Tag: family counsellor in indore

Everything you wanted to know about couple therapy..

Ramneek Kapoor
Family therapist during meeting with a couple

In a country where approaching a psychiatrist/psychologist brings with it all kinds of taboos, fears and the unknown stigmas, reaching out to a family therapist by a couple simply can be a big uphill task. Most often the couple would prefer suffering in silence in their day to day disagreement and dispute rather than approach a professional family therapist. Approaching a therapist is often looked at as a step to lodging complaint against the partner. Couples shy off from reaching for the professional help because they do not want to disclose the problems they are having in their marriage to the family for one simple reason,”What would the people say “.

Let’s understand when do you need to approach a therapist and what process would couple therapy involve.

When you feel your communication with the spouse ends up into irritation and leads to the stomping of feet and rushing out of even a normal discussion quite regularly, the time to reflect is now.

When you feel your love has vanished and your acceptance of each other has been going down day by day, you need to be in touch with a family counselor.

When you carry strong resentment towards your partner on any account ,you should know,it is time to explore a session with a good family therapist.

When you feel you or your spouse has been losing interest in all kinds of spousal activities ,it is time to get a professional help to explore, understand, reflect and reconcile the challenges to your marriage .

Professional help can be available from an approved professionally qualified family therapist and not the usual agony aunts writing columns or providing readymade prescription to all problems.A good qualified professional family therapist necessarily should hold recognised postgraduate qualifications in family therapy in addition to a post graduate degree in psychology. The therapist should have a good standing in dealing with family therapy and counseling.

When you decide to eventually consult such a therapist you can be assured of total privacy and confidentiality of any discussion with the therapist.The professional code of privacy and confidentiality is absolutely sacrosanct for every therapist ,belying the fears “,What will people say”.

Let us now understand ,what would the therapy involve.

Usually the first session begins with the introductory process wherein the therapist is keen to understand as to what kind of issues,problems and disputes have been occurring in your family life and /or marriage.

The session involves knowing about your family history, the systems and the units of inner family circles within the family ,the communication system in your family and the power systems of the family.

The therapist is keen to understand the reasons for your contacting him/her i.e. the problems you are facing as a couple.How long has the problem been occurring and whether you have been consulting any other counselor earlier,if so what has been the impact of such counseling.

The therapist in this session evaluates the relationship the couple shares only on peripheral level as the depth of understanding and the misunderstanding would be assessed only in subsequent sessions and that too with a complete unbiased mind .It is not the task of the therapist to judge you,nor does the therapist acts as a complaint centre. The major task of the therapist is to understand the underlying emotional upheaval prevailing within the relationship of couple ,or amongst all other members of the family .

Though the families of the spouses or / and the spouses obviously look towards the family therapist as the complaint lodging centre ,but that definitely is an absolute misunderstanding of the process of family counseling .The therapist lends an unbiased ear and attention to every dispute,difference of opinion and misplaced emotions. The therapist is not a judge but a facilitator for bringing about better understanding of the misplaced emotions and feelings amongst the family members . It generally happens that the therapist is looked at as the mediator of the disputes by the family members,but mediation definitely has never been the scope of any family or couple counseling.

The therapist would also try to learn from you ,your career graph if working or in own business,the money position,the spending habits,financial interests if any and of course about the extended family members’ financial interests if any in connection with your finances.

Then again sometimes either of the spouses who has contacted the therapist,expects by default that the therapist would align with her or him ,but a true professional therapist approaches the counseling without any kind of preset mindset.The main task of the family therapist is to understand the tensions ,stresses and hindrances prevailing within the marital /family relationships and evolve better perception of the problems prevailing between the marital partners and other family members.

The couple issues could relate to any of the following:

Relationship of either spouse with in laws and other family members.
Household responsibility and commitments of members in honouring their responsibility.

Daily chores and spousal attitude towards sharing the chores.

Relationship of the spouses within and outside marital boundaries .

Marital compatibility of thoughts and emotions.
Sexual adjustments and acceptance.
Sexual orientation and attitudes towards partners.

Parenting plans ,children and parenting issues.

Communication pattern between the couple and the problems being faced in the communication.

Setting up priorities for the marriage and providing needed priority,time and space to each other in the marriage.

