Energising your Relationships

img-20190313-wa0000-444810066.jpgI love to go to a garden nearby to look at the plants growing and to savor their fragrant breeze full of oxygen and greens. And let me tell you I do love to speak to the plants in the morning as they open up their lovely flowers to the rising Sun and rebuild their energy which they gather from the sunlight .At home we do not have a lawn where we could grow these plants (we live in an apartment) . But on the top of the building where we have managed to rent a terrace we do have a few pots with plants. These plants have very tenderly been reared by my daughter with great care and love. I have seen the fresh flowers of white, red and yellow colors bloom to the plants virtually growing from little buds to the full blown beautiful flowers. Whenever I go the terrace I water them, talk to them and make sure they feel loved and taken care of by me and feel happy about this. I feel my conversing with my plants exactly is the reason these plants have grown from tiny saplings to the full grown plants adorning their smile into these flowers.
Similar to these little saplings and plants all kinds of relationships need constant communication, love, tender care, nurturing and sunshine of trust and admiration. If any of the same is missing our relationships tend to get withered away just as all those seedlings died which had not been attended to by me.
We would often take our relationships for granted once we have formed them. We allow the novelty and the freshness of each other’s company wear of, thinking, “now that we have each other where the hell can the person go”. It is easy to do that as you get busy with the daily grinds of life. But like the delicate plants that were given extra care by me to grow, each relationship too needs to be handled with full involvement and care.
In a relationship or in a friendship, we need to regularly spread the showers of mutual understanding, of admiration the nurture and love. Not all relationships may require you to go out of your way to attend to them. A periodic touch of getting to know about each person as to how he or she is living life ensures we do not feel cut off and likewise the other person too feels in touch. In the current age of internet and social media though people are always available online, yet the lack of personal touch and physical presence of good listeners is felt by one and all. People living under the same roof and sleeping in the common bedroom become strangers as they remain occupied in their own virtual world of WhatsApp.Facebook,instagram,twitter and other online social media apps.
I have many a times met such husbands and wives who do not have either time or an empathetic ear for each other to give at least a hearing to the partners when they need to talk. Being there with an empathetic attitude and listening with patience to the other’s point of view can go a long way in solving many compatibility issues the couples face in their marital life.
I am currently meeting and counseling quite a few numbers of families, where all family members have agreed to spend at least two evenings in a week on working days and every alternate weekend in a month together on family outing or family dinner and they have shown wonderful results in their understanding of each other. The faces of the family members more especially the younger members beam smiles as big as the rose in the picture above after they find their parents spending a quality time with them in such a positive manner.

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Just as we need to take care of the plants, saplings and flowers an protect them from all kinds of weeds, strong winds, too much of sunshine, the same way we need to tend to the relationship by giving our empathetic, loving , and understanding physical presence and listening ears  to all family members.

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

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Perceptive Meditation and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy-medicine free cure for depression anxiety and stress

WHAT IS PERCEPTIVE MEDITATION AND WHAT IS COGNITIVE BEHAVIOUR THERAPY (CBT)?

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Perceptive meditation is a technique of meditation on the psychic centers of human body by which changes can be brought to the emotions,feelings,perception,attitudes, behaviors, and the total thinking process of the man. Perception on the psychic centres  refer to the process of  focussing and meditating on these centres of consciousness with complete absorption of mind and body and getting them connected to the endocrine glands situated on the psychic centres . The chemicals secretions this way  are rectified by turning the secretion from negative to positives. Such Perceptive Meditation energises the conscious, the subconscious and the unconscious thereby benefiting the body and the mind on three different levels :

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Perceptive Meditation on the physical psychic centres  rejuvenates, re- energises and revitalises the immune system of the body and the blood circulation to all vital points of reduces the impact of the negative secretions if any in the system.

Perceptive Meditation on the psychic centres and the endocrinology glands harmonises the efficient functioning of the emotion system of the mind. Such efficient functioning   of the endocrine  and the nervous system removes all negative thoughts and emotions and generate positive perception of the environment, of the self and of the problems in the day to day life. Thus eradicating depression, stress, anxiety, psychosomatic, neurotic and psychotic disorders without the use of medication and drugs.

