Poonam and her husband Sangit had a wonderful marriage going for the first year of their marriage.Everything seemed to have been set specially to bring the joy and comfortable living for them in their life, but things took an adverse turn when Poonam had conceived her first baby. Her pregnancy ( an unplanned one ) had happened and Sangit didn’t know how to handle this. Poonam’s early morning sickness was too much for him to take .He felt that he had been dealt a wrong hand in the marriage.The same wife who used to be at his side all the times had almost forgotten about his being there in her life .Poonam noticed he had begun avoiding spending time with her.The gap had further widened in them after the delivery .Sangit felt that Poonam had been spending her time with the child and she did not have any space left for him in her life. The daily spat of words and tiffs took the ugliest toll on their relationships when Poonam had attempted to hurt herself in a fit of rage . That is when they decided to call on the family therapist for an intervention.
Dolly had echoed similar words of dissatisfaction in her marriage to this therapist as she expressed her annoyance on her husband for spending most of his days for office travel unnecessary . She told the therapist, ” even on the days he is in town he would hardly give time to me and children. Every evening my husband spends his time with his friends partying in the club or a bar”.
Poonam and Dolly are not the only ones who are dissatisfied with their marriages.
Harish a businessman speaks same thoughts when he says, ” my wife throws one kitty party every week compulsorily and the days she does not throw a party herself, it would be any of her friends inviting her over. We hardly see each other at home. We have become strangers staying under the same roof”.
Couples express their dissatisfaction with their marriages in many ways. one of them being not spending much time together or not giving the required attention to demands of each other. It is apparent today’s marital life is not what it used to be ten or twenty years ago. The internet, the need for travel , the need of socialising for each partner to the marriage demands time from them and they can hardly find time for each other . Resultantly , each partner is finding the other one going away from him or her. But in order to keep the contract of marriage running they are demanding more from each other without putting in the necessary time to be with each other .
From the case studies mentioned above it can be seen that the couples are basically divided their time and life into many different compartments, depending on the situations in which they currently are. These compartments can be identified as:
- The couples with small children allocate most of their time to the act of parenting but it is not necessary that both of them do it together.
- The couples who have grown up children have found many interests of their own respectively on the internet .
- Or they have formed their social circles independent of each other and spend time away from each other .
- The couples who do not have interest in either of the above three situations are concentrating on their work and for them their careers hold more importance than being with their partners .
The demands however from the spouses into the marriage remain what these used to be many many years ago. The modern husband wants a wife that he has seen in his mother who was his father’s wife. The modern wife looks forward to a husband as she noticed in her father who led a very devoted life many years ago. These partners to modern marriages often tend to forget that their interest , their needs, their style of living have been completely changed as compared to the times in which their parents had built their families.
The new generation of couples need to understand that they either need to put in more efforts, time and resources into their marriages to make them work or they need to demand less from their relationships .Marriage is about contractual obligations of social nature where each partner would get only what has been invested into. Marriage works when you give as much as you want to get in return .
The best way to make your marriage work is to not to make your marriage a standard measurement of your marriage vis a vis the marriage of your parents . Your marriage possibly is a better marriage contract now as you both are able to pursue your independent areas of interest and at the same time contributing towards the development of each other as a better human being .
But in order to achieve that you have to allow each partner a space wider enough to facilitate the expression of their true self.
You both need to develop a lifestyle that permits investment of time and your socio- psychological inputs in your marriage, to build strong relationship compatibility.
Marriage is no more considered the only source of social and financial security when so many people nowadays live in relationships without actually tying the knots or even getting on with their lives without the need of a partner from the opposite sex. In such evolutionary times the investment of your time and positive energy can definitely make the partnership workable and enjoyable and save you from the disappointment of not getting the right attention from your partner .
-Ramneek Kapoor – Family Therapist, Psychologist Counselor and Science of Living Expert.
Family is everything
Ankur and Meeta have been married for a number of years now . They seem to have been having serious thoughts on their relationship already. The couple have been staying with and without each other quite frequently in all these four years . One small tiff and the bags get packed . Meeta gets back to her mother’s house, or if she does not go out then it’s Ankur who would shift to the separate bedroom at the first floor of the house. The accusations and blames keep them apart for a few months, till one of them apologizes.They come together and the honeymoon begins again . Ankur’s mother has by now adjusted to their frequent bouts, as it has become a routine affair. Meeta wants Ankur should be dynamic in today’s competitive world and drop his laid back attitude .She would like him to move fast in his career ,and match the dynamism,she feels she is equipped with.For Ankur,the priorities are his family,his ailing mother who needs him and hence he feels satisfied with his progress.