Modern couples also look for personal space in marriage as otherwise the relationship often gets suffocated with too much closeness .

Having understood all that has been delineated above, the therapist has to understand personalities of both the spouses ,the acceptance level or non acceptance levels of each others habits ,attitudes,opinions and daily functioning.

In fact a good therapist will help the couple evolve a new outlook and perception of their respective relationship provided ,the partners have the patience to continue with the sessions conducted over a long period of time varying from three to six months .the session may be conducted once or twice a week depending on the convenience and availability of both the spouses.

Though initially every session appears to be an exercise in raising grievances by the couple against each the other . The therapist’s intervention helps the partners read positive and negative cues of each others emotions in the right perspective and the couple soon moves from the warring zone to the negotiation levels. The negotiation is often done by the aggrieved partner to secure future as assurances and promises .The understanding levels though still remain far fetched and many more sessions will be needed to gradually establish a trusting common bond ,wherein an acceptance of each other is re-established amongst the family.

Continue reading “Everything you wanted to know about couple therapy..” →

Healing Dysfunctional Family Relationships

Ramneek Kapoor

Families are often envisioned as the cornerstone of love, support, and growth. However, the reality is far more nuanced, with many families grappling with the complexities of dysfunction, unresolved conflicts, and intergenerational trauma. In this blog post, we will deep-dive into the profound impacts of dysfunctional family dynamics, exploring real-life examples and therapeutic insights to understand the journey towards healing and restoring familial harmony.

The Ripple Effects of Dysfunction:

Meet Kritika and Vijay (names changed), whose experiences epitomize the enduring repercussions of dysfunctional family environments. Their stories resonate deeply with countless individuals who have experienced familial dysfunction. Kritika and Vijay, having weathered tumultuous family dynamics in their formative years, continue to grapple with the emotional scars, even a decade into their marriage. Their unresolved traumas have cast a long shadow over their parenting journey, as their children inherit the legacy of unresolved conflict and emotional turmoil.

Dr. Kritika, a pseudonym for a real individual, provides a poignant example of the intergenerational transmission of dysfunction. Raised amidst the daily tumult of her parents’ disputes, she and her siblings bore witness to a triangular drama that played out with agonizing regularity. Lines were drawn, allegiances shifted, and familial bonds strained under the weight of unresolved grievances .

The ripple effects of dysfunctional family dynamics extend far beyond the immediate participants, permeating the lives of subsequent generations. Individuals like Sejal, Sonia, Kamolika, Anand, and Sumit, though fictional in name, embody the collective struggles of those who have endured traumatic family events. From PTSD and anxiety to deep-seated mistrust and unresolved phobias, the psychological toll of dysfunctional family dynamics reverberates through every facet of their lives. Moreover, their own children and spouses find themselves unwitting participants in a cycle of dysfunction, perpetuating the cycle unless intervention occurs.

Understanding Triangulation:

Central to our understanding of dysfunctional family dynamics is the concept of triangulation. What begins as innocuous interactions can quickly devolve into accusations, misunderstandings, and unresolved emotions, with family members unwittingly assuming roles as perpetrators, victims, or mediators. Left unchecked, these patterns of dysfunction can become entrenched, eroding familial bonds and hindering individual growth.

Yet, amidst the turmoil, there is hope. Through innovative therapeutic approaches, families can take on healing and reconciliation, managing past trauma to embrace a future defined by mutual understanding and support.

The Path to Healing:

At our organization, we offer a framework for addressing the underlying issues that contribute to familial dysfunction, empowering you to break free from the shackles of intergenerational trauma. Central to this process is the cultivation of empathy and understanding, both within the family unit and in the broader community.

By creating a safe space for open dialogue and honest communication, we begin the healing process, allowing individuals to confront their past traumas and head towards a brighter future. Through individual and group therapy sessions, families learn to navigate conflict constructively.

For individuals like Kritika and Vijay, the journey towards healing is challenging, but ultimately important. By confronting their past traumas and embracing a future defined by mutual respect and understanding, they lay the foundation for a closer bond.

Conclusion

Through therapeutic support, families heal and reconcile, overcoming past trauma for mutual understanding. Together, we can break the cycle of dysfunction.

