Is your uncontrolled anger damaging your relationship with your spouse ?

Nothing else can be as fatal for the marital relationship as your anger. An uncontrolled anger is like a slow poison to the strong threads of relations between husband and wife .The uncontrolled anger virtually eats into the very roots of love,trust and respectability of both the partners .

I have observed while counseling estranged or opposing spouses that couples would often express their anger and resentment towards each other and after a while they tend to cool down when educated about their misplacement of their emotions or expectations from each other.

However heavens may help in situations where one of the spouses happen to have an uncontrolable anger . Such expression of constant complaints and anger often leads to physical abuse ,emotional accusations against each other and ultimate separation.

Anger is not so bad if used momentarily and allowed to subside and defused once it has been expressed. The message that the angry person has been upset over certain issues or acts of either spouse can be conveyed and thereafter both would do better to come to the levels of finding ways to negotiate peace and make amends .

There comes a stage when the partners need to involve a professional family therapist who can help them look at their differences or different perceptions in new light to sort out the disputes .Such intervention is arranged with a view to evolve newer and better emotional understanding amongst the couple ,even though the previous hurt still remains at the background. But the seething anger has been overcome as the partners give each other opportunities to grow their new closeness and understanding.

But many a times the harmed partner particularly wife finds it difficult to let go of the past and forgive her husband. Her anger seethes like a wild fire that knows no direction ,hovering over the relationship and destroying everything that comes in its path .Such situation finds no retrieval and the couple sooner or later ends up parting ways through legal separation,or finding it difficult to stay together peacefully.

A partner with such an uncontrolled anger often brings to the fore the mistakes of the other partner,by shaming him or her at every available opportunities,refuses to listen to any explanation by the partner and believes no compromise can be big enough to solve the problems which have arisen in their relationship.

An understanding partner can help coverup many shortcomings ,mistakes and at times blunders of the erring partner unless it happens to be a complete erosion of trust and faith.But in the event of such a situation too,the partners need to sit together by letting the anger go and understand how to proceed with their relationship further or even give it a break by inflicting the minimum damage to the family and partners themselves.

It is important that both husband and wife should pay attention to their anger control and if they find that their relationship is getting affected by such frequent bursts of anger. They should consult a counseling psychologist and family therapist .A trained professional counselor and family therapist would help them with relevant anger management therapies including perceptive breathing exercises .

While there are enough advisors in every social circle to guide and help the estranged or fighting couples but such unprofessional approach unknowingly out of their ignorance can ignite more anger or mistrust towards each other often leading to frequent accusations. As far as possible couples should avoid such agony aunts for their own betterment .Repeated complaints, frequent bickerings and trying to put down the partner or staging a show down for your partner just because you are angry with him or her can on the contrary take the love out of relations,resulting into the damaged partner finding solace elsewhere .No partner in the right mind who values relationship would like to be in such an embarrassing situation .Anytime you feel angry with or at your partner ,give yourself sometime to think over if the confrontation can be through anger or matters can also be discussed without losing control and being firm in your tone and body language.

,If you have such  uncontrolled anger /domestic violence  situation You should come to us at Family Therapy India and we will help you resolve all issues of your marriage in more amicable manner .Find us @ http://www.familytherapyindia.com.

Email us @mansikpramarsh@gmail.com

Call: 09179383554,917314263087

Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert .

Energising your Relationships

img-20190313-wa0000-444810066.jpgI love to go to a garden nearby to look at the plants growing and to savor their fragrant breeze full of oxygen and greens. And let me tell you I do love to speak to the plants in the morning as they open up their lovely flowers to the rising Sun and rebuild their energy which they gather from the sunlight .At home we do not have a lawn where we could grow these plants (we live in an apartment) . But on the top of the building where we have managed to rent a terrace we do have a few pots with plants. These plants have very tenderly been reared by my daughter with great care and love. I have seen the fresh flowers of white, red and yellow colors bloom to the plants virtually growing from little buds to the full blown beautiful flowers. Whenever I go the terrace I water them, talk to them and make sure they feel loved and taken care of by me and feel happy about this. I feel my conversing with my plants exactly is the reason these plants have grown from tiny saplings to the full grown plants adorning their smile into these flowers.
Similar to these little saplings and plants all kinds of relationships need constant communication, love, tender care, nurturing and sunshine of trust and admiration. If any of the same is missing our relationships tend to get withered away just as all those seedlings died which had not been attended to by me.
We would often take our relationships for granted once we have formed them. We allow the novelty and the freshness of each other’s company wear of, thinking, “now that we have each other where the hell can the person go”. It is easy to do that as you get busy with the daily grinds of life. But like the delicate plants that were given extra care by me to grow, each relationship too needs to be handled with full involvement and care.
In a relationship or in a friendship, we need to regularly spread the showers of mutual understanding, of admiration the nurture and love. Not all relationships may require you to go out of your way to attend to them. A periodic touch of getting to know about each person as to how he or she is living life ensures we do not feel cut off and likewise the other person too feels in touch. In the current age of internet and social media though people are always available online, yet the lack of personal touch and physical presence of good listeners is felt by one and all. People living under the same roof and sleeping in the common bedroom become strangers as they remain occupied in their own virtual world of WhatsApp.Facebook,instagram,twitter and other online social media apps.
I have many a times met such husbands and wives who do not have either time or an empathetic ear for each other to give at least a hearing to the partners when they need to talk. Being there with an empathetic attitude and listening with patience to the other’s point of view can go a long way in solving many compatibility issues the couples face in their marital life.
I am currently meeting and counseling quite a few numbers of families, where all family members have agreed to spend at least two evenings in a week on working days and every alternate weekend in a month together on family outing or family dinner and they have shown wonderful results in their understanding of each other. The faces of the family members more especially the younger members beam smiles as big as the rose in the picture above after they find their parents spending a quality time with them in such a positive manner.