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Perceptive Meditation trains the mind to clean itself of the stress, the anxiety and get rid of the negative influences like depression, the low self esteem, the suicidal tendency and ideation,  of many other serious mental disorders.

COGNITIVE BEHAVIOUR THERAPY

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Let us understand what exactly is the Cognitive Behavior? Cognitive behavior refers to the behavior of the man that can be perceptive and understood. As per the Cambridge Dictionary cognitive means, “connected with thinking or conscious mental processes, relating to or involving the processes of thinking and reasoning. This obviously means that in simple language cognition refers to the process of thinking or of reflecting. Cognitive Behavior Therapy then should be looked as a Therapy that help people improve upon or rectify their thinking that occurs when experiencing emotional distress. The distress so felt affects the emotional state of mind and the behavior .During times of emotional upheavals and distress the mind loses touch with the cognition and becomes negative .The emotions so generated then perceive at all situations, people and events in a negative manner,causing distress all around. The thoughts under such negative emotional state of mind too continue to be negative, and so do the feelings and behavioral response to the external world often leading to melancholy, sadness, feeling of being alone, suicide ideation, psychosomatic bodily distress, eating disorders, obsessions, anxiety, extreme stress .

How does perceptive meditation help : Perceptive Meditation at this stage acts as the positive transformation factor on the inner consciousness of the human psychic centres bringing about a total change into the perception, cognition, thinking and emotions . It converts the negative emotions into the positive emotions .Perceptive Meditation controls the flow of negative energy and generate the positive energy . The negative chemicals produced by the endocrinology glands of the body are stopped and positive chemicals begin flowing, giving rise to the positive perception about the self , emotions feelings, thoughts and subsequent behaviour.Perceptive Meditation Therapy is a meditational self-perceptive, endocrinology based physio-psychotherapy to cure disorders related to emotional, physical, mental and psychological illnesses of the individuals. It is a scientifically proven powerful perceptive meditation therapy to root out the psychological, mental, emotional, social and physical disorders. The identification and elimination of the real causes of physical diseases, mental imbalances and emotional distortions through the gentle perceptive meditation on the psychic centres brings out a new awakened individual person with perfect mental, physical, emotional and social balance leading to a better society.

How does CBT Help : CBT helps in exploration of the source/ events/ experiences ,the origins of the negative thoughts and beliefs e.g. childhood, relationships, workplace bullying or a traumatic event that led to negative thinking , beliefs and caused the emotional, cognitive and behavioural distress to the affected individual. The counsellor then through exploring the evidence that disputes them and help to develop more positive outlook towards those events /emotions .The exploration and identification of the causes of distress ultimately with the help of talk therapy and other mind assuaging tools bring out positive acceptance of the self and positive behaviours .

WHAT CAN PERCEPTIVE MEDITATION AND CBT HELP WITH ?

We mentioned above that both CBT and Perceptive Mediation basically help with the formation of the more positive acceptance of self ,and thus curing the affected of depression, anxiety, stress, low self esteem or relationship problems.

There is evidence to show that Perceptive Meditation and CBT when used together under the guidance of our expert has produced spectacular results bringing people back from disorders such as Depression, Anxiety, Stress, Insomnia, Anger, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Eating Disorders including anorexia and bulimia, low self-esteem, childhood trauma and personality disorders.

WHAT DOES PERCEPTIVE MEDITATION AND CBT JOINT THERAPY INVOLVE?

Perceptive Meditation and CBT joint therapy involve attending 50-minute sessions 3 times a week.

In these sessions you undertake perceptive meditation on the psychic centres and endocrinology glands curing them of all negative effects and in addition goal focused positive mind building exercise therapy, with written and spoken tasks to get rid of depression,anxiety stress,fears ,negativity and form positive self perception.

All sessions are conducted in collaborative manner without the use of medicines.The subtle behaviour change happen without causing any mental trauma or stress to the client. The new cognitive ability so developed is long lasting empowering and helps the client with new more positive perception about the self, the world, and others, and enhance emotional well-being.

