maritaltherapy – FAMILY THERAPY INDIA

Energising your Relationships

March 14, 2019March 14, 2019 Ramneek Kapoor

I love to go to a garden nearby to look at the plants growing and to savor their fragrant breeze full of oxygen and greens. And let me tell you I do love to speak to the plants in the morning as they open up their lovely flowers to the rising Sun and rebuild their energy which they gather from the sunlight .At home we do not have a lawn where we could grow these plants (we live in an apartment) . But on the top of the building where we have managed to rent a terrace we do have a few pots with plants. These plants have very tenderly been reared by my daughter with great care and love. I have seen the fresh flowers of white, red and yellow colors bloom to the plants virtually growing from little buds to the full blown beautiful flowers. Whenever I go the terrace I water them, talk to them and make sure they feel loved and taken care of by me and feel happy about this. I feel my conversing with my plants exactly is the reason these plants have grown from tiny saplings to the full grown plants adorning their smile into these flowers.
Similar to these little saplings and plants all kinds of relationships need constant communication, love, tender care, nurturing and sunshine of trust and admiration. If any of the same is missing our relationships tend to get withered away just as all those seedlings died which had not been attended to by me.
We would often take our relationships for granted once we have formed them. We allow the novelty and the freshness of each other’s company wear of, thinking, “now that we have each other where the hell can the person go”. It is easy to do that as you get busy with the daily grinds of life. But like the delicate plants that were given extra care by me to grow, each relationship too needs to be handled with full involvement and care.
In a relationship or in a friendship, we need to regularly spread the showers of mutual understanding, of admiration the nurture and love. Not all relationships may require you to go out of your way to attend to them. A periodic touch of getting to know about each person as to how he or she is living life ensures we do not feel cut off and likewise the other person too feels in touch. In the current age of internet and social media though people are always available online, yet the lack of personal touch and physical presence of good listeners is felt by one and all. People living under the same roof and sleeping in the common bedroom become strangers as they remain occupied in their own virtual world of WhatsApp.Facebook,instagram,twitter and other online social media apps.
I have many a times met such husbands and wives who do not have either time or an empathetic ear for each other to give at least a hearing to the partners when they need to talk. Being there with an empathetic attitude and listening with patience to the other’s point of view can go a long way in solving many compatibility issues the couples face in their marital life.
I am currently meeting and counseling quite a few numbers of families, where all family members have agreed to spend at least two evenings in a week on working days and every alternate weekend in a month together on family outing or family dinner and they have shown wonderful results in their understanding of each other. The faces of the family members more especially the younger members beam smiles as big as the rose in the picture above after they find their parents spending a quality time with them in such a positive manner.

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Just as we need to take care of the plants, saplings and flowers an protect them from all kinds of weeds, strong winds, too much of sunshine, the same way we need to tend to the relationship by giving our empathetic, loving , and understanding physical presence and listening ears to all family members.

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

Family will survive all storms with a little patience and perseverance

What should you do if your marriage partner is having an affair ?

February 11, 2019February 11, 2019 Ramneek Kapoor

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Every marital relationship is based on mutual trust and understanding. If ever such a question as mentioned in the headline above arises, your immediate response obviously would be, “I would definitely divorce him/her”, and that being an overstatement, you might get agitated and say, “I shall confront him/her and then ask him either to leave the person or leave me”. It is obvious we cannot tolerate cheating of any kind in our life more so if it comes from a marital partner. Hence the response from many without second thought would be, “I will kick him/her out “.

But what will be your reaction, if I ask you to reconcile with your partner in spite of all the betrayal inflicted.

Some of you will say,”He is talking out of his hat,” but trust me there are many others who would want to reconcile despite being betrayed. They’re willing to forgive and believe they can mend the marriage and bring around their partner to see the reason and come back to the marital fold.

It is true that most of us just cannot accept the idea of forgiving a cheating spouse, but you never know how you’ll react to that situation until it happens to you,

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It becomes an altogether a different story when you’re faced with the decision of ending a marital relationship and the consequences thereafter you have actually ended many years long held marriage . You have spent a good part of your life setting up the marital home and then all of a sudden the fairy tale dream turns into a nightmare. It can really be shattering for both partners involved and more so I’d say if you have had kids in this marriage.

