Expecting a spouse to be both friend and lover is a relatively new concept. Some think it’s asking for too much while there are others who strongly believe their spouse can be the best friend.
Rajshree* (name changed) is always talking about her husband’s good qualities. He is working hard for the family. He has always been a man of words, has a strong character, loyalist and trustworthy. He always shows kindness and integrity. She added “He is a loving father, loves to spend time with kids and he gives me full respect”.
But is he her best friend?
“No!” said Damini*(name changed) who is a home maker and mother of a five years old .
“I don’t have intimate relationship with my friends,” she explained. “I don’t live with my friends. And if I did, it would not have changed into marital relationship, I believe friends would not make good marital partners”.
However, there are also many youngsters who have a different viewpoint .
Rhea and Pinky*(names changed) had been classmates from their kindergarten days and grown together as good friends for a decade sitting next to each other in their classroom in school every day, sharing tiffin and other goodies. They even laughed and cried together in all those years.
Pinky had joined defence forces while Rhea pursued her career in law. They decided to get married when time came to do so .
As per Rhea , “I couldn’t think of getting hitched to somebody else because Pinky had always been my best friend”. “And who else can understand you better than your childhood friend”, says Rhea while echoing the same thoughts.
The belief that your partner should be selected from friends’ zone and will make the best spouse is the latest thought prevailing amongst the youngsters and many of them do get married to their best friends Take the case of Darsh* (name changed) who got married to Samar *(name changed) her friend from high school onward.
When this family therapist met some of these couples during the course of a therapy individually or in group, they had voiced their thoughts.
“We definitely wanted somebody who valued and supported us as a friend and not any stranger who meets us over a cup of coffee for a couple of hours and expects us to say “yes”.
However those who opposed this thought line were of the view that “getting married to the guy who has been your friend for long years would mean shifting so many equations of life . Suddenly a kind of difference of status comes in and the society expects the girl to be more respectful and an obeying kind wife to the guy”, said Ragini*(name changed) who had been married to the guy from the college but who had not been her friend.
It’s quite apparent that there are things we want from our friendship and there are some others or additional needs and expectations that we look for in a marital relationship.
But is it unreasonable to expect your husband to be your best friend, or is it the highest form of marital bliss.
The Change of Roles from Friends to Marriage Partners
While staying friends is fine but converting this to marriage does not mean it will stay as it was prior to marriage. It is important that we understand the roles as a couple that we need to play as members of family that would call for a bigger level of responsibilities in addition to a greater level of empathy, understandings and patience towards other members of family.
The couple, who began knowing each other in kindergarten, have been leading their lives separately as they grew up but the time spent away from each other made them realise how much they had wanted to be with each other.
Historically, we have had all kinds of marriages, the arranged ones and the marriages of lovers and friends with the majority tilting towards arranged ones with strangers .
But a relatively new age coming together of boys and girls into their careers, professions and even online friendships have brought a new awakening to the romantic relationships.
The couples now definitely are more career oriented and want their spouses to be of the same mindset where they can support and stand by each other in the progression of life. Indeed, a novel thought.
The roles have been changing for over a decade and a half now where the provider who used to be man earlier can be either one of the partners or a sharing responsibility prevails , sharing of money ,sharing of responsibility , sharing of taking care of kids and sharing of taking care of parents on both sides .
Indeed a new dawn of romantic relationship for some ,while some couples prefer to go old ways yet there are some who still struggle to find fulfilment of their expectations from marriage.
Setting up of realistic expectations on either side can help such people whether marrying a friend or other person who can be made a spouse first and a friend later .We all want our marriage to work for both and make life smoother (or Anand Ashram ) as I often call it and tell the couples visiting us, “A marriage is a two way partnership where both partners contribute equally ,sometimes the balance can tilt either way but ultimately a good balance can be achieved by respect ,love, empathy ,understanding, sharing ,trusting and being compassionate towards self and towards your partner”. One must ensure that you don’t expect everything one sided , a two way communication and two way sharing is what makes a good relationship grow.
Every relationship comes with loads of expectations of the couple and others of their respective families. It is not possible to get every dream, every fantasy and everything you’d wanted out of this relationship.
Not putting on the loads of expectations from either partner and sharing of responsibilities, being there for each other always and at all times may not be sometimes possible for a couple who’s into familial commitments too.
Adopting some, adapting a number of them and giving up a few of your preconceived ideas and looking at your partners, similar situation would always be helpful for the two of you to make it a smooth and enjoyable journey towards marital bliss. In a blissful marital relationship love may not always be visible. Likes and dislikes can change from time to time, demands can be made or met but what triumphs is your commitment and loyalty towards each other.
*All names have been changed and no real names have been used in order to maintain privacy of the people*
Somewhat similar story has been going on between Bhuvan and Anita .Their 16 years of marriage has come to a stand still with both virtually accusing each other of neglect and oppression .Anita blames Bhuvan of having neglected her for all their marriage period. She feels she could have done better if she had adopted a career so that she could get away from the demands of married life. Bhuvan on the other hand feels oppressed, saying, ” She has been a very demanding wife and does not allow me to breathe freely .I need space of my own now”. he continues, ” from the day we began dating each other she has been like this always”.
While dating prior to the commitment made to each other for a long term relationship, everything is seen by the lovers from behind the rosy shades of love and affection for each other. The emotions of possessiveness and yearning do not allow the lovers to think of and bring in the mundane communication of a daily grinds of life.
As a couple begins their journey into the long-term relationship of wedded bliss, their love for each other many a times may take a back seat and the love gets reduced to a few stolen kisses and quickies here and there. The couple forgets about nurturing and keeping the flame of love and desire for each other alive. Soon the infatuation of physical hunger wears off and then the focus shifts from the affection to the problems.
The stark realities of need for more money, career priorities and of culture, of religion, and of family may cause concerns and small squabbles. Before these squabbles get blown into major issues and a beautiful relationship begins to disintegrate. The couple needs to understand that every relationship is important in life and more so with the one with whom you have to spend your life time.
Communication in person and not on the social media , is the only tool and doorway to establish a better understanding. The couple, need to take up all those problems that are causing strangled relationship .It is always good to keep the bedroom stories confined to four walls of the personal bedrooms .But should the couple feel they are not able to communicate with each other without raising voices and angers , they should get the professional advise of the family therapist and relationship counselor. The airing of grievances in the family sitting room can aggravate the problems and cut down the love quotient. Isn’t it a fact that the love still exists, we just have to bring it to the fore again.
FAMILY THERAPY INDIA 