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

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Do you think your spouse is depressed and want to know how to help

maxresdefaultWhen Deepti (name changed) had called on us the other day , she had wanted an appointment for her husband , who she thought had been suffering from depression for quite long time . I had advised her that she should accompany her husband to the counseling session. After a few sessions with both of them together and separately with each partner ,it emerged that both of them suffered from depression.Yet they have been in a denial mode.I have seen in many cases that partners refuse to believe that what they are suspecting others suffer from could also be happening to them .They would always believe that just because the other person is complaining he or she could be depressed.Deepti had faced similar situation when she had come to me.Explained Deepti,”my husband Sameer {name changed}blames me for the problems in our marriage.He says that we have all the problems in our relationship because I am depressed.He tells everyone in my family and his family that if my wife was not undergoing depression,there would not be any issues in our marriage.But on the contrary I believe it’s always my husband who suffers from depression.He always complains about everything and blames me unnecessarily when things do not workout as per his plans”.

Family therapist during meeting with unhappy, married couple

It is normal to have little bit difference of opinion in marital life but should each time difference arisen become the cause of a major fight then the husband wife team need to look at their status of their perceptual faculty. It is common to become little dejected after marital argument but to think of the other person being depressed definitely should be a cause of concern for the partners.It is very likely that both partners are perceiving some issues,concerns and a few problems in marriage negatively that has been giving depression to each other.Depression is made out to be a neurotic  disorder  hence people are always afraid of agreeing that they are undergoing such state of emotional upheaval.The usual response to such situation being.”I am o.k. it is the other person who seems to be suffering from depression”.

arguing coupleSomewhat similar is the story of Seema and Jatin (names changed) both budding doctors still in their process of setting up their household. The problem arose when a fine day Seema threatened to commit suicide on a very small whimsical issue. She had convinced herself that her husband does not pay her as much attention as he is giving to his other female colleagues in the hospital where he works . This came as a very major shock to Jatin. Jatin had nowhere ever thought about his coworkers in this manner. No amount of explanation could convince his wife and she continued to fight with him from time to time on the same subject forcing her husband to lead a solitary life away from the friends and acquaintances.What began as a depression with one of the spouses had pulled the other partner too into the same state of mind ,giving him depression. Jatin explains his situation in the following words,” My wife Seema has been idealising suicide from her college days. Our relationship dates back to seven years now. We had begun  dating in the first year of our college. In the college too she was always throwing tantrums on me.It is quite surprising that she acts in this manner only when I am around and with me only.She would often break up with me on small pretexts and remain incommunicado for days together. She  will come out of her shell on her own. She would then hardly remember that she has not been in touch with me for so many days. Everything becomes very normal for her soon , but it leaves me completely drained out emotionally.I can never discuss about such a behaviour of my wife to any one in the family or friends as she behaves normal in front of others.I do understand that she does it to gain my attention . For me she is my wife .I do give her the required love and affection. My whole life revolves around her . But I fail to understand why would she want me to be exclusively with her  only all the times. This kind of obsessive  behaviour from my wife has started telling on my professional responsibility. I can not be a doctor in such a big hospital where I am working by living in isolation and yet I do not know how to solve the problem.You being a psychologist could possibly understand the situation better and help us”.

A few sessions with the couple revealed that they both in spite of their long dating history had failed to emotionally connect with each other so far. Seema had wanted to make the emotional connection but had not understood how to proceed with it. She had always wanted to make Jatin part of her inner life. Each time she tried she sounded more pathetic and distressed and felt completely remorseful  when she did not get the desired attention and response from Jatin.

Jatin understood her well but he too could not connect with Seema.He did not know how to make her feel loved and understood.She just wanted him to love her and care about her. But her such behaviour had put  off Jatin, leaving him cold and at times uninterested in her .Both the partners had been frustrated and didn’t know how to handle such a situation.

psychologist-helping-couple-relationship-difficulties-office-49310915It has been observed by us that one partner in a marriage is depressed , the cause would always  be a marital situation  between the two spouses.  The solution to such a situation has to be found within the marriage situation only.There can be no solution by putting the onus to only one of the  members to the marriage, as the reason is not individual but a common factor is responsible for  whatever is happening to the spouses.

35127-dating-couple-1200In the event of either of you suffering from depression , both of you should help each other explore how your relationship dynamic could be  causing such a depression. Though you may want the other person to get individual treatment to his or her complaints by way of the intervention of a psychologist, it is in truth be your total marital situation that needs to be looked in a different perspective as different from your own point of view.  In such a situation you would do well to get your self assessed by our   professional family therapist and counselor. We will together then  work out a plan  that works to revive your marital relationship .Always remember that  you both are equal partners to the happiness and bliss of your marriage and hence let us find the way to the resolution of the differences in marriage too together with each partner respecting and trusting the other equally.