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Just as we need to take care of the plants, saplings and flowers an protect them from all kinds of weeds, strong winds, too much of sunshine, the same way we need to tend to the relationship by giving our empathetic, loving , and understanding physical presence and listening ears  to all family members.

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

family therapyFamily will survive all storms with a little patience and perseverance

Perceptive Meditation and Mindfulness

download“Perceptive Meditation enables you live in and with your breath taking your mind away from your anxiety stress and worries of life .It empowers you to live in the moment with complete mindfulness of your soul ,body and mind “. Ramneek Kapoor.

What is Perceptive Meditation and What is Mindfulness ?

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“Perceptive Meditation is the intense involvement of body and mind into deep meditation on the psychic centres being fully aware of the moment and the breathe present in every living moment in its total intensity”

Mindfulness refers to the process of focussing complete attention to the present moment of life and living life in its every moment with complete awareness .This enables acceptance of life’s every moment in its totality and being aware of life in a non judgemental manner .In a way Perceptive Meditation and Mindfulness both work in the same direction for the same purpose.

How do Perceptive Meditation and Mindfulness help when Practiced together
  • Both are practiced with the mind fully present in the here and now
  • Perceptive meditation through the process of Srir Preksha {Perceptive Meditation on various parts of human body each focussed separately } helps the protagonist meditate on the various parts of the body to experience both the negative and the positive without reacting or expressing any likes or the dislikes, love or hatred for any part , making the journey of the mind through the pleasant or the unpleasant thoughts sans reactions and thus developing a feeling of equanimity in all kinds of circumstances. Mindfulness is similar way of experiences of the pleasant and unpleasant being fully aware and feeling unthreatened .
  • Perceptive meditation develops better connect to the self and in the process bringing better acceptance of the internals with the externals, and of the other humans in the world around with complete mindfulness
  • The process of practising deep meditation in total mindfulness of the psychic centres brings about a complete peace of mind, a better physical , mental and emotional health in the individual and empowers with the cosmic energy.
  • The process of kayotsarga ie, the progressive mindful journey on all the body parts and psychic centres to dissociate the psychic centres and body parts consciously from the mind brings about a total; celestial self-awareness
  • The process of Lesya Preksha (mindful perception of the celestial colourful lights )on the psychic centers brings about a total peace of mind, better mental and emotional health and develops acceptance of all kinds of ups and downs in life without extreme reactions , thus empowering the mind for better tolerance and understanding .
  • Mindful perceptive meditation of the psychic centres helps separate the thoughts from the emotions distinguishing imagined from the reality.
  • Mindful perceptions of the psychic centres teaches to the practitioner that everything is temporal and that everything changes; that same way emotions, thoughts and feelings are also short-lived and temporary like the weather.Nothing remains permanent .
  • Perceptive meditation with total mindfulness brings about better balance of mind and emotional stability.
  • Mindful Perceptive Meditation brings about serenity ,calmness and peacefulness.
  • The mindful perceptive meditation makes the practitioner aware of the negative and the positive both and trains to focus the mind on positives .

Perceptive Meditation, Mindfulness and Psychotherapy

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Mindful Perceptive Meditation on Psychic Centres is a very powerful, evidence-based meditation tool for enhancing emotional ,psychological and mental health.

It has very successfully been used as an effective intervention in a wide range of clinical disorders, including bodily distress disorder,psychosomatic pains, chronic stress disorder, anxiety disorders, depression, PTSD, OCD, substance abuse, and other neurotic and psychotic disorders bringing relief to the affected .

