatisfaction in her marriage to this therapist as she expressed her annoyance on her husband for spending most of his days for office travel unnecessary . She told the therapist, ” even on the days he is in town he would hardly give time to me and children. Every evening my husband spends his time with his friends partying in the club or a bar”.

Poonam and Dolly are not the only ones who are dissatisfied with their marriages.

Harish a businessman speaks same thoughts when he says, ” my wife throws one kitty party every week compulsorily and the days she does not throw a party herself, it would be any of her friends inviting her over. We hardly see each other at home. We have become strangers staying under the same roof”.

Couples express their dissatisfaction with their marriages in many ways. one of them being not spending much time together or not giving the required attention to demands of each other. It is apparent today’s marital life is not what it used to be ten or twenty years ago. The internet, the need for travel , the need of socialising for each partner to the marriage demands time from them and they can hardly find time for each other . Resultantly , each partner is finding the other one going away from him or her. But in order to keep the contract of marriage running they are demanding more from each other without putting in the necessary time to be with each other .

From the case studies mentioned above it can be seen that the couples are basically divided their time and life into many different compartments, depending on the situations in which they currently are. These compartments can be identified as:

The couples with small children allocate most of their time to the act of parenting but it is not necessary that both of them do it together.
The couples who have grown up children have found many interests of their own respectively on the internet .
Or they have formed their social circles independent of each other and spend time away from each other .
The couples who do not have interest in either of the above three situations are concentrating on their work and for them their careers hold more importance than being with their partners .

The demands however from the spouses into the marriage remain what these used to be many many years ago. The modern husband wants a wife that he has seen in his mother who was his father’s wife. The modern wife looks forward to a husband as she noticed in her father who led a very devoted life many years ago. These partners to modern marriages often tend to forget that their interest , their needs, their style of living have been completely changed as compared to the times in which their parents had built their families.

The new generation of couples need to understand that they either need to put in more efforts, time and resources into their marriages to make them work or they need to demand less from their relationships .Marriage is about contractual obligations of social nature where each partner would get only what has been invested into. Marriage works when you give as much as you want to get in return .

The best way to make your marriage work is to not to make your marriage a standard measurement of your marriage vis a vis the marriage of your parents . Your marriage possibly is a better marriage contract now as you both are able to pursue your independent areas of interest and at the same time contributing towards the development of each other as a better human being .

But in order to achieve that you have to allow each partner a space wider enough to facilitate the expression of their true self.

You both need to develop a lifestyle that permits investment of time and your socio- psychological inputs in your marriage, to build strong relationship compatibility.

Marriage is no more considered the only source of social and financial security when so many people nowadays live in relationships without actually tying the knots or even getting on with their lives without the need of a partner from the opposite sex. In such evolutionary times the investment of your time and positive energy can definitely make the partnership workable and enjoyable and save you from the disappointment of not getting the right attention from your partner .

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

Family is everything

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These few checks can help you in finding the best Family Therapist for you.

I can understand, it has taken you a lot of cajoling, persuasion and the advice to finally discuss your problems pertaining to the relationships within the family with a professional family therapist and counselor. I congratulate you, for having had the courage to involve a professional person to help you look afresh at your most personal matters. Trust me this is the correct step taken by you. But in order to ensure this exercise does not prove a futile effort, you will obviously need the professional advice in selecting the best family therapist, who can really understand, analyze and in complete confidence help both the partners involved reach thoroughly evaluated, educated and right decisions.

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Seema, had been facing similar such problems in her marriage. She had been taken to the psychiatrist/ psychotherapist for therapy by her family, least realizing that the problem for Seema had not been a psychotic issue but her marital situation involved a mutual companionship, adjustment and compatibility issues.Such a step taken in haste without the professional advice had obviously proven quite expensive resulting in the loss of time and money. Seema found that her family on both sides had looked at her with such suspicion, as if she was a monster suffering from some kind of mental issues.