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Some of the things that could affect the decision making to either hold on to marriage or move out of the relationship could be —living life without a father for the kids, living life without the kids, living life with lesser money, moving into parental home or moving into a smaller house, a different or lower standard of living, the possibility of looking for a new marriage partner again, and the prospects of your accepting the new life/new partner in your life. In totality it involves tearing up your years of brick by brick built home. Yes cheating is definitely unacceptable as it has undermined your value as a marriage partner and more so as a self respecting individual. But for many people it can be worth it to try to reconcile and rebuild from there. The decision to divorce is a punishment at both ends. It punishes the perpetrator and the victim both ie., The partner who has cheated gets that nightmare too.

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If you have already made up your mind and you are in the process of divorce proceedings, we will advise you to at least give it a good second thought and pay attention to the possibility of reconciliation through the family counseling. If you decide to save your marriage and reconcile your marital relationship, you may want to follow some of the following important steps: advice:

-Do not just spy on your spouse: just expression of doubts can trigger distrust in marriage and if you have asked someone to follow your partner this spells into total betrayal. You have to learn to be a leader of your marriage and not a follower. Your integrity is the key word to your being the leader in your marriage.

-Just hang on to your marriage. The affair your spouse has been indulging into could be a passing fad and may end soon. It had been observed that most of post marriage affairs end up in 9 to 12 months time. Though you do not want to live this torture for so long but it could be worth it to save your marriage for your children.

-Your kindness can become the key factor. You do not have to treat your spouse with disdain, hatred or anger. You can be more accepting, more accessing, more sympathetic and more tolerant towards your spouse during this period. The kind attitude shown by you will bring about a feeling of guilt, repentance sooner than later and act on the conscious of your spouse.

-Use your seductive charms to your advantages.Do Not just grieve over what has happened and neglect yourself. On the contrary now is the time to use your seductive powers and your sexualities to charm the person like the proverbial music played by a snake charmer. Do not withdraw yourself into a shell; rather be more outgoing and more inviting to your spouse.

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Soon you will notice the competition dying down and the vagrant partner returning back to marital fold. Even if it doesn’t happen soon do not give up, extend the rope a little more by your killing charms and soon the effect will take place.

Once the victory is yours, do not celebrate with a war cry. Maintain your dignity self respect and do not have a showdown with your spouse.You don’t want a spouse back with a dented confidence.Act natural and let the spouse gradually become so over a period of time.

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

Family will survive all storms with a little patience and perseverance.

Should you really leave him or does he deserve another chance ?

January 17, 2019January 17, 2019 Ramneek Kapoor

cupl Amrit (name changed)had not believed her eyes and ears when she just discovered that her husband has been cheating on her for so many years.She found out about him accidentally on the internet when her friend pointed out to the similarities she noticed in her new instagram friend and Amrit’s husband,both the persons were no different from each other.She was shocked to see his pictures with another woman and a kid.Indeed it was her husband only. Amrit didn’t know what to do.She had become suicidal in her thoughts but the question of her three years old child kept her away from any such action.

She had been referred to us by the same friend.”I didn’t want to come for marital counseling “,said Amrit, “but now that I am here , I want to ask you a very pertinent question, “My husband has apologized to me for hundred of times.He promised to me that he has stopped his affair.He says he is committed to becoming a new man. My family too believes that he has changed. But my heart refuses to trust him .I feel I and my child {she has a three years old daughter } would be better off without an unfaithful husband. But my moot worry is whether I can really think of getting married again . Should I consider starting my life again with somebody unknown and new? Or should I really forgive my husband and become blind to his future clandestine affairs and trust he has improved now”.

upset cpl The pain of heartbreak, of loss of faith in her own worth and of loss of trust in her marital relationship is difficult to measure yet it is understandable. She has a lot to deal with in her life,in her marriage ,in her mental and emotional pain. To carry on the hurtful baggage, of her husband’s unfaithfulness, and a broken marriage to heal is definitely a tall order to ask for from any wife. The same is probably true in the case of Savi(name changed) whose husband unabashedly admitted to his affair when Savi had caught him red handed.