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.

logo family therapyFamily will survive all storms with a little patience and perseverance

Have you stayed far too long into the Abusive Relationship.

Portrait of stressed Caucasian womanTanisha (name changed) has been married for seven years into her second marriage. Her earlier marriage  had  not last long enough and before she could realize that she has been married, she was out of the wedlock.Her husband of her   first marriage , could not take to her low mood and low self esteem.He called it quits in one years time. She had met Sunit (name changed ) through the family social circle. Sunit an employed engineer , despite his having divorced her wife from his first marriage had  appealed to the family so much that without any kind of  verification etc., Tanisha had been married off to him . It was all rosy picture for the first few months of her new marital life . She had moved with him to another city where he was  posted on his job. Soon she had been  blessed with a baby. Things started to go wrong the moment she had announced her   being pregnant to her husband. Sunit found it difficult to continue in the job he was holding. He quit the job .They moved back to his parents home.They have both become dependent on his parents meager income of rentals and pension. Tanisha later learnt that Sunit’s   earlier divorce had happened on account of his inability to continue into any job for longer period.

Sunit has since been out of job for seven years. Each day begins with a fight for the financial needs which have been by now mounting to unmanageable levels. Their daughter  is six years old. Her school expenses too have been  rising up every year and will go up further ( her current school expense is being managed by Tanisha’s  parents from their pension funds) .

Businesswoman stressed and tiredIt is obvious Tanisha has to bear the brunt of her husband being unemployed . She is mistreated by her mother in law too. Tanisha  has been moving forth between her parents house and her in laws like a bouncing ball very frequently. The last time she had been away for over six months ( this being longest period of her leaving her husband ). Yet she comes back every time .Every month it happens either she is told to leave her in laws’ place by her mother in law or her husband or she would leave in a huff after the fight vowing never to come back . Her  life goes on in spite of the  mental, physical , emotional , economic and   social abuse.Neither her parents want her to leave her husband nor is she confident enough to lead her life independently.

kisspng-child-sexual-abuse-child-abuse-domestic-violence-5af892ad114415.2740292215262399170707The relationship that Tanisha has been undergoing is a regular feature in her life, as she has been treated very badly in childhood  by   some of the family members, and again by  some of the boy friends in her teens when she was into college.

Relationship abuse is the most common form of psychological, abuse people indulge into to hold a sway over others or allow others to hold a sway over them. It is a kind of psychological exploitation by the perpetrator . At the same time it is also an unnecessary comfort area the victim gets into refusing to come out of it.

swIt has been observed that Women ( irrespective of the fact that they are married or not ) stay in abusive relationships due to a combination of low self-esteem,  still low self confidence ,lack of family support ,poor other  alternatives . This is also compounded by the time and efforts they have invested to rectify the current  relationship, find the research  recently conducted . The results indicate  that 88% of women continue their relationships with their   abusive partner over  longer periods. The women just do not have the courage to move out of the relationships and leave their partners. even after having been abused over longer relationships , many women  ( many men too ) with lack of self esteem and  lack of  self confidence  find it hard to leave their partner. They just prefer enduring the abusive relationship having lost all their trust in their own capabilities.

The study points out that only  a small percentage of  12% of the women in this study who were abused — psychologically or physically — left their partner . This happens when such  women feel they are  not worthy of bringing about any change in their  status .

pexels-photo-568027The low self-esteem in women can be  the result of having undergone  childhood abuse — which can instill fear of the unknown change .Doubts of self empowerment can  raise their tolerance for abuse, and neglect .  Such women  have  reported at least one incident of abuse in their early life , whether physical or psychological.Psychological abuse included things like, “touching inappropriately by a friend or a relative”, “ being  bullied in their childhood”, ” being called  fat or ugly”, ” having been ignored by parents, guardians, or“ being hurled insults by teachers , tutors, classmates or companions “.Most of the abuse  the study   indicates are  psychological.

The research points out that : “…women experiencing high levels of psychological distress may not feel efficacious in their ability .The results showed that 88% of women were still with an abusive partner over longer periods  unwilling to  leave their partners.”Childhood abuse has been  an important contributory factor,“…women who were abused in childhood are  more satisfied with their current relationships(even though it is abusive.) than women who are  not abused in childhood.

“It is possible that women with childhood abuse histories are more relatable in  their relationships than women without childhood abuse histories because they have more tolerance for mistreatment based on early life experiences and resulting interpersonal experiences ”, the researcher points out ,“…the more psychological abuse women are exposed to, the more energy and effort they put forth to resolve the conflict, thus leading to increases in perceived investment.”

“The more  time , effort, emotions and experiences  women invest in their relationship, the more likely they are  to stay in such abusive relationships” , and hence their could be many Tanisha’s enduring abusive relationships.

-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist , Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert  .

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