Note: The names in this article are fictional but the cases are real life situations .
When Deepti contacted me recently, she was naturally concerned about her husband, Sameer. She says for quite a period of time, she noticed a change in him, behaviourally. He frequently went off; easily got irritated and generally wasn’t the man she knew. She was convinced that he was suffering from depression but Sameer had unwillingly shied away from saying so, or seeking any form of help. After much persuasion, she finally brought him in for that counseling session. I also suggested that she accompany him to the counseling session. Couples counseling tends to reveal hidden dynamics.
After several sessions it became apparent that it wasn’t about Sameer’s depression but rather Deepti was struggling with it as well, though she hadn’t seemed to understand it at first. Both were denial-bound to their emotional health; each wrongly convinced that the other was the one needing help. That is what I have seen repeatedly in couples: it’s a lot easier to blame the partner than to see oneself in the mirror.
Denial and Deflection in Relationships
I think one of the most common dynamics I see with couples is this “It’s not me, it’s you” mindset in terms of problems around emotions. People just don’t like to admit that something is wrong with them—especially when the word depression comes into play. There is just such a stigma around mental health that admitting you might be depressed is close to admitting defeat, or weakness. So instead, couples tend to attribute all the issues to their partner.
Deepti’s case is quite apt in this context. “Sameer always says that the problems in our marriage occur because of me, and he goes out and tells people that if I am not depressed, then these problems will not exist. But honestly, I think it’s him who is depressed. He’s always the one complaining and on any occasion that does not go his way, I am the one he’s been lashing out at.”.
This is a really tough situation because while Sameer was so busy pointing out how she is supposedly depressed, Deepti was dealing with hers. Nobody could see how their emotional states were feeding off each other and becoming this cycle that affected them both. It’s pretty common, really – partners are so concentrated on the other person’s behavior that they overlook their own mental health.
Emotional Alienation and Its Cost
Let’s be honest: marriage and argument go hand in hand. It’s just normal for you and your mate to have differing opinions and even get into a squabble every now and then. The problem begins, though, if every disagreement escalates into a full-blown confrontation and neither partner seems to find a way over or around the other. More often than not, depression simply maximizes such situations-making some everyday issues appear more important and more infuriating than they really are.
It makes even a very minor conflict assault on the emotionally vulnerable individual. What may be minor clashes can emerge as major points of friction. Instead of directly confronting such issues, couples are prone to a cycle of internalization: they feel they do not understand each other and are left feeling isolated.
Here, the depression in Deepti and Sameer was deep running. It was not merely an individual problem but also very strongly associated with their relationship dynamics. Their blames, odd moods of Sameer, and his tendency to shift all the blame on his wife were also due to his problems. Deepti felt she was always on the defensive side; hence, she got further distanced. Kind of both of them wearing emotional blinders and couldn’t see into the problem that how your feelings were feeding into the problem.
Depression and Marital Conflict
Here’s the thing about depression in relationships: it doesn’t always surface the way we think it might. One person starts to feel their partner is being hostile or antagonistic, even when that’s not true. What was once a minor irritation suddenly becomes a big deal. When depression is part of the equation, everything feels heavier.
For Deepti and Sameer, what seemed like the most straightforward concern—sameer’s mental health dilemma in fact opened up a revelation that both were dealing with depression and how their relationship has become a breeding ground for it. I became irritable and appeared to shut down emotionally; this was the sign of a man who had given up, while Deepti began to get frustrated and feel isolated, adding to her list of signs which are pretty much those of emotional exhaustion.
But like most couples, they could not look beyond the surface. Sameer thought that everything would have been okay if Deepti hadn’t been so depressed. Deepti thought that everything would have been okay if Sameer hadn’t been so negative all the time. Neither realized that their mutual emotional state was what formed the crux of the problem.
The greatest stigma associated with the subject of depression in a marriage is that people often view it as happening to “other people” or something one has failed at. This is one reason couples are very quick to deny that it’s happening to them. Instead, they tend to point to the actions of their partner, hoping that if the other person changes, everything will get back to normal.
But that’s not exactly how it works. Mental health, especially in relationships, rarely is an individual issue. It goes down to how we relate with each other at its core. Usually, when one partner of the couple has the problem, the other will feel the after-effects as well, though they refuse to acknowledge them.
Seema and Jatin: A Layer of Complexity
I have worked with thousands of couples where depression is involved in their relations and each one is unique. For instance, I can take Seema and Jatin as an example whose names have been changed. Seema and Jatin were a young couple of doctors. They had just started to work and settle in their lives both at work and at home.