It is a very painful decision to make and decide to either sustain a marital storm of infidelity or to end and break a marriage when the hurt has been on account of complete loss of trust.

Is it possible to come back once the trust is broken? Is it possible to heal your family from the mental, emotional and social ordeal caused by infidelity of your partner? Does it make sense to just get out of the current relationship and start over with someone else?

Most victims of infidelity and marital cheating and /or other emotional abuse will prefer to believe that they’ll be safer in a new relationship .They definitely hope they will be happier with someone who doesn’t stray away from marriage or who doesn’t cheat on them or abuse them.

Yes it could be true .Such a wishful thinking is completely understandable . However, Sudha was quickly disappointed when in her case,her new husband proved to be much worse than her first partner.She had been abused by her husband of earlier marriage . It took her good five years to come out of it and get legal divorce .Her new husband who is a divorcee himself continues maintaining relationship with his earlier wife ,despite all objections from Sudha. His statement is ,”I feel responsible for her now that she has been wronged by me”.

In the case of Sudha(name changed) above, it appears that her husband really changed for his first wife where he felt responsible for her after having divorced her.But this certainly causes lots of hurt to Sudha.

I’ve seen husbands transforming themselves and changing their attitude towards marriage and family after getting the “I want a divorce” notice from their wives . This wake up call opens their eyes to the possibility of their losing the existing family. But mere words may not be enough .The couple needs to undergo marriage counseling and family therapy to ensure spouse learns the values of family ,love ,affection and fidelity.Having been awakened to the possibility of divorce and subsequent marital therapy sessions a spouse is less vulnerable to make the same mistake again and lose it all.

According to a survey by researchers at the University of Chicago, about 25 percent of married men and 17 percent of married women in the United States admit having been unfaithful sometimes or the other . Another research findings indicate the probability of cheating by partners in marriage closer to 25 percent of women and 40 to 50 percent of men.The statistics may not be much different in India given the spread of social media in all sections of society and the access to better online communication on these platforms.

I was not sure how Amrit’s husband’s promises will hold till he falls into another affair. What If Amrit gave him another chance,on my advise, what’s the likelihood that he’d make the same mistake that almost caused him to lose his family and daughter? But our persistence and the couple’s regularity and sincerity in attending all sessions of couple’s counseling did help bring about better understanding amongst the partners.Says Amrit,”your sessions have been very helpful.Even I understood where I had to make amends in my relationship and attitude towards our marriage.And as for my husband, he is a completely different man now with complete sense of loyalty love and affection towards me and our daughter “.

Yes I’m aware that this could be a rare case where a husband truly transformed himself and proved to his family that he’s changed.

crossroads cpl But If partners were to leave her husbands or the other way around,the very concept of marriage may have to be given a new meaning by the society.It has been my belief that a family is a place where a human can be educated,reformed and brought back with right counseling and marital therapy.Not that I would recommend cheating in this sacred relationship but our counseling and family therapy can ensure that this sort of transgressions would never happen to her again.

But as I had mentioned in my one of write-ups earlier, many wives continue suffering abuse in relationship for years and years .When they wake up to seek amends to the marriage and expect their spouses to mend their ways, it becomes too late.

The best advise here could be ,”to keep an eye on your spouse and read the signs of infidelity”,but it is not the intention of this writer to make a family a detective agency.

Yes it’s true an erring spouse has made serious mistake,but it is also true that the warning of a divorce and taking the kids away with you could be a very harsh wake up call for him to mend his waywardness and improve for future. He can become a better spouse better than anyone else not known and coming as a stranger into your and your children’s life.

We will help you with our counseling and family therapy to develop fulfilling and complete relationships between the two of you .

There is a very strong possibility that the erring spouse who had been disrespecting the marital relationship will now become very keen to transform it; into true love based marriage.

divorced In situation to the contrary here the wife will have a choice. She can let her husband go and she can get out of the marriage. Her husband most likely will marry another woman and treat her like a queen. He will leave you saddled with the kids that you had from him (like it has happened to Divya (name changed) whose husband left her high and dry with a two years old child ,after their divorce.