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

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Do you worry a lot ?Who me? No not me……….

mother seeing child offMrs Sharma sounded  worried when  she handed over the school bag of her daughter to bus attendant, “Please tell the driver not to drive too fast. He fetches  small children, They can fall off their seats “. The bus attendant just nodded her head in affirmation. Not satisfied with just a nod, Mrs Sharma moved to the front of the bus .”Please drive slow and take care of our children” she had told the driver. The driver  too nodded his head. Mrs Sharma waited for the bus to move. She kick started her scooter . She paused for a moment and then turned her scooter towards the direction in which the bus had been going. She followed the bus at a safe distance and eventually having seen the bus safely getting into the school gate, she turned back . Such melodrama has been going on with Mrs Sharma for over a month now.

The matter  came to the notice of the family one day when Mr Sharma had gone to the bus stop to see his daughter off to school. The attendant  told him, “please tell Mrs Sharma not to follow the bus till the school gate.We are equally concerned of the safety of the school kids we fetch to the school .The school driver is a very experienced man and he drives very carefully.He has a very clean service record” .

six years oldJulie is only six years old .She studies in the neighborhood kindergarten school. She had been fine all this while and used to be very eager to go to school every morning .Last week  suddenly out of the blue she complained of stomach ache and refused to go to school. Her mother had taken her to the pediatrician who found nothing wrong with the child . The child had been  referred to the school counselor. A few sessions with the parents, the child and the class teacher  revealed, the  child has been always worried about her mother being alone at home  and this worry always prevailed upon her mind.

Just as the mind of the young child Julie created the drama of her mother being  unsafe at home, the same way worry can play havoc with the mind of the adults too. Worrying excessively can bring into mind series of fears , apprehensions, dark imaginations of the concerns about the safety  of  person and his or her near and dear one’s .

Worry is fine so long as we just reflect constructively and think about the situation or the problem to find out our next course of the action. But when the worry becomes constant fear and apprehension, it turns into  the chronic emotional disturbance  , with the mind being hijacked all the times into apprehended dangers which in reality may never occur. The hijacking of the mind brings with it the chronic anxiety, phobic  thoughts and the loss of reason .The person so affected exhibits obsessive compulsions, generalized anxiety into every situation, panics over trivial matters , fears of  getting cheated, robbed, being abandoned by the near and dear ones and of dying .Some of the affected even begin worrying about the worry that they carry in their mind.

worried womanMrs Narwhal   was so much worried of getting affected  by the germs  or carrying the germs  back home  that she would hang an  extra set of clothes in  her  toilet in advance , which  she wanted   to wear  the moment she would get back home from her trip outside. Every time she had come back to her  house, she would first  get into the bath to wash  her clothes, bathe herself  in order to cleanse herself of all the  germs that she thought she might have brought with her from outside. She would feel completely relieved once having done this ritual .But it is obvious, such a ritual can be  a great pain to other members of her family  as the rule of changing into the fresh clothes after returning from outside and of washing the  clothes that had been worn for going outside immediately on return from outside  played havoc with the peace of the family . Any kind of advise to Mrs Narwhal to stop worrying created further problems as she would  avoid such person who would advise her to not to worry .

Such worries form a part of the depression syndrome  . They bring about with them ,   breathlessness, the faster  heart beats,sweaty perspiration,  choking , suppression of the mind, the feeling of the distress, ,and the  lack of focus , attention and sleep .Such chronic worry  needs to be treated with psychotherapy,  Cognitive therapy , holistic therapy and  even by way of the perceptive meditation to bring about a complete change in the thinking and perceptions of the affected individual.

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

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Have you stayed far too long into the Abusive Relationship.