KEEPING MARIAGE ALIVE

Ramneek Kapoor

Love is a beautiful song .But love is a lonely song if either of the love birds moves away .Love becomes a bitter song if the bitterness in relationship comes in .But love remains under all conditions sweet or bitter and the fragrance lingers on .

It is wonderful feeling to be in love and date each other. While dating prior to the commitment made to each other for a long term relationship, the couples meet for a while and then pine for each other till they meet at the next date. Everything is seen by them from behind the rosy shades of love and affection for each other.

The emotions of possessiveness and yearning do not bring in the mundane communication of a daily grinds of life. But being in a long-term relationship isn’t merely pining for the lover’s physical intimacy alone, it is a feeling of always being there ,always connected and always understanding without the use of words .

Being in long term relationships will involve managing and taking care of many other lives in addition to the lives of the lovers. And it is not an easy task. Both people need to accommodate themselves to new family environment and new relationships in their lives.

Over a period of time ,they will have to raise their own new family unit together to make their family home a happy abode to come to and partaking the joys of love and affection.

They however need to then communicate over many other issues in addition to the romance and love in marriage. Their issues that gain priority over love may pertain to jobs and careers, money and household expense, household work and taking care of the babies, social, cultural and religious affairs, parenting and in many cases taking care of the aged and old in the families.

As a couple begins their journey into the long-term relationship of wedded bliss, their love for each other many a times may take a back seat and the love gets reduced to a few stolen kisses and quickies here and there.

The couple forgets about nurturing and keeping the flame of love and desire for each other alive. Soon the infatuation of physical hunger wears off and then the focus shifts from the affection to the problems. The stark realities of need for more money, career priorities and of culture, of religion, and of family may cause concerns and small squabbles. Before these squabbles get blown into major issues and a beautiful relationship begins to disintegrate;the couple needs to understand that every relationship is important in life and more so with the one with whom you have to spend your life time.

Needless to say, that every difference and misunderstanding should be treated as worth working for and saving. once the infatuation begins to fade.

Communication is the only tool and doorway to establish a better understanding. Essentially the couple, need to take  up all those problems that are causing strangled relationship .

For further indulgence contact us

http://www.familytherapyindia.com

http://www.mansikpramarsh.com

Unseen Depression in Couples Can Stall Counselling Progress

Ramneek Kapoor

Note: The names in this article are fictional but the cases are real life situations .

When Deepti contacted me recently, she was naturally concerned about her husband, Sameer. She says for quite a period of time, she noticed a change in him, behaviourally. He frequently went off; easily got irritated and generally wasn’t the man she knew. She was convinced that he was suffering from depression but Sameer had unwillingly shied away from saying so, or seeking any form of help. After much persuasion, she finally brought him in for that counseling session. I also suggested that she accompany him to the counseling session. Couples counseling tends to reveal hidden dynamics.

After several sessions it became apparent that it wasn’t about Sameer’s depression but rather Deepti was struggling with it as well, though she hadn’t seemed to understand it at first. Both were denial-bound to their emotional health; each wrongly convinced that the other was the one needing help. That is what I have seen repeatedly in couples: it’s a lot easier to blame the partner than to see oneself in the mirror.

Denial and Deflection in Relationships
I think one of the most common dynamics I see with couples is this “It’s not me, it’s you” mindset in terms of problems around emotions. People just don’t like to admit that something is wrong with them—especially when the word depression comes into play. There is just such a stigma around mental health that admitting you might be depressed is close to admitting defeat, or weakness. So instead, couples tend to attribute all the issues to their partner.

Deepti’s case is quite apt in this context. “Sameer always says that the problems in our marriage occur because of me, and he goes out and tells people that if I am not depressed, then these problems will not exist. But honestly, I think it’s him who is depressed. He’s always the one complaining and on any occasion that does not go his way, I am the one he’s been lashing out at.”.

This is a really tough situation because while Sameer was so busy pointing out how she is supposedly depressed, Deepti was dealing with hers. Nobody could see how their emotional states were feeding off each other and becoming this cycle that affected them both. It’s pretty common, really – partners are so concentrated on the other person’s behavior that they overlook their own mental health.