The question obviously is: how do you heal from your hurt and ordeal? How do you forgive? How do you get to the head-space where you’re able to give your spouse another chance? These are the questions we help you find answer to in our Family Therapy and Marriage counseling sessions .

Come and discuss with us how to proceed.

You take the first step today and find the much needed happiness by calling on us @9179383554 or write to us @ mansikpramarsh@gmail.com

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

Family will survive all storms with a little patience and perseverance

Do you not like the behaviour of your spouse and want him/her to change?Let us understand how…

January 8, 2019January 9, 2019 Ramneek Kapoor

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Veena had married Ajay (both names changed)around 10 years ago when her father had suffered a stroke.She was quite reluctant to marry Ajay .The family pressures prevailed and she said yes .Veena knew about Ajay’s habit of smoking and she had also heard about his relationships with other girls .She had high hopes that she would be able to mould him and persuade him to quit all habits of bachelorhood after their marriage.She trusted him when in the first meeting he had promised her,”from this moment you are the only woman in my life ,and the occasional smoke and drinking that I used to have also I quit hereby”.She was shocked when one of Ajay’s office mate casually mentioned about their drinking bouts on office tours.

Veena was in for another shock as she had read some suggestive messages from an erstwhile girlfriend of her husband on his WhatsApp account. She had thought about giving her spouse an ultimatum but good sense prevailed and she contacted us for counseling?

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“I have told my husband that “If you don’t stop all that you have been doing to cheat me, forthwith ,consider our marriage to be over “.I am here on the advise of my friends who want me to give our marriage one more chance. Although I have actually completely given up on him. He has shown no respect to our marriage of ten years”.

But Veena may not be the only one whose spouse could be having some kind of addiction ,an affair with the old flame or hooked on to porn , or obsessive about a hobby or activity?

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Smitha’s (name changed)husband has been an alcoholic for a long time now .He had been given all kinds of expensive treatment ,sent to rehab three times yet his addiction remained there. Ultimately she had decided to leave him and start life separately taking her daughter with her. But that last minute hope still remained when she called on us along with her husband.

It becomes a big worry as to how does one get one’s spouse to stop such behaviour as has been destroying one’s marriage?

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An ultimatum to end the relationship if the spouse doesn’t mend behaviour is an interesting idea. Your friends or family members may have even suggested the same. Having been through the torture and turmoil of a bad marriage, it must have occured to you many times to end such relationship. It would have even been advised by your counselor. But will it work? if only ultimatums had changed long formed habits and addiction no marriage would have been broken .Ultimatums may work temporarily,bringing forth promises made under duress and to be broken after some time. Your getting angry never get your spouse to end their affair or stop their addictive or obsessive behavior.

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In a sense, it’s empowering to think, and even say to your spouse, “Your behavior is unacceptable. And if it doesn’t stop, I’m leaving you.” An ultimatum offers the ultimate role reversal. It puts you, the victim, in control,but how long will that last . Very soon you will realise that it has all been in vain as the very bad habit for which you had given the ultimatum returns with a vengeance making mockery of your ultimatum.

Leaving home and the partner who doesn’t respect you could be quite appealing.

In the event of your filing for permanent separation it might feel the only choice but on a second thought you’ll feel ,”I could have tried harder .Maybe I did not try hundred percent to better things in my marriage “.

You may ask yourself the question ,” Will the effect of my decision in the long run be good? Will an ultimatum give me the desired results that I want? Or will leaving him temporarily lead to his quitting the addiction and eventually make things work in my marriage”?

You know the answer ,The answer obviously is NO.

Some people may say that ,”If you give your spouse an ultimatum, you establish clear rules and conditions for your marriage ,specifying preset terms and conditions “.