Portrait of stressed Caucasian womanTanisha (name changed) has been married for seven years into her second marriage. Her earlier marriage  had  not last long enough and before she could realize that she has been married, she was out of the wedlock.Her husband of her   first marriage , could not take to her low mood and low self esteem.He called it quits in one years time. She had met Sunit (name changed ) through the family social circle. Sunit an employed engineer , despite his having divorced her wife from his first marriage had  appealed to the family so much that without any kind of  verification etc., Tanisha had been married off to him . It was all rosy picture for the first few months of her new marital life . She had moved with him to another city where he was  posted on his job. Soon she had been  blessed with a baby. Things started to go wrong the moment she had announced her   being pregnant to her husband. Sunit found it difficult to continue in the job he was holding. He quit the job .They moved back to his parents home.They have both become dependent on his parents meager income of rentals and pension. Tanisha later learnt that Sunit’s   earlier divorce had happened on account of his inability to continue into any job for longer period.

Sunit has since been out of job for seven years. Each day begins with a fight for the financial needs which have been by now mounting to unmanageable levels. Their daughter  is six years old. Her school expenses too have been  rising up every year and will go up further ( her current school expense is being managed by Tanisha’s  parents from their pension funds) .

Businesswoman stressed and tiredIt is obvious Tanisha has to bear the brunt of her husband being unemployed . She is mistreated by her mother in law too. Tanisha  has been moving forth between her parents house and her in laws like a bouncing ball very frequently. The last time she had been away for over six months ( this being longest period of her leaving her husband ). Yet she comes back every time .Every month it happens either she is told to leave her in laws’ place by her mother in law or her husband or she would leave in a huff after the fight vowing never to come back . Her  life goes on in spite of the  mental, physical , emotional , economic and   social abuse.Neither her parents want her to leave her husband nor is she confident enough to lead her life independently.

kisspng-child-sexual-abuse-child-abuse-domestic-violence-5af892ad114415.2740292215262399170707The relationship that Tanisha has been undergoing is a regular feature in her life, as she has been treated very badly in childhood  by   some of the family members, and again by  some of the boy friends in her teens when she was into college.

Relationship abuse is the most common form of psychological, abuse people indulge into to hold a sway over others or allow others to hold a sway over them. It is a kind of psychological exploitation by the perpetrator . At the same time it is also an unnecessary comfort area the victim gets into refusing to come out of it.

swIt has been observed that Women ( irrespective of the fact that they are married or not ) stay in abusive relationships due to a combination of low self-esteem,  still low self confidence ,lack of family support ,poor other  alternatives . This is also compounded by the time and efforts they have invested to rectify the current  relationship, find the research  recently conducted . The results indicate  that 88% of women continue their relationships with their   abusive partner over  longer periods. The women just do not have the courage to move out of the relationships and leave their partners. even after having been abused over longer relationships , many women  ( many men too ) with lack of self esteem and  lack of  self confidence  find it hard to leave their partner. They just prefer enduring the abusive relationship having lost all their trust in their own capabilities.

The study points out that only  a small percentage of  12% of the women in this study who were abused — psychologically or physically — left their partner . This happens when such  women feel they are  not worthy of bringing about any change in their  status .

pexels-photo-568027The low self-esteem in women can be  the result of having undergone  childhood abuse — which can instill fear of the unknown change .Doubts of self empowerment can  raise their tolerance for abuse, and neglect .  Such women  have  reported at least one incident of abuse in their early life , whether physical or psychological.Psychological abuse included things like, “touching inappropriately by a friend or a relative”, “ being  bullied in their childhood”, ” being called  fat or ugly”, ” having been ignored by parents, guardians, or“ being hurled insults by teachers , tutors, classmates or companions “.Most of the abuse  the study   indicates are  psychological.

The research points out that : “…women experiencing high levels of psychological distress may not feel efficacious in their ability .The results showed that 88% of women were still with an abusive partner over longer periods  unwilling to  leave their partners.”Childhood abuse has been  an important contributory factor,“…women who were abused in childhood are  more satisfied with their current relationships(even though it is abusive.) than women who are  not abused in childhood.

“It is possible that women with childhood abuse histories are more relatable in  their relationships than women without childhood abuse histories because they have more tolerance for mistreatment based on early life experiences and resulting interpersonal experiences ”, the researcher points out ,“…the more psychological abuse women are exposed to, the more energy and effort they put forth to resolve the conflict, thus leading to increases in perceived investment.”

“The more  time , effort, emotions and experiences  women invest in their relationship, the more likely they are  to stay in such abusive relationships” , and hence their could be many Tanisha’s enduring abusive relationships.

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist , Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert  .

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