Here is what had happened in the event of unprofessional urgency:

Seema who did not suffer from any kind of psychotic disorder had been prescribed anti anxiety/ anti psychotic medicines.

She was not able to attend to her regular office work and the sufferings could be seen in her daily interaction with her other family members.
Her children too suffered while her husband continued to declare that he was always right and that the fault greatly happened to be with his wife’s mental illness.

I believe since Family Therapy is a service to the members of the society and involves the maintenance of peace, prosperity and stability of family life I will help give you some guidelines that can be useful for you to take the right decision in the selection of the perfect Family Therapist and Relationship Counselor. These pointers are:

Go to the internet: While internet has been a source of many good or bad products in the online market place, it at least provides you a beginning. You should browse and scan all the information available about the family therapists servicing your area. You can also find the information available on the websites of the family therapists who offer you online counseling, just in case you may find it inconvenient to visit in person. You should particularly look for such family therapists who have been contributing to the building of the education platform for such important issues of family therapy and relationship building. Some of the internet platforms have the rating systems for their verified advertisers, pay attention to the ratings of the therapists.
Check with Friends : Seeking opinion/recommendation of friends though could be little difficult since you may not like to discuss your bedroom issues or personal problems .But family therapy today generally happens to be a very vast area involving counseling and therapy to all members of the family i.e. the elders, the teenagers, the newly married or the middle aged. People who have issues connected with the problems, situations, pertaining to such areas would be benefited if they discuss this with family, friends or even institutions. There is every possibility some of your family/friends must have been to a family therapist. Some good judgment will have to be maintained since in our society people do attach (even in modern times) stigma to the visit to a counselor or a therapist. We have a case where a girl’s mother who had come for her daughter’s counseling did not want to disclose the name of the therapist to her own real sister ( who was also in urgent need of counseling and therapy) fearing the future of her daughter would be affected negatively by such disclosure. But trust me all family therapy is complete confidential .It is mandatory for the therapist to maintain non disclosure and confidentiality of his clients.
Recommendation online: Comments and recommendations given by the earlier clients of the therapists do tell about their satisfaction levels and experiences with therapists. You must check such remarks, comments and recommendations. Your gut feel can definitely tell you if these hold true.
Male or Female Family therapist: You will have to decide your own comfort level in this matter. If you are comfortable talking to the member of your own sex you can choose accordingly or if you believe you want to take up your therapy with both the male and female therapists, you can opt for a clinic where both male / female are available for counseling and therapy . Nowadays many husband –wife as couple therapists practice together.
Differentiate between a Family Therapist or a Psychologist: It is necessary for a family therapist to have the prescribed professional qualification and credentials for the Family Therapy in addition to the prescribed degree in Psychology.It is certainly not possible that the psychologist will be having the required insight into the family therapy theories and systems. You consult a family therapist when the matters relate to relationships within the family which affect the very institution of your family systems .You will need a family therapist when there are issues of generation gap, mutual understanding matters, matters of the discipline of the youngsters, when the husband-wife communication, elders-youngsters communication etc.,are involved..A psychologist will be needed for the unexplained negativity, behavioral and emotional disorders or serious matters connected with the psychotic/neurotic disorders.
Make Phone calls/ Fix an appointment for Personal Visit: I have often seen people do not call on the therapist even when they feel the urgent necessity .Procrastination often leads to the problem getting out of hand. So do not just keep that short list of the family therapists that you have by now taken down from the internet with you. You must act on it and start calling them on the phone in order to pick up the one that suits you best. Initially you can just give a brief idea to the therapist as to why you want to meet him or her. Discuss your problem if the family therapist is willing to listen on the phone .Many family therapist do handle counseling online (and they charge for the same) but in case where other family are likely to be involved for future discussion I would advise you to fix up an appointment and go and meet the family therapist on the appointed day and time in his/her clinic. You are definitely moving towards finding the best possible solution to your needs.

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-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

Family is everything .

Tag: pre-divorce counseling

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