Emotional Alienation and Its Cost
Let’s be honest: marriage and argument go hand in hand. It’s just normal for you and your mate to have differing opinions and even get into a squabble every now and then. The problem begins, though, if every disagreement escalates into a full-blown confrontation and neither partner seems to find a way over or around the other. More often than not, depression simply maximizes such situations-making some everyday issues appear more important and more infuriating than they really are.

It makes even a very minor conflict assault on the emotionally vulnerable individual. What may be minor clashes can emerge as major points of friction. Instead of directly confronting such issues, couples are prone to a cycle of internalization: they feel they do not understand each other and are left feeling isolated.

Here, the depression in Deepti and Sameer was deep running. It was not merely an individual problem but also very strongly associated with their relationship dynamics. Their blames, odd moods of Sameer, and his tendency to shift all the blame on his wife were also due to his problems. Deepti felt she was always on the defensive side; hence, she got further distanced. Kind of both of them wearing emotional blinders and couldn’t see into the problem that how your feelings were feeding into the problem.

Depression and Marital Conflict
Here’s the thing about depression in relationships: it doesn’t always surface the way we think it might. One person starts to feel their partner is being hostile or antagonistic, even when that’s not true. What was once a minor irritation suddenly becomes a big deal. When depression is part of the equation, everything feels heavier.

For Deepti and Sameer, what seemed like the most straightforward concern—sameer’s mental health dilemma in fact opened up a revelation that both were dealing with depression and how their relationship has become a breeding ground for it. I became irritable and appeared to shut down emotionally; this was the sign of a man who had given up, while Deepti began to get frustrated and feel isolated, adding to her list of signs which are pretty much those of emotional exhaustion.

But like most couples, they could not look beyond the surface. Sameer thought that everything would have been okay if Deepti hadn’t been so depressed. Deepti thought that everything would have been okay if Sameer hadn’t been so negative all the time. Neither realized that their mutual emotional state was what formed the crux of the problem.
The greatest stigma associated with the subject of depression in a marriage is that people often view it as happening to “other people” or something one has failed at. This is one reason couples are very quick to deny that it’s happening to them. Instead, they tend to point to the actions of their partner, hoping that if the other person changes, everything will get back to normal.

But that’s not exactly how it works. Mental health, especially in relationships, rarely is an individual issue. It goes down to how we relate with each other at its core. Usually, when one partner of the couple has the problem, the other will feel the after-effects as well, though they refuse to acknowledge them.

Seema and Jatin: A Layer of Complexity
I have worked with thousands of couples where depression is involved in their relations and each one is unique. For instance, I can take Seema and Jatin as an example whose names have been changed. Seema and Jatin were a young couple of doctors. They had just started to work and settle in their lives both at work and at home.

One day Seema threatened to commit suicide over something Jatin considered trivial-his giving attention to female colleagues. It came completely out nowhere for him. He hadn’t even considered his coworkers in that way and, no matter how much he tried to explain, Seema couldn’t shake her suspicions.

What started off as a one-time incident turned into a trend. Seema’s insecurities and emotional instability were beginning to give Jatin a lot of headache, where he started distancing himself from friends and family, not wanting to be bothered with the drama at home. What hit me more, though, is how Jatin described it all.

“Seema has been idealizing suicide since college. We have been with each other for seven years now, and she does throw tantrums, only with me. She’d break up with me for the smallest things, not even talk to me for days, and then everything would be back to normal. It is emotionally draining, but I never had anyone to talk to because she seems totally fine around other people.”

It was a tremendous emotional disconnect. Jatin felt drowning in the relationship and was paralyzed by Seema’s emotional outburst. He did not know how he could possibly help her, and neither did she know how to express her needs without scaring him away.

The Effect of Unmet Emotional Needs
In many relations, depression has arisen due to neglected emotional needs. When the unheard or under-loved one fears and gets negated, it sometimes spirals into feelings of inadequacy thus bolstering depression. Seema’s case is one such classic example. Her desire to be liked by Jatin was such that if she didn’t get it the way she had expected, her emotional system would take a toss.

Another side of the picture was that Jatin was trying to hold everything together but often felt held hostage by Seema’s demands and needs. The lack of emotional bonding fed both depressions, and neither could see an end in sight.