One day Seema threatened to commit suicide over something Jatin considered trivial-his giving attention to female colleagues. It came completely out nowhere for him. He hadn’t even considered his coworkers in that way and, no matter how much he tried to explain, Seema couldn’t shake her suspicions.
What started off as a one-time incident turned into a trend. Seema’s insecurities and emotional instability were beginning to give Jatin a lot of headache, where he started distancing himself from friends and family, not wanting to be bothered with the drama at home. What hit me more, though, is how Jatin described it all.
“Seema has been idealizing suicide since college. We have been with each other for seven years now, and she does throw tantrums, only with me. She’d break up with me for the smallest things, not even talk to me for days, and then everything would be back to normal. It is emotionally draining, but I never had anyone to talk to because she seems totally fine around other people.”
It was a tremendous emotional disconnect. Jatin felt drowning in the relationship and was paralyzed by Seema’s emotional outburst. He did not know how he could possibly help her, and neither did she know how to express her needs without scaring him away.
The Effect of Unmet Emotional Needs
In many relations, depression has arisen due to neglected emotional needs. When the unheard or under-loved one fears and gets negated, it sometimes spirals into feelings of inadequacy thus bolstering depression. Seema’s case is one such classic example. Her desire to be liked by Jatin was such that if she didn’t get it the way she had expected, her emotional system would take a toss.
Another side of the picture was that Jatin was trying to hold everything together but often felt held hostage by Seema’s demands and needs. The lack of emotional bonding fed both depressions, and neither could see an end in sight.
Depression in Relationships:
So, how do couples like Deepti and Sameer or Seema and Jatin break out of this cycle? It begins with an acknowledgment that depression is not an individual disease but is highly influenced by the dynamic of the relationship. Both must take a step back to see how the other’s emotional state is influencing theirs.
In most cases, individual therapy can address emotional conflict experienced by one person, but couples therapy is most important because it makes it easier for both of them to see how their relationship has contributed to the problem. Through common effort and understanding, couples can start to understand why they are emotionally disconnected which feeds depression and change that constructively in a better way.
Working with another person- The Power of Mutual Support
At the end, marriage is a partnership. Both should be concerned with each other’s emotional well-being. One cannot point fingers or expect to fix everything on his or her own. Mutual support works in lifting depression and strengthening the relationship.
It was only when Deepti and Sameer both understood that they were suffering from depression that they became constructive towards each other’s relationship by not blaming each other but finding ways to heal each other.
Together Seeking Help
If you or your spouse suffer from depression, treatment for both is in order. Depression is treatable, but it requires work from each partner. Couples therapy could be very helpful in helping each other get over their emotional letdown as a couple and lay new concrete foundations in the relationship.
Depression could be what no one expected to be possible, but two is stronger than one, and with their combined strength, couples will easily find their way back to each other. This is not about a question of the assignment of blame; it is a question of knowing one is in this together.
Marriage is a journey and, just like any other journey has its share of problems. Depression can strain even the best relationships, but it doesn’t have to define them. Acknowledge the role it plays in your dynamic and seek help. Together with your partner, navigate the emotional hurdles ahead of you. Remember-you’re a team, and together you can conquer anything.
Latest report from my city reads,”cases of domestic violence on the rise, 30 cases reported in last two weeks of corona lockdown”. My city may not be the only one to report that. Family and couples disputes, domestic squabbles and arguments have definitely been on the rise and there have been regular incidents of physical violence taking place among some of the couple’s.
We need to explore within ourselves. We have always been complaining of not giving enough time to our families, spouse, and children and have wished we could find time for them. Now that we have so much time, why is the connectivity missing. Was it on account of the fact that you both have been leading a life different from each other even though married and couldn’t develop much connection? The average time a couple spends with each other on normal times have been no more than 4 to five hours in a day’s time. When you take away the time contribution to other daily routines of life e g. dropping kids at school, going for kitchen shopping, working in the office and the commute time deducted from the awake time of 16 to eighteen hours after six hours of sleep time. Many of us have been putting off a family holiday on account of kids’ education, lack of finances, the difficult boss or just being too committed to responsibility at work place. The much needed connection between us could never be established in all these years hence now it appears too late to do that. But trust it, now is the only time to find that connectivity,
We all form perception based on our cognitive assessment of the person’s’ behavior and our relationship experience with the person. Such a perception bias is a little difficult to go away .It becomes the unbreakable thread of our future dealing with the people. Such perceptive bias can be either be positive or it can be negative too. Your spouse’s behavior in normal times could have helped you form such a cognitive bias towards him or her .for example one cognitive bias could be, “my husband doesn’t contribute anything towards household work”. This becomes a pattern of thought during normal times and even when he does try to extend some help in this area you would have told him,” it’s not your job. Let me handle it you go and watch T.V.”.It could have been okay during normal time to do so but now when the household help is away, the same cognitive bias has become a source of irritation for you, when you notice him enjoying in bedroom and you slog in the kitchen.
