Poonam and her husband Sangit had a wonderful marriage going for the first year of their marriage.Everything seemed to have been set specially to bring the joy and comfortable living for them in their life, but things took an adverse turn when Poonam had conceived her first baby. Her pregnancy ( an unplanned one ) had happened and Sangit didn’t know how to handle this. Poonam’s early morning sickness was too much for him to take .He felt that he had been dealt a wrong hand in the marriage.The same wife who used to be at his side all the times had almost forgotten about his being there in her life .Poonam noticed he had begun avoiding spending time with her.The gap had further widened in them after the delivery .Sangit felt that Poonam had been spending her time with the child and she did not have any space left for him in her life. The daily spat of words and tiffs took the ugliest toll on their relationships when Poonam had attempted to hurt herself in a fit of rage . That is when they decided to call on the family therapist for an intervention.
Dolly had echoed similar words of dissatisfaction in her marriage to this therapist as she expressed her annoyance on her husband for spending most of his days for office travel unnecessary . She told the therapist, ” even on the days he is in town he would hardly give time to me and children. Every evening my husband spends his time with his friends partying in the club or a bar”.
Poonam and Dolly are not the only ones who are dissatisfied with their marriages.
Harish a businessman speaks same thoughts when he says, ” my wife throws one kitty party every week compulsorily and the days she does not throw a party herself, it would be any of her friends inviting her over. We hardly see each other at home. We have become strangers staying under the same roof”.
Couples express their dissatisfaction with their marriages in many ways. one of them being not spending much time together or not giving the required attention to demands of each other. It is apparent today’s marital life is not what it used to be ten or twenty years ago. The internet, the need for travel , the need of socialising for each partner to the marriage demands time from them and they can hardly find time for each other . Resultantly , each partner is finding the other one going away from him or her. But in order to keep the contract of marriage running they are demanding more from each other without putting in the necessary time to be with each other .
From the case studies mentioned above it can be seen that the couples are basically divided their time and life into many different compartments, depending on the situations in which they currently are. These compartments can be identified as:
- The couples with small children allocate most of their time to the act of parenting but it is not necessary that both of them do it together.
- The couples who have grown up children have found many interests of their own respectively on the internet .
- Or they have formed their social circles independent of each other and spend time away from each other .
- The couples who do not have interest in either of the above three situations are concentrating on their work and for them their careers hold more importance than being with their partners .
The demands however from the spouses into the marriage remain what these used to be many many years ago. The modern husband wants a wife that he has seen in his mother who was his father’s wife. The modern wife looks forward to a husband as she noticed in her father who led a very devoted life many years ago. These partners to modern marriages often tend to forget that their interest , their needs, their style of living have been completely changed as compared to the times in which their parents had built their families.
The new generation of couples need to understand that they either need to put in more efforts, time and resources into their marriages to make them work or they need to demand less from their relationships .Marriage is about contractual obligations of social nature where each partner would get only what has been invested into. Marriage works when you give as much as you want to get in return .
The best way to make your marriage work is to not to make your marriage a standard measurement of your marriage vis a vis the marriage of your parents . Your marriage possibly is a better marriage contract now as you both are able to pursue your independent areas of interest and at the same time contributing towards the development of each other as a better human being .
But in order to achieve that you have to allow each partner a space wider enough to facilitate the expression of their true self.
You both need to develop a lifestyle that permits investment of time and your socio- psychological inputs in your marriage, to build strong relationship compatibility.
Marriage is no more considered the only source of social and financial security when so many people nowadays live in relationships without actually tying the knots or even getting on with their lives without the need of a partner from the opposite sex. In such evolutionary times the investment of your time and positive energy can definitely make the partnership workable and enjoyable and save you from the disappointment of not getting the right attention from your partner .
-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.
Family is everything
Tanisha (name changed) has been married for seven years into her second marriage. Her earlier marriage had not last long enough and before she could realize that she has been married, she was out of the wedlock.Her husband of her first marriage , could not take to her low mood and low self esteem.He called it quits in one years time. She had met Sunit (name changed ) through the family social circle. Sunit an employed engineer , despite his having divorced her wife from his first marriage had appealed to the family so much that without any kind of verification etc., Tanisha had been married off to him . It was all rosy picture for the first few months of her new marital life . She had moved with him to another city where he was posted on his job. Soon she had been blessed with a baby. Things started to go wrong the moment she had announced her being pregnant to her husband. Sunit found it difficult to continue in the job he was holding. He quit the job .They moved back to his parents home.They have both become dependent on his parents meager income of rentals and pension. Tanisha later learnt that Sunit’s earlier divorce had happened on account of his inability to continue into any job for longer period.
It is obvious Tanisha has to bear the brunt of her husband being unemployed . She is mistreated by her mother in law too. Tanisha has been moving forth between her parents house and her in laws like a bouncing ball very frequently. The last time she had been away for over six months ( this being longest period of her leaving her husband ). Yet she comes back every time .Every month it happens either she is told to leave her in laws’ place by her mother in law or her husband or she would leave in a huff after the fight vowing never to come back . Her life goes on in spite of the mental, physical , emotional , economic and social abuse.Neither her parents want her to leave her husband nor is she confident enough to lead her life independently.
The relationship that Tanisha has been undergoing is a regular feature in her life, as she has been treated very badly in childhood by some of the family members, and again by some of the boy friends in her teens when she was into college.
It has been observed that Women ( irrespective of the fact that they are married or not ) stay in abusive relationships due to a combination of low self-esteem, still low self confidence ,lack of family support ,poor other alternatives . This is also compounded by the time and efforts they have invested to rectify the current relationship, find the research recently conducted . The results indicate that 88% of women continue their relationships with their abusive partner over longer periods. The women just do not have the courage to move out of the relationships and leave their partners. even after having been abused over longer relationships , many women ( many men too ) with lack of self esteem and lack of self confidence find it hard to leave their partner. They just prefer enduring the abusive relationship having lost all their trust in their own capabilities.
The low self-esteem in women can be the result of having undergone childhood abuse — which can instill fear of the unknown change .Doubts of self empowerment can raise their tolerance for abuse, and neglect . Such women have reported at least one incident of abuse in their early life , whether physical or psychological.Psychological abuse included things like, “touching inappropriately by a friend or a relative”, “ being bullied in their childhood”, ” being called fat or ugly”, ” having been ignored by parents, guardians, or“ being hurled insults by teachers , tutors, classmates or companions “.Most of the abuse the study indicates are psychological.
FAMILY THERAPY INDIA 