Somewhat similar story has been going on between Bhuvan and Anita .Their 16 years of marriage has come to a stand still with both virtually accusing each other of neglect and oppression .Anita blames Bhuvan of having neglected her for all their marriage period. She feels she could have done better if she had adopted a career so that she could get away from the demands of married life. Bhuvan on the other hand feels oppressed, saying, ” She has been a very demanding wife and does not allow me to breathe freely .I need space of my own now”. he continues, ” from the day we began dating each other she has been like this always”.
While dating prior to the commitment made to each other for a long term relationship, everything is seen by the lovers from behind the rosy shades of love and affection for each other. The emotions of possessiveness and yearning do not allow the lovers to think of and bring in the mundane communication of a daily grinds of life.
As a couple begins their journey into the long-term relationship of wedded bliss, their love for each other many a times may take a back seat and the love gets reduced to a few stolen kisses and quickies here and there. The couple forgets about nurturing and keeping the flame of love and desire for each other alive. Soon the infatuation of physical hunger wears off and then the focus shifts from the affection to the problems.
The stark realities of need for more money, career priorities and of culture, of religion, and of family may cause concerns and small squabbles. Before these squabbles get blown into major issues and a beautiful relationship begins to disintegrate. The couple needs to understand that every relationship is important in life and more so with the one with whom you have to spend your life time.
Communication in person and not on the social media , is the only tool and doorway to establish a better understanding. The couple, need to take up all those problems that are causing strangled relationship .It is always good to keep the bedroom stories confined to four walls of the personal bedrooms .But should the couple feel they are not able to communicate with each other without raising voices and angers , they should get the professional advise of the family therapist and relationship counselor. The airing of grievances in the family sitting room can aggravate the problems and cut down the love quotient. Isn’t it a fact that the love still exists, we just have to bring it to the fore again.
When Pooja and Prakash had been advised by their friends to consult a family therapist , they had virtually not known , “what questions they should go and ask the counsellor”.Pooja and Prakash both have had a very private life . To them it was a very big task to go and meet a stranger and discuss about their love and the daily issues that had been causing the lovers’ tiff amongst newly engaged couple .Theirs had been an arranged affair. Pooja’s brother and Prakash’s father worked in the same office . The meeting was arranged by the family after they learnt from Prakash’s father that they had been looking for a match for their son. Things materialised too fast and before she could realise what had happened , they had been committed to each other. Pooja at times felt , she could have taken some more time to decide, and so did Prakash. They wanted that they should know each other better before they plunge into the final nod of ,matrimony.
What should the couple ask a psychologist counselor could be the dilemma with every who is in the process of tying the knots in the near future. Some of the questions that a young couple may have in mind could be :
Let’s Understand a few facts: We as individual live in a predetermined, self imposed ,self selected privacy as we go about our daily living in families and in various roles of society. Yet within this privacy we do have the necessary social interaction and relationships. Marital counseling can help the couple develop a relationship that has the inbuilt system of allowing space to both the spouses and yet bring about the required intimacy for enjoying the new relationship. The couple should evolve like two full grown flowers that spread a common fragrance of love and affection and yet appear beautiful in their own individual identity. Every couple knows that their Dedication to Marriage will build stronger relationships. Their dedication towards each other will bring about a strong love for each other, a sense of humor, willingness to grow up together, necessary strength for working towards a common cause, shared and tolerance for each other’s religious and cultural beliefs, and commonality of life’s goals. This dedication will be built upon love, affection, empathy, allowance, understanding, commitment, communication, friendship and of course yearning for companionship. All these adjectives together make a beautiful garden known as the marriage. One such missing petal can cause the whole flowers fall apart hence the mental strength gained through premarital counseling will provide the necessary feed, , sunlight and the nurturing to the romancing couple and of course the bring down the ever rising divorce rate the world over.
FAMILY THERAPY INDIA 