There can be many such perception biases between the spouses, amongst other family members on account of earlier events and we find it difficult to overcome such perception biases.
Often it happens that we tend to follow the confirmed pattern of life. A life that has been lived by our parents becomes one such confirmation bias. If we witnessed our father being rude to our mother or we saw the fights in the family while growing up, it becomes a pattern of life for us when we grow up. Unknowingly we end up indulging in to a similar kind of behavior with our kids and spouse whenever there happens to be a little stress in the family. You can fathom the intensity of the yearning for violence in the corona distress. We end up fighting each other rather than being with each other in these difficult times.
Similarly, it kind of becomes a pattern confirmation for the housewife too who after every banter from the husband would say,” He is like that only. Nothing can be done about him”.
It has generally been a belief over the ages that the male member of the family holds complete authority over all decisions concerning the children and wife because man was considered the bread earner. But do you as modern housewife would still subscribe to that theory. The illusion of authority needs to be broken with the realism of truth. Modern woman is no less placed in education, position and authority .You will help yourself and him by coming out of this illusion of authority.
Remember that we neither have to perpetrate violence nor do we have to take it. Take the first step to stop it. Tell the partner,”no more of this .If you do. I will report. Raise your voice firmly without tears.
Find total connectivity by involving children .In case of couple without kids find out what connects .It could be food, television, friends or plain small talk. Drop your biases and resentment. Drop remorse, instead bring about approach. Begin small, begin positive .Things will change.
Express expected behavior from all by being specific during corona lockdown. Don’t just become a victim by owning up the entire household chorus. Call out for help from him and the children. Make them part of every work .Active mind and body will keep everyone away from resentments .Make a community at home helping each other .It can be a good beginning even in tough times.
Keep trying. Tomorrow will definitely be better than today but we all have to work for it. Make everyone do that by love affection and by being firm.Avoid emotional outbursts, rather take charge. Tame that beast now. You know you can do it .Kudos to you.
The abusive behavior in marital relationship is often made a tool by either partner to control the other partner’s mind and soul. The advantages sought by the perpetrator could be to gain control over the victim for financial, emotional, psychological, social or simply sadistic pleasure. Emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence, and it can have devastating effects on the physical, emotional and mental health of the victim more so if the victim is a housewife, as she feels threatened of losing her matrimony.
It is not necessary that only intimate and romantic relationship can bring about emotional abuse. The emotional abuse can happen between the mother-son or daughter, parent and the child, or vice versa, between the co-workers, between the friends, amongst the official relations or even casual acquaintances. But often the position wielding stronger power would indulge into such an abuse making use of the power inherent in the opposition.
Threatening to either break the relationship, of leaving the person alone or even threatening to harm physically the victim or self ,defaming or spoiling reputation amongst the friends and family, of taking the kids away are some of the ways . Entire plan of the villain is to play vicious and manipulative mind games to create mental fear, awe and terror and kill the independent thinking of the victim.
Regular Fault finding, pointing out shortcomings and negation of the person’s any and every act would upset even the most brave and positive person. The constant denial of any appreciation and consideration is a terrible abuse causing low self esteem and feelings of failure in the mind of the victim. Critical words turn into put-downs, which are not productive, it’s abusive. When someone is constantly putting you down or questioning your decisions, there’s a malicious motive behind their behavior.
The abuser will have scant regards for victim’s any and every thought, suggestions opinions and would always use statements like,” you don’t know anything and hence don’t talk. A regular flow of fault finding, opposing and blocking, continues. The result of repeatedly having your opinions shot down or being told to shut up or that your thoughts don’t matter is that you stop standing up for yourself. You stop vocalizing your opinions. Ultimately no interaction can exist without open communication and the relationship breaks down.
Reaching out and seeking a professional advice is away helpful. It is not necessary that your partner will agree but mere discussion with a professional family Therapy counselor will be empowering to identify your issues. Such professional counseling reaching out for help can show you a way ahead to deal with the emotional abuse.
FAMILY THERAPY INDIA 