Depression in Relationships:
So, how do couples like Deepti and Sameer or Seema and Jatin break out of this cycle? It begins with an acknowledgment that depression is not an individual disease but is highly influenced by the dynamic of the relationship. Both must take a step back to see how the other’s emotional state is influencing theirs.

In most cases, individual therapy can address emotional conflict experienced by one person, but couples therapy is most important because it makes it easier for both of them to see how their relationship has contributed to the problem. Through common effort and understanding, couples can start to understand why they are emotionally disconnected which feeds depression and change that constructively in a better way.

Working with another person- The Power of Mutual Support
At the end, marriage is a partnership. Both should be concerned with each other’s emotional well-being. One cannot point fingers or expect to fix everything on his or her own. Mutual support works in lifting depression and strengthening the relationship.

It was only when Deepti and Sameer both understood that they were suffering from depression that they became constructive towards each other’s relationship by not blaming each other but finding ways to heal each other.

Together Seeking Help
If you or your spouse suffer from depression, treatment for both is in order. Depression is treatable, but it requires work from each partner. Couples therapy could be very helpful in helping each other get over their emotional letdown as a couple and lay new concrete foundations in the relationship.

Depression could be what no one expected to be possible, but two is stronger than one, and with their combined strength, couples will easily find their way back to each other. This is not about a question of the assignment of blame; it is a question of knowing one is in this together.
Marriage is a journey and, just like any other journey has its share of problems. Depression can strain even the best relationships, but it doesn’t have to define them. Acknowledge the role it plays in your dynamic and seek help. Together with your partner, navigate the emotional hurdles ahead of you. Remember-you’re a team, and together you can conquer anything.

How to Identify and Set Boundaries with Emotional Abusers and Difficult People

Ramneek Kapoor

Identifying Emotional Abusers

We had earlier written about emotional abusers on this blog, and we’ve received a very positive response from our large number of readers and clients. Many were able to identify the abuse in their lives and managed to deal with it.

We feel it’s important to identify difficult people, self-obsessed individuals, insistent personalities, and narcissists. People can be hard to deal with in many situations—whether in an employer-employee relationship, student-teacher dynamic, sibling interactions, and especially in marital relationships, where both partners can sometimes act difficult, insistent, demanding, self-obsessed, or narcissistic.

Various strategies have been identified and adopted to deal with such people—from being firm to using isolation or not responding to their demands.

But the most effective strategy so far has been setting boundaries. This helps make them understand how far they’re allowed to go and how much of their behavior will be tolerated.

The “Setting Boundaries” Method

This technique helps manage interactions with emotional, commanding, controlling, or narcissistic people. The idea is to subtly show them that no matter what they do, your response will be bland, unresponsive, and uninteresting—like a solid wall. They begin to feel that interacting with you emotionally will lead to dull, detached, and unsatisfying outcomes. This signals that you’re not interested in engaging with their behavior.

This mental boundary-setting strategy has worked well for many of our clients dealing with toxic relationships.

Benefits of Setting Boundaries:

  • Takes away control by denying the emotional reactions they seek
  • Protects your emotional well-being and mental health
  • Limits exposure to manipulation, insults, drama, and conflict
  • Reduces stress and anxiety in difficult interactions

How It Works

Setting boundaries isn’t complicated. It just involves using simple communication techniques like:

  • Keeping interactions short and to the point
  • Using a neutral tone and facial expression
  • Avoiding eye contact
  • Responding with short, non-descriptive words
  • Staying calm and emotionally detached
  • Offering no explanations
  • Not defending yourself

Some call this “grey rocking.” If someone uses these behaviors to keep a narcissistic, unpleasant, or abusive person at bay, it’s a valid approach.

Keeping Your Mind Balanced

This takes time and practice. But once you get used to it, navigating tough interactions becomes easier and less draining.

Here’s how you can stay balanced:

  • Practice perceptive mindfulness. Stay aware of your emotional reactions and learn to manage them.
  • Know your boundaries. Be clear about what’s acceptable to you and what’s not.
  • Prepare responses in advance. Think through common situations and decide how you’ll respond neutrally.
  • Seek support. Talk to a trusted friend or therapist about what you’re going through.

We at Alka Mansik Pramarsh Foundation are here to help.
Reach us by email at mansikpramarsh@gmail.com or give us a call.