But will such rules and conditions provide your spouse enough willpower and much needed motivation to live by the rules set by you and come out of addiction , the bad behaviour,obsessive compulsion or bad behaviour? In the words of Veena ,”I had set very clear rules but then I realised why would my spouse want to adhere to the rules set by me ?What kind of motivation had I provided to him for quitting his bad behavior.I have realised that the problem in adhering to the promises made by my husband is not the lack of rules; it has been lack of motivation and willpower to live by the rules”.

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Every spouse fully well knows such a behavior is wrong,but sometimes the attractive addiction makes it difficult to admit that his behavior is not acceptable and that it’s destroying your marriage and taking away his sense of self respect. It’s not that he doesn’t care. The problem is that he lacks an internal motivation to do the right thing and come out of his addiction.Sometimes your spouse has to be helped strike the right key in his inner motivation, and build his willpower. An ultimatum imposes rules from the outside; it does nothing to address the lack of motivation on the inside.We help you and your spouse build your and your spouse’s inner motivation to achieve certain specific targets.We help you connect with your spouse and build up the willpower to come out of such undesired diversions of life .Once we are able to make healthy and meaningful connections the strong desire to do what the other partner wants takes place to make both of you feel happy and fulfilled. (Research has proved that the single most important factor that determines the fulfillment of a desired life style is always the happiness in the life felt through the connectedness of the partners )

Families who don’t have real emotional connection with each other will be diverted to anything in an attempt to fill that void in their life. That’s what leads people to alliances outside marriage, an obsession about past relations, obsessive commitment to success, work, or a hobby. The emptiness a spouse seeks to fill through alternatives is actually lack of a meaningful connection in his life.

Family therapist during meeting with unhappy, married couple

We help you create that connection with your spouse, by Mindful Perceptive Meditation , Couple Counselling and Marital Relationship Therapy .This helps kindle the intimacy ,desire and respect in your marriage .A new found love and respect for each other eliminate your spouse’s desire for his destructive behavior. This also offers your spouse an emotional stability which he seems to have been missing probably since his childhood. Your spouse’s destructive behavior can probably be traced back to a disconnected relationship he had with his mother or father.

There is a very strong possibility that in spite of having been married for so long couples do not have any idea how to deeply establish a connect and they have been living all this while as disconnected two strangers. Such disconnect obviously makes your marriage totally dysfunctional. It may sound a little harsh but it’s true.

The time now is to come out of such disconnect and let’s together make your marriage more functional where spouses would respect each other’s desires and wishes.Our Couples Counseling and Marital Relationship Therapy along with Mindful Perceptive Meditation sessions will empower you:
a) to find a better connect in your marriage and improve your marital relationship.
b) to establish such an atmosphere at home for the family that will motivate your spouse to give his full support in the process of renewing and rejuvenating your marriage.

You take the first step today and find the much needed happiness by calling on us @9179383554 or write to us @mansikpramarsh@gmail.com

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

Family will survive all storms with a little patience and perseverance

Perceptive Meditation and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy-medicine free cure for depression anxiety and stress

December 21, 2018December 21, 2018 Ramneek Kapoor

WHAT IS PERCEPTIVE MEDITATION AND WHAT IS COGNITIVE BEHAVIOUR THERAPY (CBT)?

Perceptive meditation is a technique of meditation on the psychic centers of human body by which changes can be brought to the emotions,feelings,perception,attitudes, behaviors, and the total thinking process of the man. Perception on the psychic centres refer to the process of focussing and meditating on these centres of consciousness with complete absorption of mind and body and getting them connected to the endocrine glands situated on the psychic centres . The chemicals secretions this way are rectified by turning the secretion from negative to positives. Such Perceptive Meditation energises the conscious, the subconscious and the unconscious thereby benefiting the body and the mind on three different levels :

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Perceptive Meditation on the physical psychic centres rejuvenates, re- energises and revitalises the immune system of the body and the blood circulation to all vital points of reduces the impact of the negative secretions if any in the system.

Perceptive Meditation on the psychic centres and the endocrinology glands harmonises the efficient functioning of the emotion system of the mind. Such efficient functioning of the endocrine and the nervous system removes all negative thoughts and emotions and generate positive perception of the environment, of the self and of the problems in the day to day life. Thus eradicating depression, stress, anxiety, psychosomatic, neurotic and psychotic disorders without the use of medication and drugs.

Perceptive Meditation trains the mind to clean itself of the stress, the anxiety and get rid of the negative influences like depression, the low self esteem, the suicidal tendency and ideation, of many other serious mental disorders.

COGNITIVE BEHAVIOUR THERAPY

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Let us understand what exactly is the Cognitive Behavior? Cognitive behavior refers to the behavior of the man that can be perceptive and understood. As per the Cambridge Dictionary cognitive means, “connected with thinking or conscious mental processes, relating to or involving the processes of thinking and reasoning. This obviously means that in simple language cognition refers to the process of thinking or of reflecting. Cognitive Behavior Therapy then should be looked as a Therapy that help people improve upon or rectify their thinking that occurs when experiencing emotional distress. The distress so felt affects the emotional state of mind and the behavior .During times of emotional upheavals and distress the mind loses touch with the cognition and becomes negative .The emotions so generated then perceive at all situations, people and events in a negative manner,causing distress all around. The thoughts under such negative emotional state of mind too continue to be negative, and so do the feelings and behavioral response to the external world often leading to melancholy, sadness, feeling of being alone, suicide ideation, psychosomatic bodily distress, eating disorders, obsessions, anxiety, extreme stress .

How does perceptive meditation help : Perceptive Meditation at this stage acts as the positive transformation factor on the inner consciousness of the human psychic centres bringing about a total change into the perception, cognition, thinking and emotions . It converts the negative emotions into the positive emotions .Perceptive Meditation controls the flow of negative energy and generate the positive energy . The negative chemicals produced by the endocrinology glands of the body are stopped and positive chemicals begin flowing, giving rise to the positive perception about the self , emotions feelings, thoughts and subsequent behaviour.Perceptive Meditation Therapy is a meditational self-perceptive, endocrinology based physio-psychotherapy to cure disorders related to emotional, physical, mental and psychological illnesses of the individuals. It is a scientifically proven powerful perceptive meditation therapy to root out the psychological, mental, emotional, social and physical disorders. The identification and elimination of the real causes of physical diseases, mental imbalances and emotional distortions through the gentle perceptive meditation on the psychic centres brings out a new awakened individual person with perfect mental, physical, emotional and social balance leading to a better society.

How does CBT Help : CBT helps in exploration of the source/ events/ experiences ,the origins of the negative thoughts and beliefs e.g. childhood, relationships, workplace bullying or a traumatic event that led to negative thinking , beliefs and caused the emotional, cognitive and behavioural distress to the affected individual. The counsellor then through exploring the evidence that disputes them and help to develop more positive outlook towards those events /emotions .The exploration and identification of the causes of distress ultimately with the help of talk therapy and other mind assuaging tools bring out positive acceptance of the self and positive behaviours .

WHAT CAN PERCEPTIVE MEDITATION AND CBT HELP WITH ?

We mentioned above that both CBT and Perceptive Mediation basically help with the formation of the more positive acceptance of self ,and thus curing the affected of depression, anxiety, stress, low self esteem or relationship problems.

There is evidence to show that Perceptive Meditation and CBT when used together under the guidance of our expert has produced spectacular results bringing people back from disorders such as Depression, Anxiety, Stress, Insomnia, Anger, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Eating Disorders including anorexia and bulimia, low self-esteem, childhood trauma and personality disorders.

WHAT DOES PERCEPTIVE MEDITATION AND CBT JOINT THERAPY INVOLVE?

Perceptive Meditation and CBT joint therapy involve attending 50-minute sessions 3 times a week.

In these sessions you undertake perceptive meditation on the psychic centres and endocrinology glands curing them of all negative effects and in addition goal focused positive mind building exercise therapy, with written and spoken tasks to get rid of depression,anxiety stress,fears ,negativity and form positive self perception.

All sessions are conducted in collaborative manner without the use of medicines.The subtle behaviour change happen without causing any mental trauma or stress to the client. The new cognitive ability so developed is long lasting empowering and helps the client with new more positive perception about the self, the world, and others, and enhance emotional well-being.

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.